Do Men Become Better or Worse Fathers After Divorce?

If divorce is in the future of duplicitous two-timers Gov. Mark Sanford to reality TV's Jon Gosselin, these men will have to navigate co-parenting. However, a growing trend shows that many men become better parents post-divorce, to the surprise of ex-wives who find it difficult to grasp that a man who wasn't a good husband can indeed be a good father.

Take the example of Peter Giles.

When Peter Giles' three daughters were toddlers, work consumed him at the expense of family life. The New York businessman would justify the absences as doing the right thing for his family since he was providing the financial womb while his wife was taking care of their other needs.

What finally made him a better father? Getting a divorce.

"The divorce was such a shock and forced me to take stock of who I was and what success should look like," said Giles, whose ex-wife Nancy Claus sought a divorce in 2001. "I came to realize that I had been providing for my children but needed to be more to them. "

Like the majority of divorcing men today, Giles sought joint legal custody, which courts are more willing to grant since a federal study shows that men paid child support 90 percent of the time in comparison to less than 45 percent when the mother had sole custody.

When his daughters visited, Giles morphed into a multi-tasker taking on chores previously done by his wife including cooking, buying cosmetics and remembering to buy eggs and bacon at the market.

"I wish he would have been as involved and helpful when we were married," said Claus. "But he has definitely become a much better Dad after our divorce."

He is not alone.

"When a father is away from the stress of a failed marriage, he can be more relaxed and more reflective and as a result enjoy being more fully involved with his children," said Don Gordon, professor emeritus of psychology at Ohio University and the director of the Center for Divorce Education.

David Gestl, the divorced father of four in Stewartstown, Pennsylvania, agrees, adding how it's a relief not to argue about parenting styles which allows the father to develop his own.

"In my marriage, I was always walking on eggshells and getting criticized," he said. "Recently after I made dinner, my son shook his chocolate milk and it went flying everywhere. I could say, just relax it's nothing a paper towel won't pick up. It's okay to make a mistake and fix it. "

One benefit to divorce is that with scheduled rationed time, each parent doesn't take it for granted and can have more single minded focus with their kids.

CNBC anchor Dennis Kneale says divorce has made him "vastly closer " to his 9-year-old daughter Jing-Jing. "In many families, mom is the center of everything and the husband is the supporting player," he observed. "But with divorce, I have had more one on one time with her in ways I never did before."

In a study on non-residential fathers, researcher Paul Amato from Pennsylvania State University found that the percentage of non-residential fathers being involved with their children more than tripled from 8 percent in the 1970's to 26 percent in 2000's.

A recent study by Kathleen Gerson, professor of sociology at New York University and author of " The Unfinished Revolution:How a New Generation is Reshaping Family, Work,
and Gender in America" found the number to be 27 percent.

"Large numbers of contemporary fathers are doing their best to fulfill their responsibilities as parents despite the limitations of not residing with their children," said Amato. "It's time to recognize, value and support the commitment of these men to their children."

Experts say that the rise of more involved fathers post-divorce is based on several factors that collectively aligned like shooting stars and is preventing what one organization calls, "a parentdectomy."

A kid-focus culture for starters has helped cement ties.

Dr. Warren Farrell points out that pop culture's parenting focus expanded the definition of a man's identity. In one study tracking data from 1965-1998, married men had doubled their direct child care involvement. "More men put in the effort early which created deeper attachments that fathers didn't want to lose," said Farrell, who is also the author of "Father and Child Reunion." Hence, more requests for joint custody.

Technology has also helped prevent or reduce what is called parental alienation where in the past the residential parent may - consciously or unconsciously - block contact either out of her resentment towards the father or because she has remarried and is protecting the stepfather relationship. A study by J. Annette Vanini and Edward Nichols found that 77 percent of noncustodial fathers faced some form of visitation interference.

But now fathers can give their kids pre-paid cell phones to insure contact. Divorce contracts are also often written to permit contact through email accounts.

Ted Rubin, a Huntington Long Island divorced dad to two girls, admits to using Facebook to keep in contact with his kids. "Sometimes when we speak on the phone I can tell if Mom is standing there and then later my daughter will contact me on Facebook," he said. "A lot of Dads complain that moms could stand in the way of communication but now it's almost impossible because kids are so tech savvy."

