I love Jesus. I also love Santa and Rudolph, even though I sort of know they're make believe. I also love coffee. Like ... a lot. I can't imagine a world without coffee. Actually, I can sort of imagine it: the planet would be a sad and barren wasteland without coffee. People would yawn a lot and moms would be snappy and bitchy. And really tired.
Unless you've been living under a rock the past couple of days, you know that the Internet has been erupting over red Starbucks' cups. The nerve. The horror. Red frickin' cups. So what?
Starbucks' holiday cups usually make their appearance around this time of year and I guess they're usually adorned with some sort of happy snowflakes or Christmassy stuff. I dunno. I usually don't notice because I'm focused on guzzling down that warm, caffeinated goodness as fast as I possibly can.
You know, I don't really care much about what color cup I drink out of. I don't care much about what's on my cup at all as long as it doesn't advocate hurting puppies or kitties or something evil and dastardly.
I don't know about you, but if I'm going to spend six bucks on my morning coffee, I'm either super desperate for the caffeine fix or I'm treating myself ... either way, I'm not too likely to get spun up over what color my cup is. I'm probably not going to really notice what my cup looks like at all. I'm too distracted by the cake pops and the scones and all of the overpriced coffee accessories they try to entice you to buy.
Anyone else with me on that?
But apparently, there are people out there that think these plain red cups are an insult to Christians. I'm not really getting how these festive red coffee receptacles would offend any segment of the population, except maybe cretins who don't appreciate good coffee, and I won't even bother with them.
But, check out this wackadoodle here.
He's making some serious leaps with coffee cup analysis, but the fact that he's packing heat in a Starbucks? Scary.
I'm a Christian ... a coffee loving, seriously caffeine-dependent Christian, I'll just put that out there. But I'm pretty secure in saying that Jesus doesn't give a crap about what color cups Starbucks is using for their gingerbread lattes this season. He didn't tell me that or anything, but I'm guessing He's got bigger loaves and fishes to fry in the days leading up to His birthday, right? I know Jesus is supposed to love everyone and all that stuff, but I bet He thinks this Joshua Feuerstein dude is sort of a douchebag and should probably lay off the coffee. That's my guess anyway.
I've talked to a lot of people today and I've yet to run across any one person who is actually annoyed by the color of the Starbucks cups, but just in case you're out there quietly fuming over disposable coffee receptacles, I have this list for you. Here are 20 things that should bug you more than the color of Starbucks' holiday cups:
1. Chin hair
2. A pimple inside your ear (one of those really painful ones)
3. Public wedgies ... you know, when you're around too many people to comfortably fish your underwear out of your butt
4. Parallel parking
5. The dropoff line at school
6. Being stuck at the tail end of the dropoff line with only one bar on your phone
7. People who chew with their mouth open
8. The new notification tone on Facebook that sounds like the "fasten seatbelt sign" on an airplane
9. Telemarketers
10. The fact that the Kardashians are famous
11. The fact that it takes an engineering degree 48 minutes and three broken nails to penetrate the packaging of one children's action figure
12. Caillou
13. The fact that Costco puts Christmas decorations up before Halloween
14. Having acne and wrinkles at the same effing time. What is that even called, anyway? Is there a name for that?
15. Vaguebookers
16. Boob sweat
17. Movember
18. Automated phone systems (I JUST WANNA TALK TO A REAL PERSON!)
19. Traffic circles
20. Getting popcorn stuck in your teeth at the movies and not having floss in your purse
I could probably think of more stuff but all of those things I mentioned are much more annoying and inconvenient that red Starbucks cups. And yes, I know my list was made up of silly, trifling little annoyances in life. There are things in this world to really get upset about. Poverty. Discrimination. Hunger. Violence. This dude that's going on about the color of coffee cups is an embarrassment to Christians, people. There's so much that people can do with their time to do good this time of year ... so many opportunities to walk your talk and help someone who doesn't have much.
If you've got your undies in a bunch over red cups, just stop. Even if you think that Starbucks is out to get Christians everywhere, find something better to expend your energies on. Google charities and volunteer opportunities in your area and get off your butt and do some good.
I was sort of bitter that all of the Christmas hoopla was eclipsing Thanksgiving, but I'm suddenly feeling kind of festive.
And Joshua Feuerstein? Good Southern ladies like me have a few choice words for you: Bless your heart.
Pass the gingerbread latte, people. Let the merry begin!
Oh, and by the way? I'm #TeamJesusDoesn'tCareAboutYourCup
Jill Robbins is a published author and award-winning writer, speaker and wine snob. She writes regularly on her blog, Ripped Jeans and Bifocals. You can keep up with her on Facebook and Twitter.
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