For Those Getting Married: Banish "Till Death Do Us Part" - And You May Not Divorce

Okay all you brides and grooms getting married this September. It's time for a change. And that change is to banish the words "Till Death Do Us Part" from your wedding vows.

The words "Till Death Do Us Part" have defined how we look at marriage for generations. But in fact, they are five of the most polarizing words. "Why?" you may ask. Because if you look at the stats, almost 50 percent of you may not stay married to the person you are lovingly gazing at and with whom you're doing the horizontal tango.

Instead, there is a possibility you may get tangled in a divorce.

As a divorce expert, many have asked me why two people who loved each other, shared so much with each other, knew each other's moles and molars, witnessed the birth of children and saw each other naked both emotionally and physically, would then disintegrate into demonic behavior in break-up battles.

Well, one of the answers can be traced to those five words.

Don't you think it is unrealistic to have the expectation that love will flourish for a lifetime that now runs into our 80's and 90's? It is very hard to fulfill that promise, till death to us part, for such a long time. When a marriage lasts decades, it's a gift, but no longer the norm.

However, when people break up because they have had the expectation of forever, deep inside they feel like they failed. Casino owner Steve Wynn divorced after 30 years, Robin Williams, after almost 20. Morgan Freeman at 24 years. Why have some said that these marriages were then failures?

As a culture, I think it's time to say what a success these marriages were for lasting as long as they did and accumulating memories and milestones.

Just because you're divorced doesn't mean that you and your ex don't have a relationship. It just means that it's changed. You won't stay married, but you will always be parents to your children. You will always carry your histories.

So for those who are getting married, forget about the "Till Death Do Us Part." The term is polarizing and passé. It will always be a success if you had children that you loved or if you shared good times for however long.

In every relationship, there is always a leaver and someone who is left. The person who is left will always be more hurt and angry and will likely enlist the kids and family members into their psychodrama. The person who leaves will blame the spouse who made them want to leave. It becomes a vicious cycle.

Stephanie Coontz, one of the great sages and scholars of relationships and the author of Marriage, A History, discussed with me the delicate balance of holding on or letting go. "By having high expectations that marriage should last, we may work harder," she said. "But studies have also shown that those people who have the strongest sense that marriage is sanctified and should last forever are most likely to see it as a failure and betrayal and have more anger and disappointment."

Dr. William Donohue, the president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, argued on Fox News that the "Till Death Do Us Part" vow is unconditional and part of marriage ceremonies for that reason. "If you change it to 'As Long As Love Shall Last' it makes it conditional," he said. Meaning, that you won't try as hard.

In my experience, most people try very hard to keep the marriage together and don't break up cavalierly. But sometimes other issues invade the relationship -- drug or alcohol problems, financial irresponsibility, abuse or infidelity -- that morph it into something unrecognizable and unfulfilling. Sure, sometimes someone is a narcissist and more interested in themselves than the needs of their loved ones. Or two good people may not be good for each other.

Because divorce is an option, it also has the opportunity to make people accountable. I do believe you try harder.

September is one of the most popular months for marriage. (January is the biggest month for divorce). Hopefully, many who are getting married this month will be one of the very lucky ones, who are given one of life's greatest gifts. A marriage that lasts till your last breath. I truly hope so.

For me, my second marriage has now lasted 15 years. "Till Death Do Us Part" were not in our vows. Why has this marriage worked? Luck, compatibility, a commitment to family and each other. One big reason is that I don't feel entitled, I feel grateful. That has helped me manage expectations and not take anything for granted, which I believe is essential for long term marriages to stay alive and thrive.

What do you think will help people stay married? Every couple has their own recipe and it takes some basic ingredients and yes, a little magic.

Follow Jill Brooke on Twitter: www.twitter.com/divorcemama

Comments

[Think4myself]

Why does there have to be a time parameter at all?