In fact, Rubin, who has a contentious divorce with his ex-wife, says that email helps divorced parents diminish "the nastiness is our dialogues" which the kids would overhear on the phone. Now he can email what time he's picking up the kids and delivering them without any verbal warfare.

Another big boost for continued contact has been videoconferencing. In 2002, Utah resident Michael Gough worried that his ex-wife's relocation to Wisconsin would wipe out his parental involvement. Considering that less than 10 percent of divorces go to trial, he fought to have the right to videoconference with his daughter. Utah was the first state to pass legislation for virtual visitation in 2004.

"It costs me thousands of extra dollars to go to court but as a result there is now a statute for videoconferencing that other judges and attorneys can refer to and follow," said Gough, who now runs a website called internetvisitation.org. Because of his efforts, Wisconsin, Florida and Texas all passed similar legislation and North Carolina did this month.

"With videoconferencing, I was able to read bedtime stories, help her with her homework and even watch her open up a present," said Gough, with genuine sentimentality.

Schools are also helping divorced parents co-parent on neutral ground. While some wives would raise their eyebrows like thunderbolts when an ex-husband would arrive at the sports field, schools are not playing favorites.

"My ex-wife interpreted the divorce agreement that if I arrived at my son's soccer game that it should only be when I had him for an overnight," said Eric Ryerson, a nurse in Eugene, Oregon and father to an 11-year-old son. "But I want to see him more than my custody arrangement and by coming to sports events and volunteering at school, I can see him more."

Ryerson went to the school and volunteered to be a chaperone for class trips, signed his name to contact forms and also spoke to coaches to provide information on his son's soccer and baseball games.

"I asserted myself to be present and got rewarded for it," said Ryerson. "I also got to meet his classmates and interacted with them." Ryerson recalls fondly how in second grade he was nicknamed Mr. Pushy because he eagerly pushed his son's friends on the swings. "My son told me he liked it when I came to school."

In fact, research shows that the kids do like it when both parents are present.

"They have fewer behavior and emotional problems, higher self-esteem and better school performance than children in sole custody arrangements," said Glenn Sacks, the National Executive Director of Fathers & Families. "When researchers have examined children of divorce, and studied and queried adult children of divorce, they've found that most prefer joint custody and shared parenting."

For example, in one Arizona State University study of college students who experienced their parents' divorces while they were children, over two-thirds believe that living equal times with each parent is the best arrangement. A Harvard University study also confirmed that children in joint custody settings fared much better than kids living in sole custody households.

While many men acknowledge progress, some still complain that the system treats fathers as second-class citizens when asking for more time with their children.

As Gary Nicholson, the president of the American Association of Marital Attorneys, explains, part of the problem is that various state laws tie child support payments to the amount of time a father is with their child. Payments can be adjusted if the father spends as much as 100 nights with his child so many mothers resist giving 50-50 splits and are angered by the request.

Said Nicholson, "Are there folks who look at this economically and think if I have equal time I won't have to pay as much child support? Yes. But the majority of dads want to be involved in their kid's lives. They feel they should be equal partners."

As the nation sees more divorced families, more parents have learned that even though the marriage is over, they are forever linked as co-parents. Cultural cues also encourage that they should love their children more than they hate their spouse. Over time, many hard feelings thaw and enhanced appreciation can ensue.

Deb Rabino, a New York based make-up artist, learned to admire her ex-husband's parenting of their two sons so much that when he lost his job in the financial industry, she voluntarily reduced his alimony and child support payments.

"He definitely became a better father after our divorce," she said. "He honored his support of us and now it was our turn to help him out."

The increased connection between children and fathers also results in other sacrifices as well. Michael Gough says videoconferencing helped get him more involved with his daughter. "My participation reminded me I have a daughter who needed me otherwise it could have been out of sight, out of mind." Because his wife later relocated to Austin, Texas, Gough now found a new job to be near his daughter.

"Videoconferencing really helped us stay closer," said Gough. "But it still can't replace seeing my daughter and getting a hug."

Like many men, he is getting remarried and may start a new family.

As Stephanie Coontz, the Director of Research and Public Education at the Council on Contemporary Families, observes, men have for more than 150 years tended to think of the responsibility of kids as a package deal. When the relationship split up, they'd walk away and start new families. "But we're seeing a growing number of men separting from their wives but not their children," she said.

