This time of year, everywhere we look, we're encouraged to make a list, check it twice. Whether it's for things we want or to tally the things about ourselves we resolve to change, The List is an end-of-year staple.
But when it comes to our love lives, the idea of The List is full of negative connotations. We're told love is blind, seduced by "Our eyes met, and we just knew" tales and enchanted by the idea that looking for Mr. Right is like unearthing a treasure fit for a princess. The idea of itemizing qualities in a person we find attractive gives off the impression that dating is somehow mechanical, women are too picky, or that we've lost our faith in romance. Well, I'm here to bring back The List, sing its praises, share mine, and The Lists of my closest male friends (wouldn't you like to see what men are looking for in women?).
In most areas of my life, I've played by the rules. But when it comes to dating, I find myself time and time again taking risks with reckless men. More often than not, they are what my friends call "Off the grid guys" -- good-looking, edgy men who never work a 9 to 5, live off charm and swagger, tend to be nomadic, are wildly unpredictable, and fixtures of the local nightlife scene.
In an attempt to break the cycle, one of my single friends -- who's beautiful, smart, hilarious, and an extremely savvy and successful businesswoman -- decided that it was time I make a list. Her rules: if a potential significant other has more than two red flags (doesn't meet two of The List's criteria), then I move on right away, wasting no more of my time.
The beauty of the list is that even though some of the criteria might seem obvious, it's there in black and white, with no potential shades of grey. How many times do you find yourself idealizing a guy without truly seeing him for who he is, but rather as a projection of your own fantasies? I know this is a bad habit of mine, and one The List has helped me to break. Usually, by the time you realize who he really is, it's because the guy has hurt or offended you in some way, and in a way that, had you been more discerning at first, you might have been able to predict.
So without further delay, My List (in no particular order):
What surprised me this whole list-making idea -- and probably shouldn't have -- is that men make these lists, too. I know because I conducted a not-so-scientific poll of my close male friends. Here are the questions that made Their List:
Both the male and female lists seem to revolve around trust, loyalty, and family, which points out to me that The List is not a superficial way of categorizing people, but a practical way of making sure our potential partners are as down for love as we are.
It's definitely not the be-all end-all to finding a mate, nor is it a surefire way to find a secure relationship. But knowing what you want and being able to see those qualities in others is a pretty good first step.
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1. Commitment to personal growth
2. Emotional openness / availability
3. Integrity
4. Maturity and responsibility
5. High self-esteem (you will like me only as much as you like yourself!)
6. Positive attitude toward life.
Your list is a disservice to those of us who think and color outside the lines--and borders on being offensive. Age appropriate? Just what does that mean --when so many people ( men and women) have let themselves go? I'd like to be with someone who can truthfully describe themselves as "fit" and is not suffering from body dysmorphia. Being able to walk from the car to Starbucks does not qualify as a hike or fit --so I find myself attracted to younger women. Nor am I especially attracted to anyone who is hopelessy stuck in the past--either in terms of fashion, music or whatever else it is that stops a person from growing...
More galling, though, is the stable job and income. Really? In this economy? In this day and age? You dismiss those that have suffered through economic downturn and whatever else; and belittle those who have chosen less than lucrative careers to pursue their passion. My world never was--and never will be about the worship of the dollar. I have chosen a creative field--that in combination with my being both a creative genius ;-) and ADD does not provide a steady income.
We are together 11 years. Real good friends, real good relationship.
Does he/she have an addiction (shopaholic, bolemic etc.) or substance abuse problem
What does her mother look like as she will likely look similar 20 years later
Is she egocentric and self absorbed
What is her family like in general and would they make good in-laws
what is the family health and genetic predispositions like
The ones quoted in this article are so paper thin and mostly meaningless especially if looking for marriage.. Remember the vows, good times and bad in sickness and in health etc. try to make sure that you are not going to have more sickness and bad moments than healthy and good
Or sometimes the person might seem close to their family, but it's really unhealthy "enmeshment". Check out to see how YOU feel about their family.
If the potential partner is divorced with kids, you need to take a close look at that.
Great communication over personal matters would be a good indicator for a good relationship. However, I would draw the line at only ONE red flag, which could devour you if you let it.
Right there is the problem. Disney cartoons, Harlequin romance stories, magazines, etc., hype the fairy tale that Prince Charming is going to sweep you off your feet and carry you to his castle in the clouds where you will live happily ever after without lifting a finger.
Real life isn't like that. My mother's generation kept families together during the Great Depression, in spite of chronically out-of-work spouses, growing children, bank foreclosures, and lack of money and food. Previous generations kept families together in spite of the horrors of the coal mining industry. (My great-uncle, a breaker boy at 12 years of age, was brought home to his mother in pieces in a burlap bag. She fainted and miscarried the baby she was carrying.)
Anyone who isn't prepared to face the ups and downs of life with a mate should NOT be thinking of getting married. It's not a game or an endless party.
Also true about men over 40 who have never been married-these ones are very skilled at lying and charming women to get their needs met. And I am not only talking about sex-I find they crave intelligent companionship more than that. I guess being taken for joyrides by 25 year old girls makes them want to have real conversations once in a while. With me.
Dating is all topsy turvy these days you have to know what you want and stick to it. It is best if you tell a man early on what it is that you want so he won't call you back if he can't provide it.
Have standards and make sure others respect your boundaries. And I personally do not answer texts or calls in the evening-sorry but that is a big no no. That is commonly referred to as a "booty call" Perhaps the author meant to clarify that "A woman who does not answer in the evening"
As for not answering calls in the evening -- if somebody you've been dating for a while, occasionalÂly texts you "goodnightÂ" and you never respond, it will only be a matter of time until he (or in my case, his more savvy buddies) begin to wonder aloud why you're never available to respond at night. A year ago I would not have thought that to be a valid concern, but experience since proves otherwise. Best of luck to you.
But, I don't think a general one-size-fits-all list would work for every person. We all have different wants, needs, and priorities.