"I will wear you out." That's the sext Tiger sent one of the three ladies, and that is the chewy center of this whole scandal that wakes me up in the middle of the night, contemplating what's keeping Elin Nordegren awake in the middle of the night.
That Tiger texted "I will wear you out" to one of those girls, using a sex voice she either forgot about or never knew he had. I think about Elin, home raising the kids, big giant empty house, security system. Nightly call to tuck her in, make sure the kids are safe, good night my darling, yeah, I'm going to sleep.
And then back down to the club Tiger would go, looking into the eyes of Rachel Uchitel, Jamie Grubbs or Kalika Moquin. Not enough to have one of these three women, he had to be working all four women against one another to get the rush, and there were probably more.
I submit the following -- that in Tiger's mind, Elin is home, safe in her robe and slippers and not at all disrespected, but rather protected from the "I will wear you out" side of him, that is only fit for the tawny-skinned and dark haired girls who are willing to perform for his attention. I am not attached, by the way, to the blonde wife and dark mistress paradigm. Many men have it the other way 'round -- the dark wife and the light whore. The point is that what some men must need -- is BOTH.
I am sure Tiger knows that Elin has, in fact, already done been worn out, I can assure you, as the mother of two kids -- one of them a one-year-old. My husband and I spat about our current love triangle -- me, him and my body pillow. Sleep is my drug; I'm more interested in 8 or 9 hours than 8 or 9 inches.
I am here now, on this wife side, crossed over. But I have been there, as have many of us. It's this chasm that splits all of us women into two camps, the Jens and Angelinas, the Jenny Sanfords and the Rielle Hunters, the Sildas and Ashleys. Every episode of Real Housewives or The Hills or The City has at it's core, a tanning party or leather-cuff-event where the respectable girl snarls about the unrespectable girl, "I can't believe she showed up here."
It's super dangerous to proclaim our whorish sides or to defend our whorish sisters, especially on the internet. Look at the comments on any of these articles -- Rachel-Jamie-Kalika were pigs and sluts and gold diggers and trash and probably lying just to get money a few days ago. Now that it's all true? Well, the lying part is gone, but they're all still pigs and sluts and trash.
Men don't have to pick sides. Men get to shake their heads and chuckle inside, and promise their wives, I can't imagine how he could do that to that sweet wife, all the while knowing the truth -- of course they can imagine. What they can't imagine, if they are good husbands, is how they have gone this long without trying it themselves. What they can't imagine, if they are shitty husbands, is how they haven't gotten busted yet.
What they can't deny, that no one can deny, is that we can all relate to the heart-racing feeling of lying. That we all know what it does to Tiger's pulse and his dick to know that while his wife is sleeping, there is a woman who is waiting. That if he's been married a few years and his wife has two little ones, if he called his wife and said "I'm going to wear you out" she'd chase him to the car with his own nine-iron.
Knowing what's in the hearts of these girls is what has us all searching. One was a reality star. One boned the star of Bones. Another saved fifty texts she got from him, like Monica saved the dress. Did any of them sleep last night? Are they racing in some new way, wondering what awesome reality opportunity is next? I don't think so. I think they are scared, dry dread inside. Some deep cell part of them knows that the collected wives of the world are snatching their emergency phone trees off their fridges, inviting each other to stay up all night, meet in the town square, rig our collective Hester Prynne nooses. For by daylight, or the at least the next news cycle, all three will be hanged.
Is it impossible to say I feel for all three of them, while I feel for Elizabeth Edwards. When I watched her on Oprah, in her black socks and Easy Spirit sandals, she gestured around her house and said, about Rielle Hunter: "I worked for this. She can't just have this. If she wants this, she should get her own." The unsaid? If Rielle wants what-- a husband? A professionally decorated living room? Breast cancer? More unsaid: I got this by having four kids and making Halloween costumes and being a room parent. Rielle needs to do a leeeeetle bit more than blow my husband twenty-four times.
Maybe what we can do is, when the world -- and ourselves -- ask us to tolerate the discomfort -- we can refuse. We can unionize, stay whole. Know that women competing with each other keeps us distracted from the truth -- that we work more, fight more, clean more, fuck more, cry more, multitask more, yell more, work unpaid more, give birth more for so much less than so many men every day in every country on this planet. We can spoon Elin in the comfort of her big, big bed or the seven figure settlement or the tucked in children, and meanwhile...
We can admit that we know what it meant to save those text messages from that man. We can remember those times in our lives -- or women who still are in those times in their lives -- when we had no power and no money and thought the only way to it was by being near it, flirting with it, letting it fuck us. Show me a stripper or cocktail waitress or party promoter (or golf course nanny) who isn't looking for someone to see her, to love her.
