How Important Is Cooking In Keeping the Marriage Flame Burning?

How do I spice up my married life?

Instead of consulting the Kama Sutra, I leaf through Ina Garten's Barefoot Contessa and my husband is served something hot and steamy. And really delicious. It could be a fleshy peach soaking in a bed of cinnamon and honeyed syrup for morning pancakes. A big juicy steak for dinner dripping in fragrant oil or a lamb caressed with mint leaves. Dessert can range from a decadent chocolate cake to a creamy custard dusted with soft sugar flakes.

You see. Food is sensual.

Most of us in long term marriages know that few moves we make will shock our husbands. Nor do they have to. The familiar techniques that our bodies fall into are both pleasurable and comforting. But that doesn't mean we're not daring or inventive.

What I cook each week offers far more opportunities for variety than whether I move my buns two degrees to the left. Plus the degree of pleasure my husband gets from my cooking lingers and nourishes our relationship through good times, bad times and these economically challenging times.

Although in my household, I'm the cook, other relationships may star both partners in the kitchen or just one. Either way, those aromas and tastes in creating something new and fresh can seduce people to stay at home and not leave so easily.

Which is why I don't understand why the media bombard us with so much pressure to be a tart and so little in comparison about the skills in making one

Fortunately, Nora Ephron may be changing that.

Thanks to her film, Julie & Julia, we meet couples who crave sole meuniere instead of an affair or divorce. The soul of this film is not about the dawn of a relationship or the end. It's about couples who continue to have an appetite for each other and whose vital links are the meals one shares day after day, week after week, year after year. As a result, this film stirs up food for thought on what binds relationships together.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. Women who are good cooks still have had their husbands leave them. (Though my best friend's scoundrel of an ex-husband still confesses he misses her chili). Or a woman may look at her spouse and realize their relationship is a fallen soufflé. All this is true and most likely why one writer quipped, anyone who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.

To this geography question I would respond that there can be several roads that lead to a pleasant state, not just one. Maybe a "Men-u" has a variety of options that can be served through dishes not spouses. It's finding the right blend of ingredients. And there is true power - and love - in the art of cooking.

My friend Linda Lee surmises that sex is about youth and food is about mommy which is why its charms have been undersold. It's not even about advertising dollars since sex and food are both fuel for plenty of commercials.

In young relationships, the courtships center around restaurants as in Sex and the City. But "Sex in the Suburbs," a.k.a. married life with kids, can be a rude awakening. There's the tyranny of food management, including shopping, storing, preparing and then cleaning. Suddenly you have mouths to feed who require three meals and snacks every day.

Maybe that's why Garrison Keillor once said "Sex is good but not as good as fresh sweet corn." Or Thomas Wolfe remarked how, "There is no sight on earth more appealing than the sight of a woman making dinner for someone she loves."

This is why it's useful to learn how to cook and offer variety. Now to be honest, there have been times I'm steamed at my husband while I'm washing vegetables as happens in any long term marriage. He has also said that a good meal has helped melt hard feelings. No matter the circumstances, the reward is that I always feel a sense of accomplishment after I've prepared the meal and not only my husband, but my friends and children also appreciate it.

Do you work hard on things you love or do you love the things you work hard on? It doesn't matter which way it goes.

Nora Ephron was right when she said, "Cooking is the only thing in life where if you follow the rules you are guaranteed results." What else can you say that about?

Comments

[GroovyGirl]

My husband works from home and has a stressful job. When cooking became a chore for me and we struggled with "what's for dinner tonight?" night after night, he decided to take on the cooking himself. He has found it to be quite a stress-reliever and allows him to slow down and focus on something else for awhile. He is fearless in the kitchen - most of the time working without recipes. He has come up with some fabulous meals. He challenges himself to having it ready for me when I come in from work (I work full-time). We also do the grocery shopping together and dishes after each meal. The kitchen was the last place I would have expected for us to spice up our marriage!

[shellshell]

in any truly delicious dish...love is the secret ingredient.
and when ever you are cooking from the heart loved one can taste the difference.
love always prevails and makes every dish spectacular and it the ultimate nourishment!

[joelaf]

in our marriage, my wife was the "fancy" cook, and I did the daily stuff. she worked long hours, and always was appreciative of the meal waiting for her. she is the one who taught me to cook, then she let me take it over, as her career took more of her time. hours spent in the kitchen with her are far more memorable than any sex ever was.

