Elizabeth Edwards Reportedly Thinks Serial Cheating Is Worse Than an Affair. Do You?
At the National Enquirer rumor station, which pumps out more toxic fumes than Exxon, it was reported that Elizabeth Edwards wants to divorce her husband John Edwards because she now thinks he was a serial cheater vs. just having had an indiscretion with Rielle Hunter. An indiscretion I may add that led to the birth of a child.
As someone who specializes in marriage and divorce, I arched my eyebrows like half moons and immediately called my colleague, Dr. Bonnie Eaker-Weill who wrote "Adultery:The Forgivable Sin."
"What are the odds of that being true for most women?" I said.
"Very low," laughed Bonnie.
Because the truth is that most women who marry powerful men find it easier to accept serial cheaters vs. having them involved with one special person.
As Bonnie said, "When it happens over time with many people, wives can justify that it's like a flavor of the week, an addiction, a love drug."
More or less like sky diving, where the guy looks for a thrill over and over again and then comes home to the wife. The wife is willing to make this Faustian bargain as Hillary Clinton did because she can say that he doesn't love these women, he just can't help himself. The wives find ways to justify the behavior by blaming the other women's values that are as low as the plunging necklines of their Versace dresses. Because deep down they know that the guy eventually comes home to the bosom of his nurturing and far more wholesome family.
And that thinking isn't too far off. Guess what the stats are of powerful men leaving their wife after an affair? Less than 3 percent eventually married their lovers.
Oh and here's another juicy statistic that should give some predators something to think about. The ones who get married to the lovers that caused the family break-up? Those couples have a 75 percent divorce rate. And the vast majority have ironclad pre-nups. (Or as iron-clad as they can be.)
But the real threat to a marriage is when the man gets emotionally involved. When he cares, when he offers financial support. When he claims, as Gov. Mark Sanford did that he loves the other woman. Those sincere heartfelt words bruise like bubbling acid which is part of the reason that Jenny Sanford ditched her hubby on the mea culpa podium. And most likely why Silda Spitzer did not.
When it's not a woman he loves, it also gives the wife a narrative to explain the affair to the children who can't help but see the on-going drama in our seamy stake-out culture with 24/7 cable rotations. But make no mistake about it, the children are still scared and scarred.
"I found it much easier when I knew my father was a serial cheater," Dr. Bonnie Eaker-Weill told me.
He later told me he had a relationship with someone for over three years. I had looked at his serial cheating as though he went to a movie and had ice cream and one year he wanted banana, another time strawberry. It didn't feel as threatening. But when I found out he had had one special person for that time, it was gut-wrenching. It hits you in the gut. I felt so bad for my mother.
Because no one wants to be replaced. No one wants to feel disposable.
But Elizabeth Edwards reportedly feels differently. And she may. Each of us processes pain differently. But most of us haven't performed on a media circus where the precarious balancing act was implying it was not a chronic problem. This latest revelation could be just too much to bear and the woman has gone through so much.
When I look at what is happening, it makes me think of one of my clients who ping-ponged between being angry and numbed by pain. Elizabeth has endured both physical and emotional pain. Her anger has been marinating a long time and she may be ready to finally fry her husband.
What is the tipping point in a marriage? Each one is different.
But Bonnie and I discussed what happens behind closed doors when affairs have been revealed.
Sixty-five percent of marriages break up after adultery. One of the reasons is that the betrayed finds it almost impossible to not bring up the hurt in the couple's day to day life. It permeates each dinner, each trip to the grocery, each night in bed. The person who has gone back to the family doesn't want to hear about the indiscretion being dredged up day after day. And it's risky.
When the other spouse brings up the other person, it reminds him/her of the thrill which he/she is trying to get over. That doesn't mean the injured party shouldn't have a place to discuss it. But it should be in a therapist's office or a pre-scheduled allotted time where one can just vent and get it out of their system and both wear the emotional equivalent of bulletproof vests. If someone holds in pain, it festers and can cause disease and heartache.
