Don't You Think Forgiveness is Overrated?

Let me tell you why I think forgiveness is overrated. When your life has been rocked by a wicked injustice, well-meaning friends, clergy and therapists will inevitably retrieve from their tattered dog-eared bibles, snappy quote books or psych 101 texts how you really need to embrace forgiveness to move on. And I want to say, Puhleeze spare me that term. It is far too imprecise and unfulfilling.

The concept of forgiveness has surfaced lately with people ranging from Chris Buckley to Elizabeth Edwards.

First, the New York Times excerpted Chris Buckley's book about his famous parents. What we learned is that socialite Patricia Buckley was a woman so drunk with her self-importance that she would spit out torrents of stinging barbs with impunity leaving her son doused with emotional debris. His last words at her deathbed were, you guessed it, "I forgive you."

Would those have been your last words?

Instead of forgiving her, wouldn't it have been far more fulfilling for him to have said . "Mommy dearest. You were a selfish bitch who valued your friends more than me. And where are they now? Not at your bedside. Maybe they're lunching somewhere just as you did during my college graduation when I couldn't find Mommy and Poppy anywhere. What rejection. Oh and by the way, that insensitive remark you said about a Kennedy relative in front of your granddaughter's best friend who is a member of that family is bad form. A class act would have taken a page from Jackie Kennedy who wisely said, "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much.' Ta ta."

What is the point of Chris Buckley forgiving his mother since she has made no effort to be forgiven. Which is my problem with this concept that is tossed around like a Frisbee. You can accept behavior, learn from it, not repeat it and move on without forgiving.

There is a reason that the Ten Commandments doth say, Honor thy parents. Notice the omission of the word love. There's a reason. As great rabbis have noted, love has to be earned. Did Jesus really mean turn the other cheek and be a doormat?

I have learned by also having a selfish mother that your parents teach you who you want to be and not be. As someone who has a deep abiding faith in God, I accepted the destiny of my childhood and learned to find the lessons in it. I am now the mother I always wanted and my son has a relationship with me based on trust not disappointment. That is the victory. I don't need to say I forgive her. I don't. I call her, take care of her, and see her but not as often as she would like in her older age.

Don't you think there has to be consequences to bad behavior?

Elizabeth Edwards now has a book called Resilience where she admits she wanted to throw up when she learned of her husband's affair with Rielle Hunter. But she didn't want to throw him out. They had built a life together and she wanted to protect her young family - especially since her options were few considering her terminal illness. The pain of betrayal surely was as bad as any medical one. Adding salt to the wounds, he wasn't as honest with all the details of the affair early on.

She learned to forgive him she writes for the little moments that were meaningful to her. "I lie in bed, circles under my eyes, my sparse hair sticking in too many directions and he looks at me as if I am the most beautiful woman," she says.

I bet he does. Now. The man has been publically shamed, his career shattered and his only refuge really his family. Most likely Elizabeth, who has been battling cancer for some time, had the same symptoms another time. But perhaps John Edwards has worked harder on being forgiven.

Maybe he went through the process where he acknowledged his mistake, asked what he could do to make reparations to the soul and allowed her to express and confront her rage without slinking away. This is forgiveness that is earned. It is opening the door to a new beginning.

In Kerry Kennedy's book, Speak Truth To Power, which chronicled how human rights activists survived hardships, Archbishop Desmond Tutu says, "We should not be scared with being confrontational, of facing people with the wrong that they have done. Forgiving doesn't mean pretending things aren't as they really are. Forgiveness is the recognition that ghastliness has happened. And forgiveness doesn't mean trying to paper over the cracks, which is what people do when they say, 'Let bygones be bygones.' Because they will not. They have an incredible capacity for always returning to haunt you. Forgiveness means that the wronged and the culprits of those wrongs acknowledge that something happened. And there is necessarily a measure of confrontation. Then once the culprit says, 'I am sorry," the wronged person is under obligation to forgive.'"

And yes, the forgiveness can then be a release.

I understand why people say you have to learn to forgive. The assumption is that if you don't, you hold on to anger which poisons your spirit - and even impacts your health. It's the terminology I have a problem with. Words have power.

