Do Men Become Better or Worse Fathers After Divorce?
If divorce is in the future of duplicitous two-timers Gov. Mark Sanford to reality TV's Jon Gosselin, these men will have to navigate co-parenting. However, a growing trend shows that many men become better parents post-divorce, to the surprise of ex-wives who find it difficult to grasp that a man who wasn't a good husband can indeed be a good father.
Take the example of Peter Giles.
When Peter Giles' three daughters were toddlers, work consumed him at the expense of family life. The New York businessman would justify the absences as doing the right thing for his family since he was providing the financial womb while his wife was taking care of their other needs.
What finally made him a better father? Getting a divorce.
"The divorce was such a shock and forced me to take stock of who I was and what success should look like," said Giles, whose ex-wife Nancy Claus sought a divorce in 2001. "I came to realize that I had been providing for my children but needed to be more to them. "
Like the majority of divorcing men today, Giles sought joint legal custody, which courts are more willing to grant since a federal study shows that men paid child support 90 percent of the time in comparison to less than 45 percent when the mother had sole custody.
When his daughters visited, Giles morphed into a multi-tasker taking on chores previously done by his wife including cooking, buying cosmetics and remembering to buy eggs and bacon at the market.
"I wish he would have been as involved and helpful when we were married," said Claus. "But he has definitely become a much better Dad after our divorce."
He is not alone.
"When a father is away from the stress of a failed marriage, he can be more relaxed and more reflective and as a result enjoy being more fully involved with his children," said Don Gordon, professor emeritus of psychology at Ohio University and the director of the Center for Divorce Education.
David Gestl, the divorced father of four in Stewartstown, Pennsylvania, agrees, adding how it's a relief not to argue about parenting styles which allows the father to develop his own.
"In my marriage, I was always walking on eggshells and getting criticized," he said. "Recently after I made dinner, my son shook his chocolate milk and it went flying everywhere. I could say, just relax it's nothing a paper towel won't pick up. It's okay to make a mistake and fix it. "
One benefit to divorce is that with scheduled rationed time, each parent doesn't take it for granted and can have more single minded focus with their kids.
CNBC anchor Dennis Kneale says divorce has made him "vastly closer " to his 9-year-old daughter Jing-Jing. "In many families, mom is the center of everything and the husband is the supporting player," he observed. "But with divorce, I have had more one on one time with her in ways I never did before."
In a study on non-residential fathers, researcher Paul Amato from Pennsylvania State University found that the percentage of non-residential fathers being involved with their children more than tripled from 8 percent in the 1970's to 26 percent in 2000's.
A recent study by Kathleen Gerson, professor of sociology at New York University and author of " The Unfinished Revolution:How a New Generation is Reshaping Family, Work,
and Gender in America" found the number to be 27 percent.
"Large numbers of contemporary fathers are doing their best to fulfill their responsibilities as parents despite the limitations of not residing with their children," said Amato. "It's time to recognize, value and support the commitment of these men to their children."
Experts say that the rise of more involved fathers post-divorce is based on several factors that collectively aligned like shooting stars and is preventing what one organization calls, "a parentdectomy."
A kid-focus culture for starters has helped cement ties.
Dr. Warren Farrell points out that pop culture's parenting focus expanded the definition of a man's identity. In one study tracking data from 1965-1998, married men had doubled their direct child care involvement. "More men put in the effort early which created deeper attachments that fathers didn't want to lose," said Farrell, who is also the author of "Father and Child Reunion." Hence, more requests for joint custody.
Technology has also helped prevent or reduce what is called parental alienation where in the past the residential parent may - consciously or unconsciously - block contact either out of her resentment towards the father or because she has remarried and is protecting the stepfather relationship. A study by J. Annette Vanini and Edward Nichols found that 77 percent of noncustodial fathers faced some form of visitation interference.
But now fathers can give their kids pre-paid cell phones to insure contact. Divorce contracts are also often written to permit contact through email accounts.
Ted Rubin, a Huntington Long Island divorced dad to two girls, admits to using Facebook to keep in contact with his kids. "Sometimes when we speak on the phone I can tell if Mom is standing there and then later my daughter will contact me on Facebook," he said. "A lot of Dads complain that moms could stand in the way of communication but now it's almost impossible because kids are so tech savvy."