So how long will a guy listen in these scheduled venting sessions? "Between one minute and ten. No more," says Bonnie. And I agreed. Though many of you will think this harsh.
This is not to say that men haven't suffered from affairs. But in our experience, women need to talk about it more. These gender distinctions don't mean that the pain is any less searing. It just means that it's dealt with in different ways.
And whether it's a man or a woman who cheats, it is still a selfish act. When a spouse says that their serial cheater isn't in love with anyone else, that's not completely true. They're in love with themselves. And the sweet gooeyness of the other relationships is actually dripping with poisonous venom that hurts and scars the family and especially the children.
Follow Jill Brooke on Twitter: www.twitter.com/divorcemama
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If Henry Miller talked about his sex life as much as Governor Mark Sanford talks about his sex life, people would have started thinking he was some kind of perv.
Elizabeth Edwards - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Elizabeth Edwards Fed Herself to the Vultures - The Daily Beast
Elizabeth Edwards: How I Survived John's Affair - TIME
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Twenty-six years later I am in the middle of kicking my serial cheater to the curb. I was aware of one infidelity back in the 90's, we separated for approximately six months, did the counseling thing, got back together. Never told of any other relationships. Suspected other infidelities, asked, checked, searched, begged for the truth, was always told it was one time and one time only. Seems the serial cheater has many enemies and truth is I am now finding out the first time he cheated was in 1989 - while I was pregnant with our only child, and that this has been going on ever since. The only time he has been faithful is the last six-years of our marriage, and I only can attest to this because of his many enemies.
I am now seeking a divorce. I can say as someone who is dealing with it...an affair can be dealt with, numerous, non-stop, screw whatever walks, UNFORGIVABLE!!!!!!
2Bfair: Please accept my apology for the snarky comment. Usually when I come to Huffpo I'm ready to be fired up and angry about things.
Apparently affected my sense of humor. I really do have one I promise.
Peace
The. F.
I think Bill and Hillary Clinton have been married a very long time, they have dealt with infidelity, but I think they really do love each other. Who are we to judge? If they are happy with the situation they are in, then I am happy for them, and wish them well. I love the Clintons, they are wonderful humanitarians.
I disagree
I agree.
My heart goes out to Elizabeth and all the sisters who find themselves in the same situation. Trust, honesty, respect, GONE. Lies openly, lies by admission, lies to themselves, lies to their children, and loves the thrill of the secret. After 18 years with a man I was told " I deserved my affair". In my opinion not husband material then or ever.
My advice, Men, if you like lots of women, need multiple partner, can't be faithful, never enough life style, just, don't get married or live in a committed relationship.
There is a double standard here, this belief of being above rules and entitled to do as one pleases regardless. C St house in DC is a perfect example.
Funny, men don't cheat at golf, or other sports, yet will cheat in marriage. I believe it to be a throwback notion from when women were property.
I believe this infidelity contributes largely to the breakdown of the family and adds to the poverty level of single mom households. Children learn from the behavior of their parents. Extra marital affairs are quite the example ?!?
I believe women need to come together as sisters and put an end to this. Women tend to hold morals and marriage sacred. It is time to "just say NO" to this pig behavior. Dog in heat comes to mind. I believe it's up to us, these type of men don't have the self restraint, or the good sense to behave.
That is a very traditional perspective. Perhaps not in this case -- but I can cite many families that somehow manage to have fully-functional families (raising kids) without forcing monogamy. Sex is sex. It does not determine whether or not you can parent or raise a family.
I think you missed the fact that this woman actually went through the experience of being cheated on. Only going through something like that can make someone else relate. It is not about tradition, it's about human character. This is a blog-hence opinion based w/ people taking highly subjective stands on issues.
C Street House was an example, as was the White House in the Clinton years. Hillary seems to disagree with you. Should women emulate her example, and not take your advice?