I wish a standard part of marriage prep would be to go ahead and find a suitable marriage counselor that you both liked, then in lieu of a gift, some loved ones could contribute to the counselors fund.
So many married people wait until their problems are too far gone to find a 'cure' for what ails it. I know that my first round of marriage counseling brought our communication skills up quite a bit and made for a much easier time. Now we have someone we can go to when times are scary. There is a stigma about seeking counseling like your marriage is on death's door.

I've suggested the marriage counseling gift to friends about to get married and they give me a nervous tittering laugh.

[Jasmin Haviland]

As someone who tried to invoke the "till death" clause on herself to get out of a terrible situation, I could agree that perhaps "'till death do us part" isn't the best way to go about it. However, "as long as love lasts" is too easy. Love is a fleeting thing. If you live with someone for more than a couple years, there are going to be times you'll hate their dumb butts. That's not the time for divorce, it's time to regroup.
How about someone come up with a poetic way to say "as long as you keep your end of the bargain"? A marriage is over as soon as someone throws away their half of the vows (which is not to say a relationship can't survive infidelity or whatever, but it's a new marriage at that point). You shouldn't feel compelled to keep your half of the bargain when they aren't keeping theirs. Like any other contract, you break the terms, the contract is void.

[Jill Brooke - Huffpost Blogger]

What an interesting provocative addition to this debate....Really what you're talking about is the necessity to periodically renegotiate our relationships and assess what we need...Very smart...Actually, this has inspired me to write anotehr piece...

[Duffed]

till death do us part is particular to christian marriage... the vows taken by couples are particular to the couples. if a couple decides they want to keep those standard vows they can. if a couple decides they don't want to keep that in there they can do that too, it is their choice. but the idea behind marriage is to strive for that and what you propose is a serious lowering of the bar. why not just say, "so long as we find the marriage convenient and accomadating." that is extremely realistic and in no way disillusions anyone to the stats behind the "success" of marriage. while you did make some valid points the whole premise of this article is asinine. Marriage is a romantic endeavor in these times and romanticism is supposed to shoot for the ideal, but in the case that you want to be pragmatic in your vows it is in no way mandated that couples have to say, "until death...", as your 2nd time up showed... couples get to make that decision, and they do every day... there is no need to lower the romantic ideal... in fact that you would suggest that is just sad...

[dadw5boys]

WANT A HAPPY MARRIAGE ???

TURN OFF THE TV FOR A YEAR BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED AND DO NOT HAVE ONE AFTER YOUR MARRIED !

All the problems you bring into your home will be the only ones there. Comsumerism work best when you make people feel insecure and ugly. So buying this or having that will make your life better. GET THIS JUNK OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND HOME.

I know many people who do not own a TV and they are happy all the time it seems.

[ArgumentativePatti]

There's no way to get married, suffer through a divorce, and then pretend to say, "I meant to do that." There will always be the "divorced" checkbox on the forms.

[ivoteforsmartpeople]

Thirty-six years ago, at age 17, I vowed "forsaking all others" and "til death"....but did NOT include "obey" in our Methodist ceremony!

We are still here together (no longer Christian!), still "in love" and still "in lust" with each other! We have both had opportunities to stray, but didn't.... our love and respect for each other's feelings and our commitment to our children were part of what sustained our relationship.

"As long as love shall last" is a cop-out to me! Why marry at all? (oh yeah, the tax breaks!)

[SirOtter]

I believe your statistics are skewed. Fifty percent of marriages do end in divorce, as I recall, but given the prevalence among some folks to practice serial monogamy and enjoy multiple divorces, far fewer than fifty percent of married people get divorced.

I've been married 28 years. So has my brother. My parents have been married 52. Most of my extended family members are on their first spouse, as well. Many of my friends are, too. We all said 'til death us do part', and we all meant it.

