Is Infidelity a Reason for Divorce?

It's easy for many women to say, "I'd dump the bastard," until it actually happens to them. Many women across America are faced with unfaithful husbands during the course of a marriage and weigh the pros and cons of divorce.

What are the odds of Silda staying with Elliot Mess? Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, says her study reveals that only 35 percent of marriages can thrive after infidelity and that more than half of all marriages have had one person commit adultery.

Why do people stay? A fear of loneliness. A fear of change. A dread of dismantling a family that you spent a lifetime constructing and having your children ping pong between two residences during holidays. There's also a comfort in the rhythm of family life, the carpooling, the grocery shopping for more than one, the weekday nights eating at the oak table with your old wedding china.

Maybe Silda Spitzer could ask Hillary Clinton for advice. Though I believe their circumstances are different. Hillary knew who she was married to and cares more about Bill's intellectual prowess than his proclivity in prowling for others. The Clintons had their own arrangement. What bothered Hillary was that it wasn't her secret anymore.

Silda by all accounts was as stunned by the news that her emperor had no clothes on after calling "The Emperor's Club" as everyone else.

The debate over Gov. Spitzer's tryst is being drawn along gender lines. Many of my male friends think the sin was the hypocrisy of prosecuting prostitutes when using one. Some have pointed out that because he used a prostitute, he was actually more thoughtful in his philandering because it was just about sex and there were no emotions involved.

Isn't it better to have an affair with a prostitute vs. a friend, secretary or aerobics teacher, they argue. To which I reply, "That's like saying he didn't eat the forbidden fruit but instead only had a "whore d'oeuvre." How about not having an affair at all?"

Some of my girlfriends are wishing that Silda had listened more to Carrie Underwood's song, "Before He Cheats" and cheated her husband of having the loyal wife standing by his side to endure public humiliation and scrutiny. But I also know that marriages are complicated and people can also have very bad moments in them.

"Even men in very good marriages have had affairs because their marriages have evolved into partnerships and friendships," says Dr. Eaker Weil. "Others use extramarital sex as a way to relieve some stress without emotional connection." Eaker Weil is quick to point out that she is not justifying infidelity but explaining it.

The power of forgiveness and working to repair a shattered relationship is a daunting task. I would bet that Chelsea Clinton is still happy her parents are sharing Christmas as an intact family years later. It is up to Silda Spitzer to make her own choices for her and her family. I have seen many families weather these turbulent times and others who have divorced over the infidelity. Either scenario leaves permanent scars.

Comments

[everythingelse]

It's the sex that's confusing everyone.

If Elliot Spitzer had been caught renting a hotel room in order to do big rails of coke all night long, and had been practicing the secretive behavior for a decade and spent tens of thousands of dollar on it... I think we would see this whole thing for what it is--

An addiction.

[pdohan]

JUST A GEntle question; for every unfaithful male, there has to be a corresponding unfaithful femaile. i seem to recall a study where a significant portion of the children in marriages were not fathered by the legal husband. biology is a big factor here it seems - women want to mate with testosterone alpha male face types, but bond with more oxytocin not so alpha types. hypocrisy, no biology. morality is the last issue; ethics yes and the protection of the children yes yes yes. there is much to learn and we could humble ourselves in our ignorance. peter h. dohan

[cobrafarmer]

You have to feel for Silda. Her husband's a public cheat, the hooker's photos are on the internet, she and her children have to endure social fallout, etc. But also, everyone's second guessing her marriage. Will she do the sensible thing and dump him? Or, will she tough it out for the sake of love, kids, etc.? Easy to see her catching flak either way.

I think that prostitution should be legalized but I don't believe that sex is ever emotion free; if my wife was having "meaningless" romps with some 20-year-old, I'd be gone. I also believe in true love. So, if I ever get married again, I'll just have to give up those $1,000 per hour escorts.

[jtshp]

Cheating? Well what is that? Being more in love with another than you are with your spouse? finding sexual relief with someone and no more? Finding an outlet for sexual practices your spouse is unwilling to engage in? Having a sexual appetite larger than that of your spouse. Some consider simple flirting as an act of cheating.