This twist inside me is something I can't write my way out of. But I can quote one of my favorite writers, Mary Gaitskill, who, in last week's New York magazine, wrote a piece of fiction called The Astral Plane Nail and Waxing Salon. We jump in as Ashley Dupre gives Silda Spitzer a pedicure, and narrates:
"So I sat before Silda on a small stool and attended to her feet. Somehow, I knew what to do. I looked up only twice. The first time, she was reading a magazine. The second time, she was naked and flawlessly beautiful, a woman whose face and body, as I looked, changed subtly and so rapidly that I could not say for sure what her features were or even what race she was. Her expression, though, I could not mistake: It was sorrowful and deeply forgiving, and I bowed my head before it.
"Feelings came through me, and with them, darkness. Winged, I flew through darkness. I felt nothing then except in my belly, in my wings, and in my tingling, perfect claws. I dove down to seize a tiny creature; as I tore it I became it, and opened my infant mouth to cry in terror. "I don't want to be this," I whispered. "I know," she answered. "But you have to." My tears fell on her feet; I wiped them with my waist-length hair."
I read the above, and somewhere in the poetry of that second paragraph, I know there is a kernel. Not of an answer, because nothing will satisfy me tonight or this week or probably this lifetime. But something of the question is in there.
"I don't want to be this," Ashley says. "I know," says Silda. "But you have to."
What he did is wrong. Keep trying to blame it on his wife when none of you know anything at all about their marriage.
As one poster said, "we have two wars going on".
It had nothing to do with whether their spouse was good looking or not, or attentive or not.
For the most part, they were bored.
I'm not condoning the behavior, just aware of the fact that most wanted something new and different.
They could divorce, it's true; but "having your cake, etc, etc.".....seemed to be the reality.
My mother and sister, both of whose marriage ended because of extended infidelity on their husbands' parts, have really enjoyed the part where he was caught.
He still looks like a little kid to me.
Tiger's mistake was to leave himself wide-open to get busted. He somehow didn't realize how famous he is...When you're that daaaamn rich and famous you don't bang cocktail waitresses and leave sextexts on cells, regardless of how fine they are...But, he was probably too cheap to pay for discretion. I understand how a man would want a lil nookie on the side. Even filet mignon loses it's taste appeal if consumed daily. And unless a woman faithfully Kegels, most women lose their grip on things after having kids.
Now, if it's not the money, but your ego that doesn't allow you to buy some, hook-up with a woman that's successful in her own right...One who needs to protect their public image just as badly...Who has just as much to lose. If you can't stick to some basic cheater's common-sense guidelines, then put a leash on that lil Tiger, and buy your wife a Kegelsizer. Or develop a close relationship with Mary "Palmer"....Besides, there too many things you can catch out there...
He can do whatever he wants. Too bad that marriage certificate will cost him many millions.
Spitzer paid thousands of dollars to a hooker. He was not ridiculed in the press, even though he was worse because he paid for sex, exploiting that prostitute.
Now go home and fix your own problems. hahahahaha
Tony Soprano: Are you kidding me? She kisses my children with that mouth!
Spreading the seed predates marriage. Capturing a caregiver predates divorce. We can contain the urges here and there, but it's never going away.
hahahahahaha
It's disturbing how casual this blogger is about denying her husband one of his most basic and essential needs. Denial of intimacy to your spouse is just as cruel as cheating on your spouse. And that fact needs to be included in any discussion about improving relationships and marriages. If there is one thing that we can learn from this situation involoving Mr. Woods is that sex andintimacy are very important to men. The longer we keep trying to deny and trivialize this basic fact about the nature of men. There will never be any real improvment in the disconnect between the sexes in this country.
She has no burdens to worry about.
Tiger got tired with that woman.....he wanted someone fresh, younger, and different. Completely normal.
However, I also appreciate the fact that I need to meet my husband's sexual needs if I don't want him looking elsewhere. Although I won't have sex EVERY time he wants it, I also don't deny him sex every time I'm not in the mood. Sometimes I am all for it and am ready to go, and it's great for both of us. But sometimes I don't really want to, but I do it anyways and "take one for the team" so to speak. Just like my husband helps with housework when I am the only person who cares how clean our apartment is. Marriage is a compromise.
Yes in many relationships, women will be having more sex than they'd like and men less than they'd like. But you have to meet eachother half way. You can't expect your spouse to live based SOLELY on your sexual calender without any consideration given to their own wants and needs.
