Just Say "No" to Hung

Dear Producers of HBO's Hung:

As a concerned citizen and consumer of respectable television programming, I am deeply troubled by your new series, Hung.

At first glance, the show's premise seems innocent enough: Ray Drecker, (Thomas Jane) is a divorced, down on his luck, high school basketball coach, raising two teenagers, in the Midwest. After experiencing a string of bad breaks, he enrolls in a self-help, get rich seminar, in an effort to address mounting financial burdens.

OK. These are indeed tough times full of additional challenges due to a tenuous economy. So its understandable that someone would make an earnest attempt to improve their diminishing portfolio by utilizing all their skills and assets.

But after just a few minutes into the first episode, the unsuspecting viewer soon learns that Drecker's greatest asset is actually his God-given, over-endowment, as Ray begins moonlighting as a male escort.

I take no issue in the entrepreneurial spirit of the show's main character. As a matter of fact, I believe that it's this kind of picking-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps mentality that has made this country what it is today. But there is a deeper dilemma that now plagues me and an often under-recognized sect of society.

As someone of the female persuasion, I have spent a lifetime supporting the adage that size doesn't really matter. Now I am relegated to role of poker-faced cheerleader since my not so well-endowed boyfriend's attempts to satisfy in the boudoir have fallen short due to the severe emotional trauma he has suffered resulting from this latest attempt at envelope-pushing programming by cable TV producers.

The weeks, months, of convincing him that size isn't really an issue, all for naught due to the greed of HBO execs looking to make a fast buck by exploiting the fascination of the American public when it comes to male organ size.

Is there someone I can sue for the emotional damages incurred, not to mention the pain and suffering I have endured as a result of this latest nouveau programming faux pas of sizeable magnitude? How about some sort of reimbursement for the extra therapy and couples counseling me and my boyfriend will now be forced to undergo due to the network's selfishness? Can I at least get a credit on my cable bill?

And while this is just one sad saga, I suspect I am not the only one experiencing increased angst and life-altering implications at the hands of irresponsible and insensitive television producers.

Let's face it. Not everyone is going to measure up in the penile department now that bigger being better is open for discussion. Even the most self-assured male among us may be relegated to posing age-old questions once put to rest by reassuring partners and Dr. Ruth.

I wonder what a show like this says about us as a society; one that glamorizes the haves, while diminishing those who pale in comparison. Will men and women who were once presumed to reside in far away places like Mars and Venus, grow even further apart as they recoil into their respective intergalactic corners, facing even greater challenges during a time when the female-male relationship is already challenged enough? Could Hung be the end of civilization as we know it?

Look, I've lived through a post Sex in the City world, where I finally gave up trying to get in touch with my inner Carrie, especially during these lean fiscal times, when my Manolos have been replaced by Payless. But now that there's a new Mr. Big in town, where does that leave the average Joe and the women who love them?

Come on, HBO. Have a heart. The ball's in your court. I anxiously await your reply.

Your Former Loyal Customer,

Jill Rachel Jacobs

PS: Any word on when the DVD's are out for this season's True Blood?

Comments

[mambomary]

Funny piece by Jill Rachel Jacobs, an "up" and coming writer who now recognizes that size matters. I'm always disappointed when a man who tells me he's God's gift turns out to have what Norman Mailer once described as a"modest" member. Of course, those who are "hung" often don't know how to point it in the right direction. So in the end, art trumps size in matters of the heart and nether regions.

[JaneaneTheAcerbicGoblin]

Size doesn't matter....

But it helps...

That's all...

[uncleentropy]

Perhaps your boyfriend can lick his own forehead....

If so, he's got nothing to worry about.

[JimR]

Wait, you mean the show ISN'T about William Hung? BOOO!!!!

[Madison99]

Funny piece. Thanks for a good laugh this morning.

[Will10034]

I haven't seen HUNG yet .... but, after reading this (hysterically funny) piece, I'm afraid too ... well, I reckon like passing a car wreck....I'm now compelled to.

Excellent piece of humor Ms. Jacobs.

[Lemastre]

Maybe Andy Borowitz will give this show the review it deserves. Let's face the fact that while most guys can replace a faucet washer, there are times when a plumber with professional-grade equipment is called for.