A lot depends on age. Couples who have been together a long time have built a life together and more likely than not have a family they have raised together. They have come to know and understand each other. They have probably been through family crisis together involving death or illness or children that has created a strong bond that makes the marriage more resilient. Couple who have been together a long time have probably forgiven each other many times over - and perhaps for transgressions far worse. They are less likely to throw in the towel than younger couples who have nothing yet to fall back on.

In the long run it's none of my business, unless it's my marriage.

[saami]

Your reasons for staying married to your husband left out the most important one, love. If you truly love someone, you can forgive them. By forgiving them you are relieved of the burden of anger. Why is it so difficult to believe that someone can love someone who cheated on them and work with their husband to rebuild their marriage. Forgiveness is real.

[ignrnthllblly]

Let us not use words, er, uh, promiscuously. Unless the majority of these commenters really mean to assert that "infidelity" is something that can be charged by an outside party, then it is presumptuous to use the word. I suggest that the right to use that word rests solely with Silda Spitzer. She is the only one who is privy to the stipulations of the marriage. She is the only one who knows.

Perhaps even more promiscuous is to suggest that Spitzer "had an affair." Clients of prostitutes generally do not develop even transient attachments to the sex workers they hire; prostitutes, by the nature of their work, generally eschew continuing contact with a client who displays emotional attachment--i.e., they're considered trouble; if not downright delusional. As "affair" has become sloppy euphemism when referring to the increasingly socially-acceptable idea of the one-night stand, it more and more frequently is mis-applied to a paid sexual liasion of brief duration. To in any way equate the two is to willfully misunderstand the true dynamic of what transpired.

Spitzer's enemies are reveling at the damage Spitzer is suffering. Silda Spitzer is getting a lot of advice worth exactly what it cost and a lot of what passes for sympathy given only a cursory inspection. It is the Spitzer children, however, who are unquestionably most injured. I'll wager they are able to reconcile their father's behavior long before that of his enemies.

[ndem]

I think that forgiveness has its limits...but even more, when one loses respect for the person one has loved...it is difficult to ever recapture anything close to what made the person fall in love with the man who has cheated. You can try, go to therapy etc etc...but the fact is...the beauty of the relationship will never again be intact.

That is what cheaters also realize...too late.

We live in a egotistical culture.

Marriage is about being able to put another's feelings first, putting the family and love before lust, selfishness...

[Lisette]

I don't see the big deal about this.
So what!
Men have been doing this since time began

[Silpat]

It depends on the marriage. If the two people involved can agree to work through it then fine, but if one is not willing then get out.

Although, I would recommend you end a really troubled marriage before it get's to that point. It's better for kids to be from a broken home, than to live in one.

[newshawk14]

As a man, I would unequivocally say yes. If you're dissatisfied with your marriage
get out, but be man enough to take care of your responsibilities. If I were married,
and my wife cheated on me, I would end the marriage. It would be the utmost in
hypocrisy not to expect her to do the same.

[dadw5boys]

You would not belive the number of married people who live with other people but still share a home and bills with thier legal spouse.

I know of about 25 such couples who have such deep financial commitment getting a divorce would cost too much so they live like ships passing in the night only to make the payments and keep up appearence for the family's, church and thier jobs.

[LeoMarvin]

On any post about adultery, everyone who wants to comment should first be required to read and sign off on a brief explanation of projection.

[racom]

In a word, yes!!!

[BushisLiar]

"Many of my male friends think the sin was the hypocrisy of prosecuting prostitutes when using one." He prosecuted prostitutes because it was a part of his job. Should every cop that busts prostitutes but has used the service of one resign? How about every cop that has busted people using marijuana, driving under the influence or speeding while indulging in this behavior themselves, should they be forced to resign? This is what happens when we allow a bunch of religious zealots to put "morality" laws into affect. What we need in this country more than freedom of religion, is freedom from religion.

[colleen2]

"Should every cop that busts prostitutes but has used the service of one resign?"

Yes.

[IndependentMeans]

My husband and I have had many discussions about this, he says it is the "mystery" f**k, the excitement of someone new and the opportunity to do so. Also, oral sex is a big motivator if the spouse is not willing, and I would even add anal sex to that, I know, this is overshare, but let's be serious. How many spouses are meeting the other spouses needs? We have been married 26 years, and still make sure satisfy each other's desires within reason. Also, there are a lot of women out there cheating on the guys, so it works both ways. I say anyone who is lucky enough to stay married and not have a cheating spouse is rare and precious gift. Finally, I would be willing to bet many posting outrage don't know what is going on in their own back yard.