Do you have any doubt that recent divorced dads including Dylan McDermott, Robin Williams, Russell Simmons or Guy Ritchie won't enjoy time with their kids? All have said how much it means to them.

Still, it can be very painful for ex-wives to see that their families are living lives without them - especially when spouses repartner. However, in time, this divorce therapist has seen many women realize that a break from 24/7 parenting can benefit everyone. And love is far more elastic and flexible than we think.

(This story will also be discussed on CBS' "Early Show")

Comments

[NWMonkeyGirl]

It's great to generalize... but

After twenty years of watching friends and family divorce around me, the only thing I can generalize is...

If the father was involved prior to divorce, he's more likely to be involved after.

If the father didn't participate during the marriage, he likely won't participate after.

The divorce didn't produce any epiphany. People are who they are.

[happyfeelin]

AMEN. Poor choices in men makes a good father not!

Women on here think that these guys changed like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. They'd better take a look in the mirror at themselves and ask if they are feeling this pain after the kids are born "am I asking my husband/baby daddy/ for support and help in a non-nagging way?".

Before they are pregnant though, they need to ask him "should I ever need a break and a time-out, how do you suppose we will be able to work through that when the time comes".

Stop fighting and arguing and raising angry kids that the rest of us have to deal with in many forms outside of the home and workplace.

[jojojo]

Not all divorces are the result of bad husbands. There are plenty caused by bad wives.

[Jill Brooke - Huffpost Blogger]

You are absolutely correct....I know of many women who have been difficult to live with or unfaithful and husbands did the heavylifting in trying to make the marriage work. Or often you have two good people who aren't good for each other...In most divorces, each partner blames the other for whatever behavior occurred. .But since mothers had the advantage in custody cases, I pointed this out to show how they shouldn't dismiss the possibility and necessity of more paternal involvement.

[robXdion]

Many women in today's culture see paternal involvement as threatening since it takes away their control and neutralizes their retributive instinct. And these runaway egos are ruining children who lack a father's guidance, disciplining and affirmation. The entertainment blogs and prison's are full of the result.

[Redheadwithopinions]

The custodial caretaker often leaves the non-custodian to be the "hardass" when it comes to raising the kids because they want to seem like the "good parent". The fact is I've seen a lot of kids that would have greatly benefited from some "hardass" parenting all the time, not just when they do something to tick the other parent off. I am in a situation where the judge said he was in a better position to raise her and now I don't have any visitation because he got a good lawyer..basically. My daughter is a teenager. When the going gets tough my ex calls me and says "Will you talk to her". What he wants is for me to tell her to never disagree with her daddy. He's never been her "daddy"...he's used her as a pawn in this game for years now. He doesn't have to work..he's on SSI....but they won't even acknowledge that he refuses to re-educate himself so that he can get work. Me on the other hand, they threaten with jail if I do not pay. They say I am "willfully Underemployed" etc. It's not true, but they can say it..and they don't have to prove it. Ever.

[h0tr0d]

What do you have to say about the fact that women initiate 70% of divorces ? Isn't this an indication of family court and divorce law ? Proponents of presumed joint custody already know the answer to this.

[tnunnster]

Hear, hear!

[mvonkroeker]

I agree--- I think the husband gets away from the nag--- finds himself lonely--- has epiphany after a few bad dates or short relationships--- comes back a better father for it.

Let's not complicate this too much--- guy's are inately pretty stupid.

[MikeMurphy]

And what was the last big thing invented by a female... You are a provocateur trying to start a gender flame are you? It is counter productive to be insulting and offers absolutely nothing of value.

[h0tr0d]

I don't understand the point of this post. There are no studies referenced that compare fathers before and after divorce......only that fathers care after divorce. No kidding ? Maybe we should be promoting fatherhood BEFORE divorce, rather than after !

[gloriousbeing]

Agree completely!!!

[jenniferwolf]

Thanks for sharing stories of men who DO remain involved after divorce!

[bramapanzer]

So appearently the viewpoints of a child of a divorced family aren't important to huffPo, only the pooor fathers. Enjoy your freedom, your more of a child then I am now.