Though of course, it's not like I've never known women whose boyfriends/husbands cheated on them no matter how much sex they were having at home.
"Most married men simply rely on porn the way headache sufferers will take an aspirin"
There is a problem with that, and I have seen it played out often... Sometimes, the wife even gets jealous of the porn, even though there is little to no sex in the marriage, or even worse there are an elaborate set of tasks the man is required to perform because the wife hates "light-switch" sex.
So the man does try to conform and try those things, but again Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown and he ends up, like many men, lying on his back dazed.
Both men and women need to communicate their needs to each other and come to a compromise, or they should get divorced and find what they really want.
Then there is the possibility that Woods was hooked into marrying by someone who fell in love with his money. I guess we'll never know, eh?
This is not about love. It never has been. It's about sex. It's about the overwhelming drive that some men and women have that quite often is sublimated in career and external achievement.
Tiger probably still loves his wife very much but it's not even about romance. It's a deeper need that unfortunately not even his wife can fulfill. The relationship changes as soon as marriage and children enter the picture.
Most married men simply rely on porn the way headache sufferers will take an aspirin. Wealthy men and women with this drive have the resources to take their pleasure to the next level. Most of us poor suckers read romance novels or live vicariously through our single friends.
I agree with the blogger - you are not allowed to inflict your whims and desires on your mate, simply because they signed the document of marriage unity. Can you imagine how disastrous a relationship would be if we went back to the days when women had to submit to their husband's every demands?
We are shocked that Afghan laws are being written allowing men to force themselves on wives if they refuse to have sex. No, unfortunately, it's not about love and romance, it's about sex and ego.
Women use this tactic to keep men in their control. I know of a guy who was not allowed to see his male friends because his wife threatened to kick him out of the house, take full custody of his 3 children, and make him lose half of his wealth.
Without that marriage certificate, she would never had that power over him.
I know that when his children are over 18 years of age, he will divorce his monster wife.
Right now she has full control.
I always laugh when I hear men or women who tell horror stories that they or themselves have experienced and then assume that this behavior applies to ALL members of the opposite sex. Especially when they are describing behavior that has been exhibited by few to none of my own married friends.
One thing that NEVER seems to occur to them is that maybe if they and/or their friends were better PEOPLE, they would have found themselves a good spouse who wouldn't have caused them such problems.
Yes, there are good people who through misfortune end up with bad people. But sometimes you get the spouse you deserve, and the reason your spouse sucks is because YOU suck and couldn't land someone better.
What Tiger did was wrong, but we are all rushing to demonize him when he and his wife have asked us all to repsect their privacy. There is probably a large untold story here, and I think it should stay that way without us theorizing and blaming either gender.
I know many women who have incredible sexual appetites and have cheated and continue to cheat on their husbands. I also know single women who literally throw themselves at married men (they like the challenge and power) and do not care about their families and aren't looking to get anything out of the encounters other than sex.
I actually feel very sorry for married men these days because women are so much more aggressive and loose - even if you are a good man with every intention of upholding your vows - you get chased after. I'm certainly not saying women are to blame in every situation and I feel tremendous sympathy for any woman who has been cheated on - but as women we have to get past the victim mentality and stop placing the blame solely on the men in these situations and hold women accountable as well. These women aren't victims they victimized someone elses marriage. Of course Tiger is responsible but a man can't cheat without a ready and willing loose woman.
Life is short for this crap.. Get counselling, get a divorce. We get that marriage is hard but without commiment to each other and respect, love goes out of the window and crap like this comes it.
I heard that allegedly she's re-negotiating her pre-nuptial agreement, and may be given an extra 80 million to hang around. The experienced among us know once the love is gone.. money will not bring it back.
Sometimes respect and forgiveness means calling a spade a spade. Tiger is 33, she's much younger I suppose. This may be the time to call it a day.. no need for continued hostility. Would be very hard to keep that cheating 'elephant' out of the room. http:/www.vernasmith.com
1. Talked to his wife
2. Sought counseling
3. Romanced her more to improve their relationship
4. Helped out around the house so that she maybe she would actually have the energy to have sex.
5. Gotten a divorce
6. Tell her over the phone
7. Tell her through interpretive dance
8. Paint a picure to illustrate his feelings
9. Tell her through text message/ Myspace/Facebook (lame, but better than cheating)
10. Had someone else tell her
11. Made flash cards for her
12. Erect a billboard to tell her
13. Tell her via an ad in the news paper
14. Hire an aerial advertising service to tell her via sky writing
15. Talk to her using puppets (my favorite)
Any other ideas?
'7. Tell her through interpretive dance'
You do realize that Tiger is a man, right?