Any woman that marries a man like that is either simply stupid or mostly out for money. If she's out for money she really shouldn't mind so much anyway because that's what attracted her to him in the first place. In this case she still has access to all his money and possessions, and still has her powerful man to "make her look good". If she is stupid well then it's rough surely but in those cases you hope the woman learns from the experience and doesn't make the same mistake again. Unfortunately that is rarely the case since she was most likely attracted to his power and his status rather than the person. So the cycle starts over again in many instances.
Cheaters and liars are cheaters and liars. They don't need to be tolerated. They don't need to be "understoo
Apologists will think that there is more to it than that but, bottom line, either you have integrity or you do not. If you cheat and lie then you are not trustworthy and whoever is dealing with that should defend themselves and get away from it... That includes the electorate jettisoning politicians who have compromised their integrity with sexual affairs. If you cheat and lie to your spouse then you are cheating and lying to all of us and it is especially so when you are a politician
Adultery is a betrayal of one's spouse, they have every right to feel angry / bitter / depressed over this as it hurts on many levels as it is a SPIRITUAL denial of the marriage vows. This is why it is written that "The two flesh become one" in the new testament; see Mark 10 verses 6 through 9.
Thanks for Bible verse references.
Just to be clear, do you also advocate capital punishment for adulterers as in Deuteronomy 22:22, Leviticus 20:10 and defining divorce and remarriage as adultery, in the same chapter of Mark that you quote, as well as in Matthew and Luke? Matthew 19:9, Mark 10:11, Mark 10:12, Luke 16:18 .
she found a reason to forgive him, only to find out that reason was based on something that was either misrepresented or misunderstood. humans are multi-factorial.
It concerns me that our society works so hard to hide the undeniable fact that men and women are very, very different when it comes to sex and romantic attachment.
This is not to say that all men are alike or that all women are alike. It is to say that for very understandable biological reasons, most men as they age have strong sexual attractions to younger women. If they are given an invitation by one of these younger women, only strong social conditioning that places the partnership of marriage and our collective rules about "love" above physiological desire will prevent the crime. It's also understandable that the more power the man holds in his society, the more likely he is to get the green light from the younger woman. There are countless examples of this reproductive dance played out in nature every day.
Some months back a wise blogger on this site said that the only thing that really prevents infidelity is an overwhelming desire not to hurt the other person. Certainly no one has deserved that level of devotion more than Elizabeth Edwards.
I agree totally with what you said. If people have been together a long time, there is the shared past to be considered, and whether or not it is worth it risk a long-time good relationship for a roll in the hay.
I fear it is far more complicated than that for Elizabeth Edwards, though, because of the state of her health. That is what makes John's betrayal so awful. She not only has to deal with her illness and his dishonesty, but has to worry about the calibre of woman who is likely to be her young children's stepmother.
My heart breaks for her. She should be taking care of self these days rather than suffering through the betrayals of a cruel and heartless husband.
I think its true that men and women have many differences but when it comes to infidelity within a marriage these differences don't come into play. Cheating on your spouse crosses a line that often can't always be fixed. First of all let me say I'm a devout Roman Catholic that follows the teachings of the Church. I believe that cheating on your spouse can be legitimate grounds for divorce if certain conditions are met. These conditions include the cheater willfully cheated and is not willing or able to understand how serious the act of cheating is. Most important is the person must have true and sincere regret for the act. Not regret that he was caught or that he disappointed others but regret that he did a wrong or sinned. In virtually all cases those who cheat are in denial about what they have really done . You hear lots of talk about how its not so bad or its only about sex and not love but its about a persons character at a core level. BTW I'm a male who is conservative and votes republican and I have no time for the likes of Clinton,Edwards or Mark Sanford. What's lacking in our political leaders is self sacrifice. How you treat those around you is a good predictor of how you will behave when you think nobody is looking.
Religion is one of the social pressures I was referring to above.
I have to disagree about politicians, at least about Clinton and Sanford. I believe that both of them have given of themselves over and over, and I would not label them as lacking in self sacrifice at all. As far as Edwards goes, well, I had his number at the start of the primary, and made no secret of my opinions, as anyone who's been around here that long can tell you. He's extremely weak.