In fact, Rubin, who has a contentious divorce with his ex-wife, says that email helps divorced parents diminish "the nastiness is our dialogues" which the kids would overhear on the phone. Now he can email what time he's picking up the kids and delivering them without any verbal warfare.
Another big boost for continued contact has been videoconferencing. In 2002, Utah resident Michael Gough worried that his ex-wife's relocation to Wisconsin would wipe out his parental involvement. Considering that less than 10 percent of divorces go to trial, he fought to have the right to videoconference with his daughter. Utah was the first state to pass legislation for virtual visitation in 2004.
"It costs me thousands of extra dollars to go to court but as a result there is now a statute for videoconferencing that other judges and attorneys can refer to and follow," said Gough, who now runs a website called internetvisitation.org. Because of his efforts, Wisconsin, Florida and Texas all passed similar legislation and North Carolina did this month.
"With videoconferencing, I was able to read bedtime stories, help her with her homework and even watch her open up a present," said Gough, with genuine sentimentality.
Schools are also helping divorced parents co-parent on neutral ground. While some wives would raise their eyebrows like thunderbolts when an ex-husband would arrive at the sports field, schools are not playing favorites.
"My ex-wife interpreted the divorce agreement that if I arrived at my son's soccer game that it should only be when I had him for an overnight," said Eric Ryerson, a nurse in Eugene, Oregon and father to an 11-year-old son. "But I want to see him more than my custody arrangement and by coming to sports events and volunteering at school, I can see him more."
Ryerson went to the school and volunteered to be a chaperone for class trips, signed his name to contact forms and also spoke to coaches to provide information on his son's soccer and baseball games.
"I asserted myself to be present and got rewarded for it," said Ryerson. "I also got to meet his classmates and interacted with them." Ryerson recalls fondly how in second grade he was nicknamed Mr. Pushy because he eagerly pushed his son's friends on the swings. "My son told me he liked it when I came to school."
In fact, research shows that the kids do like it when both parents are present.
"They have fewer behavior and emotional problems, higher self-esteem and better school performance than children in sole custody arrangements," said Glenn Sacks, the National Executive Director of Fathers & Families. "When researchers have examined children of divorce, and studied and queried adult children of divorce, they've found that most prefer joint custody and shared parenting."
For example, in one Arizona State University study of college students who experienced their parents' divorces while they were children, over two-thirds believe that living equal times with each parent is the best arrangement. A Harvard University study also confirmed that children in joint custody settings fared much better than kids living in sole custody households.
While many men acknowledge progress, some still complain that the system treats fathers as second-class citizens when asking for more time with their children.
As Gary Nicholson, the president of the American Association of Marital Attorneys, explains, part of the problem is that various state laws tie child support payments to the amount of time a father is with their child. Payments can be adjusted if the father spends as much as 100 nights with his child so many mothers resist giving 50-50 splits and are angered by the request.
Said Nicholson, "Are there folks who look at this economically and think if I have equal time I won't have to pay as much child support? Yes. But the majority of dads want to be involved in their kid's lives. They feel they should be equal partners."
As the nation sees more divorced families, more parents have learned that even though the marriage is over, they are forever linked as co-parents. Cultural cues also encourage that they should love their children more than they hate their spouse. Over time, many hard feelings thaw and enhanced appreciation can ensue.
Deb Rabino, a New York based make-up artist, learned to admire her ex-husband's parenting of their two sons so much that when he lost his job in the financial industry, she voluntarily reduced his alimony and child support payments.
"He definitely became a better father after our divorce," she said. "He honored his support of us and now it was our turn to help him out."
The increased connection between children and fathers also results in other sacrifices as well. Michael Gough says videoconferencing helped get him more involved with his daughter. "My participation reminded me I have a daughter who needed me otherwise it could have been out of sight, out of mind." Because his wife later relocated to Austin, Texas, Gough now found a new job to be near his daughter.
"Videoconferencing really helped us stay closer," said Gough. "But it still can't replace seeing my daughter and getting a hug."
Like many men, he is getting remarried and may start a new family.
As Stephanie Coontz, the Director of Research and Public Education at the Council on Contemporary Families, observes, men have for more than 150 years tended to think of the responsibility of kids as a package deal. When the relationship split up, they'd walk away and start new families. "But we're seeing a growing number of men separting from their wives but not their children," she said.
