Is Infidelity a Reason for Divorce?
It's easy for many women to say, "I'd dump the bastard," until it actually happens to them. Many women across America are faced with unfaithful husbands during the course of a marriage and weigh the pros and cons of divorce.
What are the odds of Silda staying with Elliot Mess? Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, says her study reveals that only 35 percent of marriages can thrive after infidelity and that more than half of all marriages have had one person commit adultery.
Why do people stay? A fear of loneliness. A fear of change. A dread of dismantling a family that you spent a lifetime constructing and having your children ping pong between two residences during holidays. There's also a comfort in the rhythm of family life, the carpooling, the grocery shopping for more than one, the weekday nights eating at the oak table with your old wedding china.
Maybe Silda Spitzer could ask Hillary Clinton for advice. Though I believe their circumstances are different. Hillary knew who she was married to and cares more about Bill's intellectual prowess than his proclivity in prowling for others. The Clintons had their own arrangement. What bothered Hillary was that it wasn't her secret anymore.
Silda by all accounts was as stunned by the news that her emperor had no clothes on after calling "The Emperor's Club" as everyone else.
The debate over Gov. Spitzer's tryst is being drawn along gender lines. Many of my male friends think the sin was the hypocrisy of prosecuting prostitutes when using one. Some have pointed out that because he used a prostitute, he was actually more thoughtful in his philandering because it was just about sex and there were no emotions involved.
Isn't it better to have an affair with a prostitute vs. a friend, secretary or aerobics teacher, they argue. To which I reply, "That's like saying he didn't eat the forbidden fruit but instead only had a "whore d'oeuvre." How about not having an affair at all?"
Some of my girlfriends are wishing that Silda had listened more to Carrie Underwood's song, "Before He Cheats" and cheated her husband of having the loyal wife standing by his side to endure public humiliation and scrutiny. But I also know that marriages are complicated and people can also have very bad moments in them.
"Even men in very good marriages have had affairs because their marriages have evolved into partnerships and friendships," says Dr. Eaker Weil. "Others use extramarital sex as a way to relieve some stress without emotional connection." Eaker Weil is quick to point out that she is not justifying infidelity but explaining it.
The power of forgiveness and working to repair a shattered relationship is a daunting task. I would bet that Chelsea Clinton is still happy her parents are sharing Christmas as an intact family years later. It is up to Silda Spitzer to make her own choices for her and her family. I have seen many families weather these turbulent times and others who have divorced over the infidelity. Either scenario leaves permanent scars.
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It's the sex that's confusing everyone.
If Elliot Spitzer had been caught renting a hotel room in order to do big rails of coke all night long, and had been practicing the secretive behavior for a decade and spent tens of thousands of dollar on it... I think we would see this whole thing for what it is--
An addiction.
JUST A GEntle question; for every unfaithful male, there has to be a corresponding unfaithful femaile. i seem to recall a study where a significant portion of the children in marriages were not fathered by the legal husband. biology is a big factor here it seems - women want to mate with testosterone alpha male face types, but bond with more oxytocin not so alpha types. hypocrisy, no biology. morality is the last issue; ethics yes and the protection of the children yes yes yes. there is much to learn and we could humble ourselves in our ignorance. peter h. dohan
You have to feel for Silda. Her husband's a public cheat, the hooker's photos are on the internet, she and her children have to endure social fallout, etc. But also, everyone's second guessing her marriage. Will she do the sensible thing and dump him? Or, will she tough it out for the sake of love, kids, etc.? Easy to see her catching flak either way.
I think that prostitution should be legalized but I don't believe that sex is ever emotion free; if my wife was having "meaningless" romps with some 20-year-old, I'd be gone. I also believe in true love. So, if I ever get married again, I'll just have to give up those $1,000 per hour escorts.
Cheating? Well what is that? Being more in love with another than you are with your spouse? finding sexual relief with someone and no more? Finding an outlet for sexual practices your spouse is unwilling to engage in? Having a sexual appetite larger than that of your spouse. Some consider simple flirting as an act of cheating.