[dadw5boys]

What is so precious about it???????

[pigsatthetrough]

Just a little of topic, but Is this an example of one those marriages that would be at risk if gays are allowed to marry? The preachers and the sanctimonious always seem to fall the hardest. It was a sad affair, watching his wife at the news conference. Too bad she didn't kick him, you know where, while she was on that podium.

[sheen7334]

You are not even scratching the surface. The Governor did it because he could. And because it was illicit. And because he could dictate the terms of the sex. Where, when, how. And because he deserved it. He needed the outlet. He took care of everyone and everything. Now it was his turn. And it was secret and illicit and that heightened the thrill and the pleasure. High rollers, people with wealth and power, this is what they did. And he had finally arrived, after all that striving. And because he could.

[anelder]

Don't see how anyone could challenge that.
I couldn't help myself is another one. What - did you trip and land wrong.
With four sons and a number of grandsons I've had many conversations on this subject. It usually came after the session on urges. The clincher normally is when I ask them to compare the urge with the one to vomit or to pee. How then do they rate it?

[John]

He did it because he could. That is about the most accurate statement regarding this situation I've heard. And yet, in spite of the simplicity of this truth, most will not accept it, and most will not find it a sufficient explanation. This is especially true for women. There will undoubtedly be a whole host of psychobabling explanations offered as to the deep and complex inner forces that drove Spitzer to this horrific act. When all of us (men at least) know deep down that he did it because he could.

[colleen2]

Most women know he did it because he could. He could have given the woman he's married to AIDS "because he could", also. She could now divorce him because she can now too. See how simple that is?
He did it because he thought he could get away with breaking the law. He did it because he believed he was above the law and that he would not be held accountable.
Your reasoning about the law resembles that of a rapist or child molester.

[YankeeCanuck]

Horrific act? Heck, did he chop someone up? Boil their puppy?
Sheen's got it about right-- because he could. That's part of the explanation Ed Koch gave, and he characterised it in a very humanistic way.
What happens in the family is private, and no amount of discussion can change that.
It's just intrusive.

[HeadScratcher]

It's the power of giving in to weakness. It's the perverse thrill of perhaps getting caught. In Spitzer's case it appears that there might have been some abnormal activity going on that he had to play out and couldn't with his wife.

[John]

My point is that, given the opportunities that men in power have, the vast majority of all males of the human species would partake in 'some abnormal activity going on that he had to play out and couldn't with his wife'. The others are either lying to themselves, or are lucky enough to have one of those rare wives that hasn't been sexually repressed by our f'ed up society's twisted attitudes towards sex (as both a sellable commodity, and dirty sin). It also helps if your wife hasn't put on the 'American 100' in the course of married life.

Yes, I know. I'm a sexist pig. F' off.

[rwferr]

Most marriages become sexless ones eventually and I would say its rarely the man's fault. Prostittuion should be totally legal and acceptable. The crime her is the fact that there is a crime. This guy should be able to call a prostitute like ordering a pizza and so should his wife. The real question is not why so many men feel the need the question is why so many women don't.

[GeorgeKaplan]

Maybe the wife loves her husband. Why she stood at his side is personal as is their marriage. Spizter and the prostitutes are the publics business. The constant obsession as to why the wives stand at their husbands side when they fall in disgrace is not really that important. I would guess they are in shock. What I find is strange is after the women are abused by their husbands the public chimes in to add disgrace to to the wife by questioning her judgment. It's hard to do your personal business in public. I say leave the wives of these dogs alone.

Love is strange.

[chendri887]

Events like this definitely bring out everyone "projection meters." Just from listening to people talk about this in the MSM, and reading through responses on the web, it should be clear that the way we view Spitzer's actions depends on our own experiences and value systems. I don't think it's fair to characterize all men as cheaters, or all powerful men as cheaters, or to characterize all women who stay with men who cheat as weak, or vice-versa, if women are the ones doing the cheating. Heck, I'm a guy, and I've been cheated on by women I've dated. I've also had other guy friends cheated on by their women partners. It really depends, I think, on a complex web of childhood experiences, biological sex drive, cultural assumptions, generational assumptions, and a whole list of intangibles that differ in every relationship.