[robXdion]

How your father made YOU feel doesn't represent everyone else. That aspect is quite tired really. Ever see the movie Kramer vs. Kramer? The 'daddy's fault' meme is so 70s. There are fathers who actually TRY. Buck up, man. Some of us have divorced parents and have been through foster homes, prison, and all sorts of maladies. It seems like your mother poisoned your mind against your father. You don't know why he left, do you? Maybe you should ask him instead of taking mom's word for it.

[bramapanzer]

Wow, how insulting.

My father was an abusive ass hole who berated anyone and everyone for anything and everything. He also cheated on my mother when she was in the hospital for neck surgery. My mom ain't no saint, but she at least took her marriage vows to heart.

Not only that, he was and still is a pathological lier. He's already re-married and lied his way into that family, his replacement kids believe he is some sort of saint, but soon like always, he will go off his meds and become the real him.

And guess who asked for the divorce?

He also hid 50k from the divorce lawyer, he immediately refused to pay us (his children) medical bills, or help my sister (who is on permanent disability) in the slightest.

Just because all Dad's aren't bad and some good ones are made to look bad in divorce, that doesn't mean that all Dad's are good either.

[happyfeelin]

Maybe you should ask your mother why he left? I mean REALLY ask her and tell her you want the truth...the whole truth and nothing BUT the truth.

[bramapanzer]

Part 2:
And here is the best part:

"Do you have any doubt that recent divorced dads including Dylan McDermott, Robin Williams, Russell Simmons or Guy Ritchie won't enjoy time with their kids? All have said how much it means to them. "

How about the kids! What does it mean to them! Just because they have an egotistic father doesn't mean THEY will enjoy time with HIM!

Yikes, no wonder the baby boomers are at 50% divorce rate, rationalize, rationalize, rationalize

[bramapanzer]

HuffPo: Thank you for posting my original comments

[bramapanzer]

Wow, this story is just unreal to me.

I'm a child of a divorced family and I don't care if my father may be more attentive for the 1 time i see him every 4 months, for all the pain and suffering he and my mother caused for my sister and I, I won't be forced to believe a divorce is an excuse to spend "more quality and alone time with my child."

"Another big boost for continued contact has been videoconferencing."

You're kidding right? It's not the fact that I couldn't contact my father, its that I WOULDN'T. I've since made amends, but I still have very little respect for him.

"In fact, research shows that the kids do like it when both parents are present. "

YEAH, like a marriage! This rationalizing of divorce with kids is sickening to me. I don't care how much effort you put into being a better parent AFTER divorce, you should have put twice the effort BEFORE divorce. Divorce for the young mind is incredibly disillusioning, and literally broke me for 5 years. I didn't realize how much it effected me until MUCH later.

.

[tc2598]

I would agree that people rationalize divorce too easily. But I don't think your specific experience invalidates all arguments for divorce. I don't know why your parents' marriage didn't work out, and I doubt you really do either.

The main reason that I think divorce is justified is in cases of abuse - but abuse in all its forms.

When a man slaps his wife around for years, and then she finally leaves, people call it empowering.

When Kate verbally abuses John on nationally television, and then he finally leaves, people call him a dog.

Husbands are abused and taken for granted all the time in this country, just like wives are. It's not in any child's best interest to sit around and watch one of their parents abuse the other one for years and years. Teaching your kids to put up with abuse is one of the worst kinds of parenting there is.

[bramapanzer]

I know my experience isn't the same as everyone elses, and I do realize verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, seeing as I experienced both. I'm not saying either of my parents were saints, but to say that Men become "better fathers after divorce" is so wrong. And I would say the same thing to an article about Women becoming better mothers after divorce. The point of a parent is to be there for the kid when the kid needs them, not the other way around. Of course it's easy when you can pick one weekend out of the month to devote entirely to your kid, but why don't these parents do that BEFORE they get divorce. Parenting is not meant to be easy, it is supposed to be a HUGE sacrifice. My generation is the divorce generation, literally every other kid has had there parents split up. I've seen bad moms, bad dads, bad chemistry, and neglect.

I will admit, however, the whole experience probably made me a more grounded person, I don't believe in much these days.

