The Myth That Time Heals All Wounds

It is a myth that time heals all wounds. Any anniversary of a loved one's death becomes a crowbar in the calendar that reopens those wounds again. What is more accurate to say is that the loss of someone you love creates a permanent hole in your heart that never goes away. But you can build and fortify the muscle around it by focusing on what you still have, what is possible for you and ways you can integrate the memory of your loved one in your life.

Most people suffer these milestones in silence, with few of their friends or colleagues knowing the significance of the anniversary. The people who were robbed of their loved ones on September 11th do have one advantage. All of us know that today is a difficult day for them. The brother of my husband's assistant Tara Butzbaugh was killed six years ago and today her office not only gave her the day off but showered her with comforting hugs and acknowledgments. I will contact my friend Christy Ferer whose husband died, as well as two others I know whose families were forever impacted by those terrorist thugs.

How do you comfort someone on the anniversary of their loved one's death? Hopefully readers will share their strategies. I know that in the research for my book, Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life, there were a few solutions that I found very helpful.

First, ask your friend or colleague to tell you a story about their loved one. A simple, "What do you miss most about Danny?" or "What did you love about Franny?" allows the memories to tumble out which can be not only cleansing but healing. An alternative is just to acknowledge that this is a hard day for the person. Carol, whose son died, told me, "There are only a few friends who do phone but it is one of the greatest acts of kindness. I don't feel so alone."

If you knew the person who has died, call the parent, the sister, the brother, the friend, and mention a trait about them that you remember fondly. It can be anything from "I just thought about Susan and how she always made strawberry birthday cakes for everyone" to recalling how Paul was so cautious that he would drive 40 mph in a 55 mph highway. This brings laughs instead of tears.

Another strategy I have found helpful is to do something that day that the person enjoyed, whether it's reading a mystery novel, gardening, biking or taking a hike in the woods. By consciously recognizing that your loved one has left an imprint on you, it helps make them feel closer to you. No one that we have ever loved can totally disappear from our lives since their presence is felt in our gestures, our mannerisms, our beliefs and our interests. Connect to that.

On the anniversary of my father's death I try to cook something he loved. Dare I say it is Austrian goulash and smelly cheeses that I hated as a kid but nonetheless those aromas now fill me with pleasure and remembrance. A friend now bikes on the trails her husband once followed and she feels he is nearby as the wind brushes against her face.

Another friend's mother was an avid gardener and now she either reads a gardening book on the anniversary or tends to the garden she created in her own home that is filled with flowers her mother loved. Caring about what they cared about provides a needed link -- especially on this day.

Hopefully someone will also remind them that so much focus has centered around the pain of loss that little has been written about the growth that comes from it. According to a Harvard professor I interviewed, those who have early loses are three times as likely to be achievers. Scratch the surface of most charities or social movements and you'll discover that they were started by someone who wanted to right a wrong and turned their sense of helplessness into the need of being helpful. Loss also compels us to throw a lariat of love around our family and friends and appreciate more fully the precious times spent together. Those of us who have suffered loses know that the present is indeed a present. Life is to be savored.

Many people will gather with their families this week so collectively they can all grieve together as well as share stories about the loved one. Which is so important. Once we talk about them, these silent anniversaries of the heart, as poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow called them, are no longer secret but become honored reminiscence that provide pleasure as well as the necessary pain. And the pain is not to be ignored. It can inspire. After all, grief just means you loved someone. It should be acknowledged for what it is and what it always will be -- especially on any anniversary.

Comments

[Henny]

Thanks Jill..well put and comforting.

Something that helped me then and stays with me now is this, the amount of grief one feels is in direct proportion to the amount of love one felt..from C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed.

My nephew who was five on 9/11/01 and had gone on the Circle Line around New York City on 9/9/01 with his dad who pointed up to the World Trade Center towers and said that is where daddy works...and so on that fateful day, just two days later..he knew. Yesterday, six years later, he told his mom how he figured out how many minutes he spent with his dad while he was alive and then how many minutes it's been since he's lived without him..these are the thoughts and the heart of a child left behind.

[TrenchCoat]

The pause to reflect on loved ones' lives provides a moment to take stock of what's really important -- a reminder to appreciate those around you, moments of everyday beauty. Thank you for your post, Jill.

[Karen Maezen Miller]

Of course time heals all wounds. Except when you use your time to reimagine old wounds.

[Henny]

you sound angry, judgemental and like you lake empathy. Are you saying that by re-imagining old wounds (many images of which are forced by the nature of the tragedy of 9-11)we are deciding not to heal rather than honoring the memory of someone we loved deeply?

[arvo]

I always thought that quote meant that life is temporal, and that we too shall die, and our grief with us.

[dadw5boys]

I saw it as telling me to be forgiving so that anger would not fill my life and I could have good relationship with all people.

[dadw5boys]

Samuel Clements said it best I think about living.
"Strive to live your life in such a manner that upon your passing even the undertaker will cry."
Guess you would have to forgive and forget a lot to reach that level in your life.

[ParacleteofKavorka]

I have always been amazed at seeing holocaust survivors being interviewed on TV. They seem remarkably well and at peace even when talking about what they went through. The same with Japanese survivors of the A bombs and Iraqis who were tortured by Saddam. I would expect them to be angry, bitter, vindictive and damaged but they are not. What about smiling African children living in mud huts? How can they ever be happy? Then look at the miserable, wretched faces of Americans shopping at the mall.

[bethinCary]

In this case maybe John Lennon said it best:

"Time wounds all heals".

[STCC1973]

http://www.dianetics.org

[RHR]

Jill:
Thanks for your entry here. Perhaps I should take a look at your book.

This coming Thanksgiving Day will be a decade since my Mom died. Anyone who thinks the terminally ill can't control the date range of their own passing should know that this was the single holiday our family gathered for and it was sad, though somehow fitting, that she chose that day.

I think of her, miss her, and sometimes cry for her daily. I have used some of the techniques you suggest here, but I can't seem to get away from the rawness of it.

I am also practically her twin: we speak alike, look alike and more. Friends and relatives sometimes call me to get a "fix" of her character. Some days I truly appreciate the idea that her likeness has carried on through me, and other days it's just a painful reminder that I can't live up to her memory.

My life is not focused around her memory. I continue to do things that she taught me (and that we enjoyed together) like cooking and gardening, and I honor her memory and embrace her while doing them.

It's still sad. I have had plenty of counseling, but I must say that time does not heal all wounds.

[bethinCary]

Maybe time does not heal all wounds.

Maybe it's correcting and learning from the mistakes that you make by not making them again.

[SensibleAmerican]

"All wounds" is a sweeping generalization in any case and definitely does not apply to a self inflicted wound!

Nevertheless, ALMOST all wounds heal, the pain goes away albeit the scar remains

[FearlessFreep]

"The past is never dead. It's not even past"--William Faulkner