A lot depends on age. Couples who have been together a long time have built a life together and more likely than not have a family they have raised together. They have come to know and understand each other. They have probably been through family crisis together involving death or illness or children that has created a strong bond that makes the marriage more resilient. Couple who have been together a long time have probably forgiven each other many times over - and perhaps for transgressions far worse. They are less likely to throw in the towel than younger couples who have nothing yet to fall back on.
In the long run it's none of my business, unless it's my marriage.
Your reasons for staying married to your husband left out the most important one, love. If you truly love someone, you can forgive them. By forgiving them you are relieved of the burden of anger. Why is it so difficult to believe that someone can love someone who cheated on them and work with their husband to rebuild their marriage. Forgiveness is real.
Let us not use words, er, uh, promiscuously. Unless the majority of these commenters really mean to assert that "infidelity" is something that can be charged by an outside party, then it is presumptuous to use the word. I suggest that the right to use that word rests solely with Silda Spitzer. She is the only one who is privy to the stipulations of the marriage. She is the only one who knows.
Perhaps even more promiscuous is to suggest that Spitzer "had an affair." Clients of prostitutes generally do not develop even transient attachments to the sex workers they hire; prostitutes, by the nature of their work, generally eschew continuing contact with a client who displays emotional attachment
Spitzer's enemies are reveling at the damage Spitzer is suffering. Silda Spitzer is getting a lot of advice worth exactly what it cost and a lot of what passes for sympathy given only a cursory inspection. It is the Spitzer children, however, who are unquestionably most injured. I'll wager they are able to reconcile their father's behavior long before that of his enemies.
I think that forgiveness has its limits...b
That is what cheaters also realize...
We live in a egotistical culture.
Marriage is about being able to put another's feelings first, putting the family and love before lust, selfishnes
I don't see the big deal about this.
So what!
Men have been doing this since time began
It depends on the marriage. If the two people involved can agree to work through it then fine, but if one is not willing then get out.
Although, I would recommend you end a really troubled marriage before it get's to that point. It's better for kids to be from a broken home, than to live in one.
As a man, I would unequivocally say yes. If you're dissatisfied with your marriage
get out, but be man enough to take care of your responsibilities. If I were married,
and my wife cheated on me, I would end the marriage. It would be the utmost in
hypocrisy not to expect her to do the same.
You would not belive the number of married people who live with other people but still share a home and bills with thier legal spouse.
I know of about 25 such couples who have such deep financial commitment getting a divorce would cost too much so they live like ships passing in the night only to make the payments and keep up appearence for the family's, church and thier jobs.
On any post about adultery, everyone who wants to comment should first be required to read and sign off on a brief explanation of projection.
In a word, yes!!!
"Many of my male friends think the sin was the hypocrisy of prosecuting prostitutes when using one." He prosecuted prostitutes because it was a part of his job. Should every cop that busts prostitutes but has used the service of one resign? How about every cop that has busted people using marijuana, driving under the influence or speeding while indulging in this behavior themselves, should they be forced to resign? This is what happens when we allow a bunch of religious zealots to put "morality" laws into affect. What we need in this country more than freedom of religion, is freedom from religion.
"Should every cop that busts prostitutes but has used the service of one resign?"
Yes.
My husband and I have had many discussions about this, he says it is the "mystery" f**k, the excitement of someone new and the opportunity to do so. Also, oral sex is a big motivator if the spouse is not willing, and I would even add anal sex to that, I know, this is overshare, but let's be serious. How many spouses are meeting the other spouses needs? We have been married 26 years, and still make sure satisfy each other's desires within reason. Also, there are a lot of women out there cheating on the guys, so it works both ways. I say anyone who is lucky enough to stay married and not have a cheating spouse is rare and precious gift. Finally, I would be willing to bet many posting outrage don't know what is going on in their own back yard.
What is so precious about it???????
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