[Jill Brooke - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi,
No the statistics are not skewed...But the evidence is scattered. Often married people hang out with married people and create a comforting cocoon wherer commitment is encouraged not only within the family but to the extended one you create. Real life does seep in. It is highly unusual - and fortunate - that you don't have divorced people in your orbit. Divorce means a broken dream and then the necessity to build new ones. You are lucky. The stats are what they are but people tend to socialize with people who share their realities. I would bet that if you dug deeper, at the supermarket, at the hair salon, at the gym or at work, you know divorced people. We are everywhere...Recently we had dinner at a friend's, and it struck me that of all the people at the table, we were the only ones who had divorced. However, I went to a divorced friend's party recently, and everyone there was divorced...The real issue is not whether people do but how they manage breaking up while simultaneously building a new reality to their relationship ..

[JEP57]

Getting married is SUPPOSED to be a commitment until death. If a couple stands at the alter and uses the final line "As Long As Love Shall Last'", it will sound to all the guests attending like they are throwing in an escape clause and that they aren't totally commited to the marriage. "''Til death do us part" is what the couple is supposed to strive for and not be eliminated just so if the marriage fails, they won't feel more conflict.

[malodorousgit]

So people should avoid pain and disappointment by not fully committing in the first place. It doesn't seem like a recipe for a fulfilled, engaged life. I mean, why not go all the way, and marry someone you can't stand, then you'll be happy when it all falls apart.

[babeltek]

No.

[joelaf]

"till death us do part" was a very important part of my marriage vows. After 23 years of marriage, I am now a widower of 2 years. Many of our friends have told me that my commitment to her and our marriage has now been fulfilled, and I should "move on". I interpreted that phrase to mean till BOTH our death's, and have chosen to never remarry. Approaching picking a mate as being for life helps you chose more wisely, IMHO.

[Roses]

This is a ridiculous article.

My husband and I have been married for 34 years.
We've been through some wonderful times and some very trying times. We've lived in 4 states and have a wonderful family.
However, NEVER in any of the time we have spent together have I ever thought to myself 'Gee, those words in the wedding ceremony were an oath and I therefore am setting myself up for unrealistic expectations.....this marriage is not what I thought it was going to be so I guess I'll divorce.'
We were just too busy with living and trying to be loving.

You will probably forget the actual wedding ceremony in 5 years, so don't obsess on it.

[dtghope]

In times past, love seemed to be more a verb --- to love someone --- to actively choose to value someone equal to oneself.

In recent times, love has seemed to become more and more a feeling --- to be in love. Alas, feelings are fleeting, fickle, and often lead to irrational and even self-defeating choices.

Perhaps the time has come, to treat love as a verb more again!

[WilliamBradford]

I agree completely. The rate of divorce is a direct consequence of the "feel-good" generation that is obsessed with selfish worry about whether you are happy.

Happiness, in all things, comes from doing things - and doing them as well as you can. It doesn't come in a box, it doesn't come from your spouse, and you almost certainly won't have it delivered. Happiness is a result of commitment and effort, and this process doesn't end until "death".

The marriage vows are a commitment to love - to do the best you can to create a loving relationship and to love (an action verb) someone every day. They are not a celebration of a feeling. If more people concentrated on the commitment, we would have more successful relationships and much more happiness.

[NoSandwiches]

maybe there is more of a correlation between traditional (conservative) vows and non-traditional vows? Celebrating 25 tomorrow after marrying the boy I met at age 15. No regrets.

[hershala]

We got married 34 years ago, didn't have till death us do part, didn't have obey. We did have cherish. It has worked out very well.

The idea that if you say till death us do part means you will work harder at your marriage is silly. Reciting a string of words doesn't make you do anything.

The minister who married us almost quit because he said we were going into the marriage planning a divorce. We explained to take a vow that youmight break is more dishonest than not taking the vow. We were willing to promise to cherish each other, but we were notwilling to promise something we might not deliver on. One of the things that has held us together is that we both do not believe in promising something that we might not be able to deliver. If people quit believing they could lightly promise anything with no intention of following through we would have fewer divorces. I cannot count the number of my friends who started their complaints about their spouce "I thought that he/she would change after we got married. Once we got married he/she said they would want children or even my personal favorite. He/she said once we got married they would....

On the other hand for every person that lightly promises there is a fool that wants to believe, and does.