[inthedesert]

This show is totally ludicrous and is basically a very silly show. I think HBO has run out of ideas for series. I suppose most people are watching cause they think they will actually get a glimpse of "the big one"......­.....proba­bly not. LOL. The main character has no socially redeeming qualities at all. Yup, he is a total hunk but not very believable as a devoted father willing to do "anything" to help his children. This show is all about titillating the viewer.....that's about it!! YAWN.

[gabby2963]

I really enjoyed the show. I think it shows on some level how many of us who live paycheck to paycheck could lose it all with a just few bad breaks. (not saying we'd resort to hooking, but that's where the fun of the show comes in.) Yes it moved a little slow, but I think it has to set up the characters and set the scene and all. I only wish they had two episodes back to back, but I will def be watching next week. I think its going to be a good new series. Jane Adams is fearless (as is apparently Jill Rachel Jacobs - good luck when you BF reads this - (lol) and Thomas Jane is well, a hunk!

[MIKELIN8]

I watched the premiere, and I didn't come away with any particular idea of why I should like, or relate to, Ray. I will give the show a few more tries to hook me.

It took almost all of last season for "TrueBlood" to hook me. I really didn't "get it" until the murderer's identity was revealed.

[Dogwithoutaleash]

Dear Jill,
I appreciate your efforts to advance the notion that size does not matter in the male organ department, but as a man of only average size, I have to inform you that size really does matter. Everyone knows that. It really makes no difference how much we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the reality is there. Thanks for trying, but it is a lost cause.

Dog

[michelleschneider07]

Are you kidding me? Ok, so men have just as many insecurities as women...but you want to get a show canceled because of his hurt feelings!? Don't get me wrong, I feel pretty insecure watching 10 seconds of any Victoria Secret commercial, but I'm not campaigning to get rid of them!! Whether the show lasts or not, it's still a funny premise for a TV show...Do you have any idea the standard of beauty for women on television and film? If we canceled shows whenever someone was offended by something on TV, we'd all have nothing to watch...ever! It sounds like your insecure boyfriend really needs to just grow a pair and worrying about his "size." If "Hung" makes him feel terrible about himself, then maybe he should snuggle up in bed with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a good Lifetime movie...

[Andrea Von Bargen]

I am a huge fan of Thomas Jane regardless of his actual size as a human actor.

That said his character in this show is a mysogynist of the worst kind.

I would actually consider hiring someone like this if I

a. had the the money
b. thought he genuinely liked woman.

However, his obvious disgust toward the poetry teacher is enough to turn me off. Who wants pay a guy who is going to put a woman down for being too easy to please sexually?

This mind set also augments the "women should play hard to get" notion to a disturbing new level:

Not only should a woman make it impossible for a man to get her in the sack without jumping through millions of costly hurdles, she should now have to make him work extra hard to make her orgasm. I will take the less endowed guy who loves a woman who is easily pleased and will do it for free thank you very much. Some may think I am missing the point...but watch the pilot again and see if you still disagree with me.

[zensistah]

Respectully disagree. This was a roundabout rant that missed the mark.

[FrReader]

I love how almost every comment completely missed the satire

[sisterdebmac]

I recognized the satire, but I do think it fell flat. Mainly because it came off as a tad overdramatic.

[gideonse]

I immediately noticed the satire and then I read the comments and I started thinking it wasn't satire. God, people are so dumb. That said, it's pretty weakly written satire.

[LA90005]

Jill Jill Jill...let's have a quick chat. I, like your BF, am not particularly well endowed, but A: doesn't stop me from doing what i love to do, B: I have never had a complaint because I know how and have the confidence to use it well, and finally C: maybe because I'm not so well endowed a show like this appeals to me because perhaps I too could have been a successful escort or porn star. Whatev's. All that said, your BF has issues that go WELL beyond the narrative of this show. Maybe you should take a look in the mirror at that "poker face" and realize that maybe he can see that you want a bigger D in your life.

[johnqsittinzen]

Nothing like an overly sincere response to an utterly satirical piece.

And what a big piece it is.