[happyfeelin]

I am sorry that you went through that. But I still stay that women are mostly in control of this mess. yeah men get physical but that's the rare occasion and typically women get involved with men who have defects in those areas and don't see the signs. I'm a woman who was abused in my life by an ex-boyfriend ...had I looked into his background, I would have found out the ugly truth for myself). I'm finding that most of the nagging bitches get a pass merely because of the role society has placed on fathers and allowing women to be the heros in the child's life because they belt out babies.

if gay marriage was legal, I bet the statistics would be the same...If divorced people (e.g. people who have decided that they're either out of love on the soft side of the coin or can't stand the sight of each other on the far end) could amicably raise the kids, the children would be happy and not damaged.

What I continue to find fascinating is the selfish adults of children who don't come to realize their full responsibilities in parenting and raising a healthy, well-adjusted child in the world, no matter what the circumstances.

So, I say that to say this...maybe before the woman gets pregnant and a man doesn't wear a condom or protect the possibility of an unwanted child, people should spend some time asking these questions up front.

[wherriott2]

"A study by J. Annette Vanini and Edward Nichols found that 77 percent of noncustodial fathers faced some form of visitation interference."

I can attest to that statistic .

"While many men acknowledge progress, some still complain that the system treats fathers as second-class citizens when asking for more time with their children."

Second-class? How about third-class or distant relative?! Don't ever get divorced in California.

"...part of the problem is that various state laws tie child support payments to the amount of time a father is with their child. Payments can be adjusted if the father spends as much as 100 nights with his child so many mothers resist giving 50-50 splits and are angered by the request."

Bingo! In high conflict child-custody divorces always follow the money for true motivation for interference of a parent-child relationship.

Unfortunately my manipulative sadistic ex-wife and a family court system that enabled the alienation forced me out of my kids lives. I would recommend Alec Baldwin's book, "A Promise to Ourselves", to anyone that is going through or about to go through a divorce that involves children. Very good read.

[toxicbrainpoison]

Who usually raises kids on a day to day basis? Moms. Sure its easy to be a good father when you see your kids for a few hours on the weekend... but that kid misses out on living with a father full time.

[wallyone]

In my case joint custody turned out to be a ruse. My ex-wife called all the shots. I found it hard to live with the constant humiliation, and had to move to another state to make sure I didn't blow up and physically harm her. I finally got over it. I loved my two kids beyond measure, and it killed me not to be with them every day.

[wherriott2]

co-sign

[RoloTomassi]

Same here; alienation is far more of a problem than most custodial parents will allow.

But what else can you do? In the end it comes down to self-preservation....

[Redheadwithopinions]

Sucks for you wallyone. I appreciate the dilemma..similar situation with my daughter..and I am her mother! Fact is, courts don't care who gets the kid if the money is there to fight it. There will always be a judge that will grant the one with the most income, and the "easiest" road for the kids. Because I would not give my daughter the same standard of living...(She'd have to share a room with her little sister for instance, and she'd have to learn to get around on public transportation) These are reasons for me to be denied my rights according to what I've seen. Doesn't matter that she would have two loving siblings that talk about her but really don't know her because she's not here. Doesn't matter that she would get more supervision not less due to the minor laws we have where I am. (Curfews and such). Doesn't matter that she's now extremely overweight and if she was with me she would be getting daily exercise and participating in healthy activities. Her dad and his parents got a great lawyer..and basically tossed me out of the equation.

[NYC-CatLover]

The key here is for both parents to reside relatively close to one another. That way, they can have a joint-custody arrangement and the kids can stay at the same school, see their friends, do community and school activities with disruption. Once either parent moves more than a 1-hour car ride away from the other, things go way downhill. I have no idea why this isn't common sense. Too my people think it's okay to move far away once they get divorced. How is anybody supposed to be a parent from 1000 miles away?

[Ezra Riner]

This is very true. As I touched on in another comment, I moved to the same apartment complex as my ex to make it easier for her to be a part of my son's life. (My son also has a half-sister who lives with his mother). This has been a huge success on a number of levels. He has a sister who adores him and he sees often. He sees mom frequently, even on nights he is with me. Something as simple as going to the pool can be a family thing even though we're not together. Holidays are technically split between us but we spend most together. If I lived across town, he would barely know his sister; she'd be more like a cousin. Family trips to the pool would not even exist and holidays would always be either missing a parent or a day spent largely in transit. To divorced couples who genuinely want to raise healthy, happy kids, ease of access is almost as important as having our space.