Do you have any doubt that recent divorced dads including Dylan McDermott, Robin Williams, Russell Simmons or Guy Ritchie won't enjoy time with their kids? All have said how much it means to them.
Still, it can be very painful for ex-wives to see that their families are living lives without them - especially when spouses repartner. However, in time, this divorce therapist has seen many women realize that a break from 24/7 parenting can benefit everyone. And love is far more elastic and flexible than we think.
(This story will also be discussed on CBS' "Early Show")
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It's much easier to be a part-time parent than a full time one. The switch to part-time does not make someone a better parent. That's a basic fallacy with this article & the growing support for the culture of divorce.
Better if the fathers had this epiphany & decided to step up into their role without resorting to divorce and part-time parenting. It's better for children to see both parents taking full responsibility and working things out. I can't agree with congratulating anyone or calling them a better parent for leaving.
"CNBC anchor Dennis Kneale says divorce has made him "vastly closer " to his 9-year-old daughter. "In many families, mom is the center of everything and the husband is the supporting player. But with divorce, I have had more one on one time with her in ways I never did before."
Sorry, but none of this is anyone's fault but his. If he didn't like being a supporting player it was up to him to change it. I bet his wife and kids would have appreciated the help, and the attention, much more than an occasional parenting after divorce.
Many of the men above examples admit that they weren't contributing to the parenting of their own children. Could this have been a contributing factor to the "stress of a failed marriage?"
Hey guys. If your wife is asking you to help, if you are a stranger to your kids, it's time to step up.
Women have a way of dominating the raising of children.
Men are, often, not allowed to be FULL partner's in the raising of their children.
When their contributions are deemed second class by the mother, they begin to feel like they are, in fact, less important in their kids lives...
Haven't you noticed the trend of men who were distant at home, but grow into great fathers....once the mother is out of the way?
"Once the mother is out of the way..." Amen to that! For all the women pissing and moaning about their absent husbands and fathers-of-their-children, how much of your partner's input do you/did you accept and actually use? How involved have you let your partner be -- making appointments, sharing in decisions, etc., -- or do you want dad around only to change diapers so you can take a bubble bath? The typical father's disenfranchisement begins with the kid's conception and continues from there.
Let me see and count the ways why dad stayed at the office...that diaper is on crooked, that's too much baby powder, that's not warm enough formula,don't hold him/her that way, the child doesn't have enough clothes on,put the cap on this way so the sun doesn't get in the eyes,you missed a spot of dried milk on the face...and the list goes on. Then there's the gatekeeping...and the list grows. Its all a good way to ensure dad is sidelined early and isn't around so much to be criticized. Are you guilty?
Men are, often, not allowed....
Its all a good way to ensure dad is sidelined.....
So passive? Fathers have equal responsibility for their children, and no amount of so-called gate-keeping or nagging would stop a good father from being there in any way he can for both the child and the mother. Sure, some women "have a way of dominating" parenting. Can you think why? It's because their social approval depends upon it, and they have been trained for it from the first time they're handed a doll to play with. That doesn't make them bad parents or bad partners.
But it does make for a good excuse. "She was such a nag...."
The best thing to do is put ego aside. Realize that most parents are stressed and overwhelmed balancing the complete change that children bring. Kindness, patience, generosity, forgiveness, and open communication are much easier than splitting up. And better for the children.
who knows, but they are probably poorer but happier
See Tom Matlack's Profile
Thanks Jill for this great piece! I am in fact the case in point. I got divorced with a 6 month old son and 2 year old daughter. I was on the front page of the Wall Street Journal succeeding financially but I was an absent father. When I got kicked out of the house I had to make a fundamental decision. I took two years off to be with my kids (and get my priorities straight). That was 13 years ago. I eventually went back to work and my kids grew up to be well-adjusted teenagers. I got remarried and have a 4 year old son as well. But the whole experience motivated me to start a foundation to help at-risk boys but also spark a national discussion about what it means to be a good father, son, husband and worker. None of that would have happened if I hadn't been forced to take a very long look at myself in the mirror. I just remember sitting in a church parking lot calling my mom to try to explain to her how I went from finance wunderkind to homeless in a matter of an hour. I was crying because I was so scared that I would lose my kids. I decided right then and there that i would try to do better. Spending lots of time with toddlers solo was not easy but I wouldn't trade it for any deal I might have missed.
Very inspirational story. Thanks for sharing.