Forgiving people for little flaws is part of loving and also part of recognizing the human experience. It's easy to overlook and understand why someone may say an unkind word in a moment of haste, forgets a birthday or even becomes emotionally messy or needy in certain situations These are the cases when you don't need the apology. But when the wounds cut so deep into your psyche or are forever life-altering, letting go doesn't have to be defined by the word forgiveness.

In my own life, my husband's CFO turned out to be a diabolical, duplicitous lying thief who illegally stole our life savings as well as the livelihoods of over 100 people. I will never forgive him for the anguish and betrayal. Instead, I have to accept and identify that this has been done and focus on what I still have and can have. My faith has helped a great deal. However, the word "forgive" makes me ill. The words "accept God's plan" sets me free as does letting go and realizing he has his destiny, I have mine.

Does saying the word, "I forgive," mean that the person has no sway on you anymore and you have turned from being powerless to powerful? If it does, then you are lucky. For me, forgiveness requires some effort on the culprit of the injustice. People need to be accountable for their life-altering behavior. Because even if you say you forgive, you never forget. Accepting your destiny, learning the lessons from choices, making a new plan, giving love and still finding many ways to squeeze out joy with what you have is what gives me a sense of power. Not saying I forgive someone who has not made any effort to be worthy of it.

Comments

[ofcoursejesusisblack]

This is a truly refreshing perspective. I agree with this author 100 percent. It has taken me some time but I now realize that I do not have to tolerate bad relationships or shifty "frenemies". Forgiveness has to be earned and only when the forgiver is good and ready to dole it out.

[Emerald1943]

There is forgivenes­s....yes, I tried that. After my husband had an affair with my best friend, in our home, in our bed.....

It took a very long time to get to the point of forgiveness. But there was still something there, even five years after the fact, that I was not expecting to get in the way of completely repairing the marriage.

That little fly in the ointment was the loss of TRUST! I stayed with my husband for another five years, trying to make the marriage work. But every time he walked out the door, I got that sick, nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. I found out that I could never trust him again. We ended up divorced six years after the affair.

The betrayal of marriage vows is bad....but the betrayal of trust is irreparable!

[kjstjohn]

Forgiving doesn't necessarily mean trusting again, does it?

[kaaramel]

Good article. I think what you are requiring is REPENTANCE. In Christianity, that's what you do when you realize why Jesus had to die for your sins, that your sins cannot be forgiven except Jesus pay for them, when you understand the exceeding sinfulness of sin and when you acknowledge that there's nothing you can do to right your wrong. First step in repentance, confess your sin, second step ask for forgiveness, third step make restitutions even though your restitutions will never be enough to right your wrongs, fourth step commit to yourself that you will try your very best not to do it again.

[Malkin71]

What do you do if you don't believe any of that bull___?

[PuddinPie]

What is it you don't believe in? Consider that religion is a way we define consciousness, existence. It's a means to cope with the seconds, minutes, years of being. Don't get caught up in the man called Jesus. Don't get caught up in religion. I am not religious. I don't know if Jesus Christ existed. I do know, sometimes we need something to help us make sense of our lives and a man of peace and love is not a bad place to start.

[mikebythesun]

To be forgiven, the perp must repent and wish they never did the act. Without that, forgiveness becomes an act of self-pity on the part of the victim.

But to say that forgiveness is overrated is to be weak, as far as I'm concerned. My wife had an affair two years ago and I never felt so low in my life. She was tormented by her mistake and there were weeks when I would embelish in it. Then one day I realized that the strongest, most noble thing I could ever do in my life was to make the conscious decision to try to forgive her and move past it. I chose that over letting it turn me into a bitter, soul-less old man.

Does it still hurt when I think of it? Of course. But I know that it pains her, too, and that she would undo it in a second if she could.