[riverroad]

I don't think it's realistic to expect sexual faithfulness from a man. I was once an attractive young woman and amused myself for a time checking out married v. unmarried men. What I found was that, for the men in my study, it made no difference whether they were married or single. They were equally eager for sex with attractive young women regardless of their marital status. According to my observation--and experience is the best teacher--men are utterly promiscuous.

When it comes to divorcing or not divorcing a husband, each woman has a right to make up her own mind. While women who are featured in the media enjoy good salaries and benefits, most women in the real world have to support children and are paid less and receive lesser benefits than men. What this means is that many mothers, in particular, do not have the luxury of divorcing a man who may be helping to pay the rent.

The economic motive is extremely important in explaining why women may stay in a marriage that may not measure up to the standards of outside observers. Another factor that some do not take into account is that many women are not nearly as enthusiastic about penile insertion as are many men. For any who doubt this, consider the universality of the demurer, "Not tonight, dear. I've got a headache." In marriages of this type, the wife may welcome the husband's shifting his sexual attentions to someone else.

In the case of Hillary Clinton, she and Bill give every appearance of being partners who enjoy each other's company. She undoubtedly realized long ago, way before Monica Lewinsky, that Bill was quite promiscuous. She is wealthy on her own and doesn't really need Bill's money. My guess--and I could be right or wrong--is that she wants to remain married to him and really doesn't care about his sexual behavior with other women. I don't happen to like Hillary--she supports men's wars--but I respect her enough as a woman to assert that her marriage to Bill is her own private business.

[HeadScratcher]

'...men are utterly promiscuous.'

Excuse me????

A whole lot of us have character, conviction, and self control.

[pooka]

You are absolutely right, HeadScratcher! There are many wonderful men out there.

[PioneerKing]

Gee, infidelity didn't change Hillary's mind. As a matter of fact Hillary benefited greatly, she and Bill are once again headed to the White House and another group of young dewy eyed interns have much to look forward to.

[lungfish]

"Is infidelity a reason for divorce?'
Short answer, yes.
Cheaters and liars are cheaters and liars.
If we lower the bar and say that certain acts of cheating and lying are ok
while we condemn other slimey acts then we are on a slippery slope.
I read an article awhile back describing four different kinds of denial and
all of them allow the perpetrator to get away with their egregious behavior.
I suggest that Hillary or Mrs. Spitzer, like most spouses that find themselves in this
situation, is in denial rather than engaging the outrage and humiliation that
is being heaped upon her.
Bill or Eliot, like most cheaters and liars, has to learn his own lesson and it won't
help (and its patently unfair) to expect the victim to learn it for him.

[LRM216]

If infidelity is not grounds for divorce, then what the hell is, short of ,God forbid, child molestation?

[avicenna]

So many assumptions... so little fact. Hillary is with Bill because of his "intellectual prowess?" Chelsea is happy during Christmas? What about the rest of the year? Why do women stay with cheaters? Most often it has to do with a) financial, social or professional status, and b) personal identity. In many "traditional" marriages - women have taken on a great deal of their spouse's identity (hence the name change) and in the process, given up a part of their own. For Hillary, call me cynical, but it looks pretty clear she had her eyes set on greater political ambition which would she saw as being fascilitated by Bill's guilt-ridden aid and support. I acknowledge that I'm being as presumptive as Brooke, but also think it is a tad more realistic. I hope that Silda has enough support and courage to leave the self-serving oaf - if she so decides.

[Sir681]

Have you ever thought that she may have stayed with him because she wanted to keep her marriage? Maybe, just maybe, that the words "for better or for worse" actually meant something to her. That fact that one party breaks a vow doesn't mean that the other also has to. Therefore, when the vow "to love, honour and obey" is broken, divorce is the next step.

[avicenna]

No. The whole point of marriage is your loyalty to one person. If you can't or don't want to commit to one person, you don't want to be married. Simple. Infidelity (and let's be honest, Monica wasn't the first in Bill's case) is a deal breaker - not only does it break the fundamental basis of marriage, it puts the wife's health in peril through transmission of sexually transmitted diseases. Hillary always had her eyes on the prize, and as a woman, that kind of public humiliation is not conducive to love or marriage - but ambition certainly is. To be the first woman president is the biggest reason to stay with a strayer.

[dadw5boys]

The whole point of marrage is to have kids. All the other stuff is an invention of women.