Now maybe we should move on to the question of "Why do ex-wives become worse mothers after a divorce?" How is it that a woman who doted on her children when she was married, suddenly become resentful of her kids after a divorce. Obviously, it doesn't always happen, but when the ex-wife finds herself out there without daily support and having to make a living for a family, she will often become overwhelmed by the chores of maintaining a home, and she sometimes becomes more distant, less expressive of love, less tolerant, and, in short - she often takes on the very traits that she hated in her ex-husband. I wonder why that is?
Because she is always the victim :) She could have had the husband she wanted and the family, too.
The presence of children also damages her "prospects" of finding another man. Biologically speaking, men look for younger women who don't have children. Hitting the mid-30s with kids in tow? Makes things a little more difficult.
For a man, being in your 30's with kids is pretty much a recipe for eternal singleness too. Women ooh and ahh over single fathers but are pretty much interested in nothing more beyond the spectacle.
In my case, I did get lucky. My ex screwed up enough I had a fighting chance but she was reasonable and so was I. We hired a mediator, not a lawyer and worked out a healthy arrangement whereby our son lives with me but spends 2 nights a week with his mother. I even moved into the same apartment complex as her to simplify logistics. Our divorce agreement divvys up birthday, holidays, etc. but, in practice, we share them all as an extended family. Now that we are happily apart, my ex and I are both better parents. We are more at ease with ourselves and each other and the energies that were once diverted to conflict are now focused entirely on caring for our son and her daughter. Hell, we're even friends. We know someone who understands us is a phone call away if we need to talk. And there's always someone who can help with the kids. This is good. It's healthy. The only thing that's been holding it back is a system that has long seen "mother = nurturer; father = organic ATM" as a forgone conclusion.
Things are getting better but even in its support, this article blindly accepts some basic fallacies that really get under my skin. Since comments are limited in length, let me focus on the big two.
1) That custody defaults to mothers and fathers should feel lucky just to get it 50/50. This is, in fact, how it works, particularly in regressive states like Florida. Fathers have to move heaven and earth and hope their ex cooperates and/or screws up so egregiously that they can chip away at the automatic assumption of maternal custody. Accepting this brutal status quo is every bit as damaging as just assuming the white guy gets the job if the other applicant is black. It may be the way things are but the fact that we accept it is a pox on our nation.
2) The assumption of some deficiency in the father's parenting prior to divorce, or even that "good dad" was a "bad husband." Divorces happen for all sorts of reasons and a lot of them are actually not dad's fault. The notion that dads wanting custody and greater involvement with their children is a new phenomenon will come as a shock to the hundreds of thousands of dads who have been run out of the courthouse on a rail for decades. We're no more new than gay people wanting to be married; you're just finally seeing us as human beings for the first time.
Excellent post. Fanned.
It's good to know that some men are becoming better fathers after divorce.
Many do not, especially if the new wife feels threatened by his closeness with his children.
So again, it's the WOMAN who impacts on the father's ability to parent his kids!
When both parents are there, two things can happen....sometimes both happen....
The father defers to the mother. Since the common wisdom is women know more, etc.
The mother does not wait for him to defer and she dominates, since "women know more" etc.
The same way a man might impatiently take over for his wife changing a tire or something he could do better than she can...women can dominate the parenting process.
Men have little evidence or historically weight to back up any argument to take back those parenting duties, even if they wanted to...
>>As Stephanie Coontz, the Director of Research and Public Education at the Council on Contemporary Families, observes, men have for more than 150 years tended to think of the responsibility of kids as a package deal. When the relationship split up, they'd walk away and start new families. "But we're seeing a growing number of men separting from their wives but not their children," she said.
Maybe part of the deal was that women nearly always get the children in a divorce, regardless of the situation. Perhaps sometimes the children were "ripped away" from the father rather than having the father "walk away and start new families".
Why is it so much more acceptable to negatively generalize men than women?
Women haven't always gotten the children in a divorce. Not sure when the change occured (sometime in the early 20th century, I think), but there was a time when children were awarded to the father in a settlement. The notion of fatherly responsibility trumped motherly love.
That may be true, but it is certainly of little to no relevance to the US in the last 50 years. Women get the children in the overwhelming majority of cases, then some women hide under the cover of 'feminism' and speculate as to why men abandon their families. One night a week and half of every other weekend of enforced custodial limitations does that for them.
Fanned.
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