I agree with you that the Edwards, Clintons and Sanfords have faced similar challenges in their marriages. I would add that they all chose to address them VERY publicly, and have chose very different ways to handle it as couples.
TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS...
I think marriage should have contracts with a fixed time, 2 years, and an option to renew if both parties agree. And, no children for during the original period of the contract.
that is great if you think that. kinda like a lease with an option to buy.. If u choose to buy respect your friend and partner
People in our culture do this anyway, just with messy divorces, acrimony, alimony and no injunction about not procreating right away. We are polygamists -- or, if you prefer, serial monogamists -- and we're very, very /bad/ at it.
Serial smerial, one diddle and it's over as far as I'm concerned. If you want to diddle, stay friggin single. No piggies for me.
Anthropologist, psychologist, and divorce statistics tell us consistently that our species is genetically hard wired for serial monogamy - we are not wired for life long relationships. Our religions (for their own purposes) have created moral/cultural expectations at odds with our evolutionary biology, and then we seem intellectually mystified by the conflicts that arise - and on which the salacious based media feast. Our problem is that our religious culture has spent the last 5000 years trying fit religious philosophy's square peg into the round hole of our evolutionary biological identity. Our marriage legal frame work only reflects the Middle Age culture's needs for the practical needs of property transactions and inheritance. You might think that child rearing should be included therein, but in reality both our ancestors and even current primitive cultures use communal child rearing practices to accomplish child rearing as functionally as marriage does - often more functionally if you consider consistency. The problem we have is that our current morals/culture are rooted in primitive ancient religious cultures, and our lives and their problems reflect the issues of a world vastly different than our ancestors. Essentially our religions have stopped human behavior from evolving the practical solutions needed by the physical and temporal challenges of our modern lives. Until our biology changes, or until we abandon rigid ancient religions, you can only expect more of the same.
Children reared by two parents fare better than by a single parent. In evolutionary terms, that means more humans whose fathers were around survived than humans whose fathers were not around.
Right-- but our lives are no longer limited to our child-rearing years.
Those stats are changing, and I strongly disagree with your assumption about the historical implications.
Economic factors, stigmatization, shame, emotional stress - those are the factors that impacted the child raised with a single parent. All of those are changing, and as a classroom teacher, I have to say that many kids do much better once their parents are relieved of the stress of an unhappy marriage.
You should read a little more carefully. The reference is to communal child rearing, where a large network of kinship relations all provide a type of parenting, as opposed to the nuclear family, which is just mom & dad and maybe grandma once in a while. The former is the original model and still the most prevalent in the rest of the world. Under the communal model, it makes little difference weather mom & dad are exclusively attached to each other. Its a better overall system.
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I wrote a hp blog on this when I encouraged brides and grooms to banish the words, "till death due us part" in wedding ceremonies.
Any marriage that lasts a lifetime is a gift but it shouldn't be an expectation. You may not be married forever but you will always co-parent which is why the modern divorce literature works out blueprints to make these transitions easier as well as helpful for all family members. A 15 year marriage is still a success when you look at context to recent data.
Look at it. I'd be curious if you think these points were addressed.
a pratical assessment of changing times. Many people used to work in the same job for a lifetime, also. But society and the economy have changed that long-erm commitment in both directions for most people, as well.
I guess sex is an evil addiction.
It should be reminded that it takes 2 and the thought that the other party is powerless or threatened an out dated notion.
The days when the charge of sexual harassment is taken lightly are over, just ask Bill O'Reily or others.
Men use power to get sex, women use sex to get power. Why would a powerful man give a casual partner power over him? To see if he can control it. It is a serious character flaw, akin to gambling. He just wants to see if he can get away with it.
"Men use power to get sex, women use sex to get power." -- You must run in some tough circles.
Another variant on this old saw is, "Men use a promise of love to get sex, women use a promise of sex to get love." Perhaps it would be more clinically correct to substitute the word "commitment" for "love." Real life relationships are more complex that that, of course -- but there's more than a little truth there imo.
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