[VanessaKyl]

I agree that food is definitely a good way to get to a man's heart...especially when it's homemade. However, it is a good question to ask...what about those women out there that don't have the patience nor the time to cook every night? Yes, I think it would be a nice gesture on ocassion for a woman to cook a meal for her significant other, but we are living in a new time. Women now work 12 hour days and need that energy for sex or food--it would be unfair to ask for both every night... However, I like even better the idea of the husband and wife cooking TOGETHER. Wouldn't that just bring them closer together without establishing household roles? Or maybe rotating nights to cook, he makes the meal every other night?

I personally have never been skilled with cooking, cleaning, etc and think we are well passed the 50s tradition of expecting the wife to slave away in the kitchen. In fact, as women have grown a stronger presence in male roles of society, men have also become more comfortable with their "feminine side." For example, stay at home dads have become more common. Men of my generation are back to the 80s with their tight jeans and hair products. Would it be crazy to expect them to have a meal waiting on the table for their significant other and win their love as well?

[ESerafina42]

Yes, if only the little woman will keep the home fires burning and cook wonderful meals, in addition to doing all the housework AND chauffeuring the kids everywhere, DESPITE having a full-time job just like her husband, he will NEVER look at another woman.

Yes, I know there was a token nod to the idea of "both partners" participating, but in most cases that ain't gonna happen.

[JayDubs]

Some of us men are very good cooks and actually enjoy making a good meal. We just don't like to cook for people who come off as... bitter. Oh well, more for everyone else!

[tb92]

I disagree with that quote. I can follow the recipe exactly, and still get something that is only mediocre. My husband, on the other hand, can pull random bits from the cabinets and create a masterpiece. The important thing is to find SOME way of using your time and energy to express your love. There are many ways that work, just find the ones that work for you.

[joelaf]

recipes are a starting point, a beginners guide. The most memorable compliment I've gotten on my cooking was from a 60 something y/o french woman. On a trip to the beach, I brought ribs I had cooked at home, and frozen for the drive. The hostess asked how to prepare them, I said "put them in the oven at 325 and let's hit the pool". During the meal, the french woman started speaking to me, in French. I only got about 1/2 of it, but the jist was, "these ribs have earned you a place in my bed". Our friends sat, mouths open. I blushed like a little girl. Cooking retores the soul, and is 1000 times better than Vi@gra.

[leigh84]

I am a young professional living in NY and tend to dine out/order in most nights. I live with my boyfriend and we have always liked going out to restaurants for our dates. We are both foodies at heart and always found it exciting to try as many new dishes and new restaurants as we could! Recently, however, in an effort to conserve some of our funds we have started to cook at home more often. I have to say, it has been a great change for both of us. Sometimes I cook for him, sometimes he cooks for me, and sometimes we cook together. Whichever way it goes, the constant element is that we are taking the time out of our day to slow down and put some sincere thought into doing something special to please each other. When someone puts their love and their efforts into making something, just for you, to make you happy, it feels good! While I am not sure that I would go so far as to say that the way through a man's heart is through his stomach, I do believe that food can be an aphrodisiac and I certainly think that cooking for each other makes for great foreplay!

[MerrieWay]

I love it. Who cooks, anymore? Fast foods, frozen foods, junk foods all in a busy an't get it all done day. Granny had a plan to hold the man. After a hard-hats daily work, he came home exhausted, she'd feed her man and he'd fall asleep. And apparently, that was that. But, someone had to wake-up in the middle of the night or in the early morn, aroused, or how else did she have 5 kids? Hmmm, still wondering about that.

[taniabanana]

I agree with all that you say, but what happens if you can't cook?!

[goodgravy]

if you can download something from itunes to your pod u can buy a cook book and make a meal.

[ahuffreader]

Carry-out, silly!

[Gbear]

Didnt u see Ratatoullie? Anyone can cook!!!!!

[hershala]

Been married 34 years. Sex is fantastic but good cooking, kindness, and paying attention to each other is the warm steady flame that allows for the flare-ups of passion that are so lovely.
Certainly, cooking well is part of a nurturing relationship both genders can cook and it makes a life of a lot more fun than ordering out in my opinion. However dishes are the pits.

[oldgeek1]

How important is ordering out or making reservations in keeping the flame burning :)

[Diamondpro]

Cooking can become a duty or even chore but, it is always and expression of love. Most spouses have a favorite dish and cooking that dish can bring a sense of comfort and home. Above all, it is sharing meals together that keeps you connected. Now, I must go cook dinner!

[MrsDumont]

I agree with you. My grandmother has always reminded me that the way to a man's heart is not only through stimulating him physically but to be able to through down in the kitchen (that means cook really good). After almost 20 years of marriage and exploring many solutions to keeping our relationship hot, I found that arousing his taste buds works best.

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