[upbeatdem]

Forgiveness is a difficult concept. It seems that everyone has a different idea of what it means. Still, I disagree with the author's focus on the state of mind of the other person. Forgiveness is about the forgiver. I believe that one can forgive another person and continue the relationship or not continue the relationship. I have done both. I do not claim to have the best approach to this complicated issue. However, I know that requiring the other person to be sufficiently sorry that he or she deserves our forgiveness is a losing proposition every time. You have to decide whether you can get past what has happened. If you can, without giving up your dignity or peace of mind, you can forgive and move on in the relationship. If you cannot, you can still let go of anger and bitterness toward that person (over time) and wish him or her well, even as you move on with your life without him or her.

[onelovecandy]

Absolute forgivenes­s... heals absolutely­....

I could cry you a river over those who I believe have hurt, used and abused me... or I could open my heart wide and say thank you to those wonderful human beings who, without meaning to, brought me more joy, more peace than they could ever have imagined.

As long as we are living, we will hurt and be hurt. I hope the forgiveness I extend may one day be returned to me. When I know better, I do better. I believe everyday I live, I am doing the best I can in this moment. I believe that also of everyone else.

I have to.

[texhall00]

Well said, we have all at one time have looked at ourselves in the mirrow. We are all guilty of hurting someone and to forgive is divine.

[kaaramel]

To forgive is divine. We are not divine. That's why it's so hard to do.

[singermuse]

Forgiveness is never really about the person who did the hurting. Betrayal, hurt, aggression, are part and parcel of the human condition. There will always be Jerks, Yahoos and even well meaning people who will do stupid things, outrageous things, hateful things, or outright screw people over.
Forgiveness is a process and isn't a wave of the wand. No one can cajole/nag­/force/sha­me a person into real forgiving. We forgive if and when we are good and ready to and when we do, it is a healing and a gift we give ourselves, not the person who hurt us. Many times they've long been out of the picture or if they are still in our lives, haven't a clue and have long ago moved on.

[waitforme]

The writer omits the idea of understanding. I find that if I can understand why someone hurt me in a deep way, if I can find out about what hurt them -- was it me, or was it something in their childhood triggered by me? or circumstances? -- what? then my helplessness and rage often dissolves.

The worst example I've heard of 'forgiveness' being imposed was an NPR host who, interviewing the father of one of 'the four little girls' who died in a church bombing 40 years before, asked him if he had 'forgiven' the man who threw the bomb. -- The father was reliving his daughter's death that anniversary, no doubt as if it was yesterday, and he had no relationship with the bomber. To be asked if he 'forgave' him is a double-bind; if he says no, is he, himself, not good enough?

As a trauma psychotherapist for 25 years I learned in a 1980 training by Chloe Madanes that when someone has been very wronged, say by sexual molestation as a child, she has a right to ask 1) for an acknowledgement of the crime -- and understanding of the ways he hurt the victim, 2) a sincere apology (with emphasis on 'sincere' -- adjudged by the victim), 3) compensation (mediated by the therapist), keeping in mind no amount of money could make up for the injury. If the victim wants to continue a relationship with the perpetrator that is her business. 'Forgiveness' is not mentioned,

[Duke1225]

Thanks for this article. I have just never understood this idea of forgiveness, and I may be wrong, but I think it is a Christian idea. As a Jew, I was told we believe forgiveness is God's job. A person, who turned out to be paranoid schizophrenic, went into a restaurant and shot and killed my brother, a complete stranger. He was 44 and he had three kids; the oldest was 9. One person who heard about this (the day after it happened) said to me, oh, it's going to be hard work to forgive that person. The hard work was grieving and dealing with anger over the loss. I never obsessed about his killer. I have asked many people what forgiveness means (because as you say, I here this word all the time) and have been told it means you don't obsess over the person who harmed you. Ok, so I don't obsess. I would call that not obsessing, but whatever. So, now what? Do I send the guy gifts in prison, do I visit? What specifically do I do or think in terms of forgiveness? I agree with you, it's a very, very vague term. Not understanding this concept, I just get on with my life the best way I know how and find people, and rely on my concept of God, to get support and grow through this emotional journey.

[kaaramel]

I'm a Christian and my understanding of forgiveness is that it is a gift from good. The whole point of the Christian life is to crucify your self and be born again in Christ, meaning that your main goal, the only one that matters, is to do what God wants you to do. Since God wants you to forgive, you don't ask yourself how you're going to forgive someone, the ability to forgive is a gift from God and no person has the capacity to do this. Hence you don't obsess about it as you say, you just tell God that you want to forgive whoever you want to forgive, but you don't ask him how he's going to enable you to do that.