[Hendrix650]

Putting the PISSING AND MOANING aside, that most men who are divorced make; I decided that because of my particular situation, I would need to now become both THE MOTHER AND THE FATHER TO MY DAUGHTER. I had very simple rules; 1. NEVER SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT MY EX-WIFE, 2. SUPPORT MY DAUGHTER IN ALL FACETS OF HER LIFE, 3. DATE ONLY ON AN OCCASIONAL BASIS.
In short, I made the welfare of my daughter, the first, second and third Most important thing in my life, and any woman with whom I would date knew this. That was 21 years ago. My daughter graduated magna cum laude from college in 2005 and is currently preparing to go to graduate school.
When my daughter was at Mt. Holyoke, I had a female attorney question why I would want to pay 100% of her tuition to go to a school like that when she could get grants or better yet, GO TO A STATE SCHOOL; ALL OF WHICH WAS CODE FOR " WHY DON'T YOU SPEND THAT MONEY ON ME INSTEAD"?
What truly amazed me, was how many women just couldn't believe that with me,dating meant diner, movies and conversation only. What I learned very early, was that when you take Sex off the table, it really levels the playing field and most women don't like it.
I am currently retired, still not married nor dating anyone, AND life is great.

[tc2598]

You have a lot to be proud of, and it sounds like you know it. Good for you and your daughter.

[ladycubsfan]

After our divorce, my ex developed more patience with our children, treating his limited time with them as a rare jewel. We mutually agreed to increase his custody rights until the line was so blurred that there WAS no line. The kids (both girls) were back and forth at their leisure. I remarried and had another child, a son. My ex bought him Christmas and birthday gifts and refers to him as "the son I never had." My son loves his sisters and was confused for a while, referring to my ex as his "ex dad." But, it all worked out. If everyone could just put their feelings aside and think of what is best for the kids, things usually do fall into place. Bad mouthing an ex will come back to bite you. Children always know what's what; they don't need to hear it or be asked to take sides. Eventually, they will grow up and they will recognize what's true. My ex is the father of my daughters. If I insult him, I insult one-half of them. I could never do that.

[wherriott2]

You are a divorced father's dream come true. Too bad more women don't follow your lead.

[MikeMurphy]

You are a rare gem. I wish you good fortune. Your children are blessed..

[kendraro]

Life is better when you get some time to yourself - it is easier to be a good parent when you have had some down time once in a while and the non-stop 24/7 relentlessness of parenthood is intense on a marriage - which is also an intense level of togetherness if you never get any at home time alone, and add to that both people holding down a job, and I can see how people end up much happier divorced just because they have some time for themselves. Which is sad. I think Europeans have a much more manageable pace of life and better support like childcare that would make a huge difference for a lot of people.

[TenBagger]

Divorce courts in my state treat men - even hard-working men who were good providers, Husbands, and Fathers - like 2nd class citizens. There's lip service toward shared physical custody and joint parenting, unless the Father is willing to pay a steep emotional and financial penalty in a protracted custody battle, he's unlikely to get better than every 2nd weekend visitation. That's the unwritten norm. was told by one nasty magistrate that that was the only arrangement he had EVER seen in his 25 years in the Court. A blatant lie, but that is how the system works.

I made the mistake of earning two college degrees, establishing a solid career, and sacrificing so my ex-Wife could be a stay-at-home Mom. That decision - by mutual agreement - came to haunt me when SHE decided that she wanted more out of life and filed for divorce ( a tradition in her family - her sisters reached a certain age & divorced hard working men who were good providers and Fathers). When not taking care of three kids 1/2 of the time, I am now consigned to be an indentured servant fighting for survival as a >50 year old professional. My ex-Wife doesn't work, lives in a >$500K mortgage free house, enjoying leisure time in her low-stress lifestyle. She won't remarry because then she loses the alimony. People blather mindlessly about the country heading toward socialism. We already have something much worse - it's called divorce for men.

[wherriott2]

Welcome to my life. Thanks for sharing...hang in there.

[MikeMurphy]

Unfortunately your story is the norm. Dads are marginalized all to often by dysfunctional family courts.