[kjstjohn]

I understand what you are saying. And I would add that there are wrongs that I am not competent to forgive. Forgive AH? That is a matter I happily leave to God. If God can forgive and redeem AH then so be it. If not, then so be it.

I would say that the vague Christian concept of forgiveness is connected to the vague concept of loving one's enemy. Both concepts are connected to the vague concept of the redemptive power of love.

I would say that practicing Christians try to forgive and love almost indiscriminately because one never knows a priori who can be redeemed (and I do not mean converted) by the power of love and who cannot. The priest in Les Miserables who forgives the protagonist for stealing the candle sticks is my favorite (albeit fictitious) story about the redemptive power of forgiveness.

[TomR]

----
'Let bygones be bygones.' For me, forgiveness requires some effort on the culprit of the injustice.
----

True, if you're attempting to continue your relationship with that person. A person seeking forgiveness must first admit their wrongdoing. If they expect to be forgiven without admitting their wrongdoing, there is nothing to stop them from committing the same wrongdoing again and again.

If that person is out of your life, you can forgive them without telling them for your own benefit, so you can get on with your life and leave that baggage behind.

- Tom

[Gwen Randall]

Yet, we can't forgive just because someone admits that they're wrong. Many people with anger management issues burst into tears and admit they were wrong for beating someone close to them. But very few of them are able to contain the impulse to lash out. You know they'll do it again. They know they'll do it again. Something's wrong with them that can't be fixed by good intentions. If we burden the victim with the responsibility of forgiveness just because the abuser cried in remorse, that's just cruel.

We have this idea that everyone can change and that our forgiveness will help that process. If the behavior is only a question of maturity, that could be true. But some of us have mental or neurological issues that can't be fixed by a confession and a hug.

[TomR]

----
Yet, we can't forgive just because someone admits that they're wrong. Many people with anger management issues burst into tears and admit they were wrong for beating someone close to them. But very few of them are able to contain the impulse to lash out. You know they'll do it again. They know they'll do it again. Something's wrong with them that can't be fixed by good intentions. If we burden the victim with the responsibility of forgiveness just because the abuser cried in remorse, that's just cruel.
----

I agree. Once you set your boundaries and they still get violated, then it's time to cut that person out of your life.

----
We have this idea that everyone can change and that our forgiveness will help that process. If the behavior is only a question of maturity, that could be true. But some of us have mental or neurological issues that can't be fixed by a confession and a hug.
----

If I gave this impression, that's not what I'm getting at. Some people may expect to be forgiven without ever admitting wrongdoing. Admitting wrongdoing is a step in the right direction, but it doesn't equate to a confession and a hug.

- Tom

[RPLinNYC]

"You can accept behavior, learn from it, not repeat it and move on without forgiving.­"

Excellent point, in a nutshell.

[feyangel]

I agree AND disagree with this commentary. I had a horrific childhood. My birth family was filled with sick, twisted individuals who abused, misused and tormented my sister & I every chance they got-- and dumped us in an orphanage when caring for us became inconvenient. I pattern-istically had to work through the usual pattern of attracting similar a__holes through out most of my adult life-- but/and in the midst that I also carved out a life, relationships with my children and a Heart family full Loving, kindness, laughter and Grace. I learned to be happy and healthy.

One “healing choice” I did make, at some point, was not to have active relationships with those people who had so mistreated me, either in childhood or as an adult. AND I chose to do that out of Loving for myself, not out of hurt & anger with them. I am clearly aware of the ill-treatment I experienced & acknowledge the hurt & rage that grew out of that, but I choose to shape my life out of my capacity to Love-- to do and receive Goodness. So I get to live a life colored by that.
Those people still have to live with themselves, and at some point in Time & Space, I feel, will have to read their Life-Story TO THEMSELVES without all the excuses they have made for themselves here. Overall—I have great pity for them.

In my Heart, I definitely had the last laugh.

[mydwyf]

You must be a very mature soul. I married into a family like your birth family (they put up a good front but underneath that oh my god) and it took me many years to grok what scripts were still playing in my husband's head. And the excuses are the worst part. So transparent to me, but so compelling to them. And yes, at some point they will face their life stories. But who knows what threads were woven into their own childhoods -- or into their adult activities -- which informed how they behaved. (My father in law dropped bombs on people in two wars. That is not an activity which you just walk away from later.)

As Aslan says in one of the Chronicles of Narnia books (Prince Caspian, I think):
"I only tell people their own stories. Not anyone else's".

[huffnpuff147]

Challenging the concept of forgiveness is as old as thef forgiveness itself. This author has never suffered a wrong worthy of forgiveness, once she does I guarantee you her tone will change.

[waitforme]

(What nonsense.)

[kaaramel]

Thanks.

[TaurusRose]

It looks to me like nobody responding here 'gets it' Brooke has written a well articulated summary which challenges the old formulaic concepts of 'forgiveness'.

I'm sure all of you who disagree will come to forgive her for being so right on in her wise observations!

[Jay Haney]

Agreed, she does challenge the old formulas and rightly so. They were less than useless to me when all was said and done. But you may have also noticed that she took it a step further and encouraged people to cling to their hate, their anger, and their despair if they feel they can't let go. From what I make of her argument, it is somehow more..."em­powering". My mother made that same mistake and it ruined her health and social relationships.

In short, I find the article a call to cowardice, an empty reassurance that somehow, by keeping the wounds open and the hate going, the wronged will somehow be vindicated and justified. It's the same sort of reasoning that compels suicide bombers, church shooters, and torture memo authors to commit their atrocities on the world: "We HURT, so we'll make the rest of the world HURT with us." It solves nothing, helps nothing, accomplishs nothing...­and God help those who turn that anger on just themselves.

True wisdom is knowing how to bring people together in harmony, not tear them apart in hate.

[kaaramel]

"In short, I find the article a call to cowardice, an empty reassurance that somehow, by keeping the wounds open and the hate going, the wronged will somehow be vindicated and justified. It's the same sort of reasoning that compels suicide bombers, church shooters, and torture memo authors to commit their atrocities on the world: "We HURT, so we'll make the rest of the world HURT with us." It solves nothing, helps nothing, accomplishs nothing...­and God help those who turn that anger on just themselves­."

You don't get it. The author said "You can accept behavior, learn from it, not repeat it and move on without forgiving.­" I agree with her. Not everyone can be brought together in harmony, some people need to be separated. I want you to try having a girl who has been brutally raped over for dinner with the men who assualted her and watch them toast each other. It cannot happen. Many people who choose not to forgive are mature enough to know that they are not justified in punishing the world for the wrong that was done to them by one person. You are implying that choosing not to forgive will almost always lead to suicide bombing and church shooting. This is not true.

[RumiSouth]

I think Ms. Brooke is confusing "forgive" with "forget."

To forgive is to stop letting the misdeeds of another rule your mind -- and that is exactly what a grudge does. It warps your own behavior without ever impacting the person your grudge is against. And I would even say that forgiveness is the ultimate vengeance; when Buckley forgave his mother, he was letting go of grief before she was even done dying. He might as well have said, "Mom, I'm over you."

[Gwen Randall]

There's another element to forgiveness: It doesn't have to be vengeance - it can also be pity. It's acknowledging that a parent, a person who had god-like powers over you, was unable to to fix his/her own flaws. "I get it. You're selfish because you don't have the capacity to understand another's feelings. I feel sorry for you, because you're missing out on real love. I forgive you because you're not capable of being who you need yourself to be let alone what I need you to be."

I also agree that there are times when forgiveness is impossible. Perhaps it's too soon. Or perhaps a new event has brought up old memories. The criminal self-interests of the investor has brought up all the old feelings about her selfish mother. People who serve their self interest over all other considerations have hurt her terribly. Her faith tells her to forgive, but she can't. She shouldn't even try right now. She needs time to grieve first.

[KAnnS2007]

I agree. Forgiving and forgetting are two very different things.