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Jilly Gagnon
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Jilly Gagnon lives in Somerville Massachusetts. Her work has appeared in Newsweek, on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, on satire-news site The Smew, in Bloomberg BusinessWeek, in Funny Times magazine, on Vanity Fair online, on The Toast, regularly in Boston's Weekly Dig, in Boston Magazine and Boston Home, and in various other locations that it's rather too embarrassing to admit to.

Entries by Jilly Gagnon

Approved Rom-Com Characters

(0) Comments | Posted June 3, 2014 | 5:20 PM

  • Loud, almost-fat friend
  • Male gynecologist full of judgments
  • Hotter, younger version of protagonist who mostly wears bikinis
  • Gal pal who just loves talkin' penis size
  • Snooty proprietress
  • Bro with a heart of gold
  • Sassy nameless one
  • Untameable man who wants you to tame him which he shows by running away...
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Pumpkin Carving for All Skill Levels!

(4) Comments | Posted October 25, 2013 | 10:30 AM

Beginner: Bat Silhouette
* No special tools required

1.) Begin by cutting off the top of your pumpkin and scooping out the interior. Save the seeds if you'd like to roast them later.

2.) Draw an outline of a bat in washable marker onto the...

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20 More Ways I've Failed at My 20s

(0) Comments | Posted October 15, 2013 | 4:49 PM

Let's just get this out in the open, because it's going to be eating away at me for the remaining thirty-ish weeks until I turn 30:

I've failed at my twenties.

Correction: I've failed at all the listicle versions of what kind of woman I REALLY ought to be...

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Beyond Lent

(2) Comments | Posted March 27, 2013 | 1:29 PM

To my friends and family,

Pardon the mass e-mail; it seemed incredibly tedious to copy, paste, and re-address this countless, maybe even 14 ½, times (Mikes Pelham and Stein being a nominal "two-fer"). Like all of you, I have things to do - or not do, as you'll soon find...

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Ikea Horsmit: Some Assembly Required

(6) Comments | Posted February 27, 2013 | 12:36 PM

The escalating crisis over horse meat in beef products in Europe claimed another big retail victim Monday when the Swedish furniture giant, Ikea, withdrew meatballs from sale in 14 European countries. -- The New York Times

To Our Valued Customers,

We wanted to reach out today to...

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Could I Make a Suggestion?

(0) Comments | Posted February 5, 2013 | 8:38 AM

"Already actions like steering, braking and accelerating are increasingly handled by computer software rather than the driver. 'People don't realize that when you step on antilock brakes it's simply a suggestion for the car to stop'.... How and when the car stops is left to the system." - the
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Maybe Just One

(1) Comments | Posted November 20, 2012 | 3:35 PM

Oh, thanks for offering, but no, I can't. I'm really trying to be careful about what I eat during the holidays, and I know that wouldn't do my waistline any favors!

Well, if you insist, I suppose I could try just one little bite. Just to get...

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Honest Missed Connections

(1) Comments | Posted July 23, 2012 | 10:14 AM

O'Flaherty's bar last Saturday -- m4w -- 48 (greater Quincy area)

I should have come over and sat with you, but instead, we both sat alone, me with my several Schlitzes, you with your rocks glass of crème de menthe.

We probably don't...

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STD Rates Among Dungeons and Dragons Players Stay Steady at 0 Percent

(14) Comments | Posted May 29, 2012 | 7:46 PM

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A recent study by the infectious disease division of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's microbiology department has indicated that STD rates among the nation's Dungeons and Dragons, or D&D, players is holding steady at 0 percent.

"This new data is right in line with previous assessments of...

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New Parenting Recommendations Suggest Replacing Personal Responsibility With Anger at Intolerance of World

(28) Comments | Posted April 19, 2012 | 4:01 PM

PALO ALTO, CA -- A new book from a team of psychologists and sociologists out of Stanford University is recommending parents replace a sense of personal responsibility regarding the behavior and character of their growing children with generalized anger at the intolerance of the world.

"The book arose out...

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Paul Ryan's Atlas Shrugged Quiz

(63) Comments | Posted March 15, 2012 | 5:54 PM

"Representative Paul Ryan, the chairman of the House Budget Committee, requires that staffers read Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged," -- Paul Krugman in The New York Times


Welcome back, staffers! We're going to start this session with a short quiz to make sure you've completed your...

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Susan G. Komen Foundation Adopts New Cancer Screening Policy for Worthwhile Lives

(172) Comments | Posted February 2, 2012 | 3:14 PM

DALLAS, TEXAS -- In conjunction with their controversial recent decision to pull funding from Planned Parenthood clinics, the Susan G. Komen For The Cure Breast Cancer Foundation today announced a new screening policy for providers, meant to detect and help save only "the most worthwhile" lives, which included a new...

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International Community Celebrates John A. Macdonald's Birthday by Continuing to Ignore Canada

(2) Comments | Posted January 12, 2012 | 11:48 AM

The international community marked the 197th anniversary of the birth of Canada's first Prime Minister, John A. Macdonald yesterday, by completely ignoring the man as well as the country he headed.

"Oh yeah, Canada -- you sorta forget about Canada, you know?" said Pierre Chirant, assistant to the...

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Plumbing the Depths

(2) Comments | Posted December 9, 2011 | 2:43 PM

Morning, ma'am, I hear you're having a few problems with your toilet? Lead the way, and I'll take a look, and perhaps more importantly, a listen.

If there's one thing we at Psychoplumbalysis Plumbers do better than any of our competitors, it's listening.

...

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New Movies From Mattel

(7) Comments | Posted October 14, 2011 | 1:40 PM

To the Dreamworks production staff,

We're so pleased to see that our Rock'em Sock'em Robots movie has done so well! Some people said a movie about a vague future where Hugh Jackman plays Wii boxing with massive metal robots was sure to be terrible, but then some people prefer UNO...

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The Adult Presidential Fitness Challenge!

(6) Comments | Posted September 16, 2011 | 12:18 PM

Welcome to the Presidential Fitness challenge: adult edition! To determine whether you're maintaining average adult levels of fitness, please test yourself in each of the following areas:

The Stretch and Look

Can you touch your toes? What about if you bend your knees a little...

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Alternate Explanations for the Current National Debt Levels

(5) Comments | Posted August 26, 2011 | 5:38 PM

"This is foolproof, I tell ya, foolproof," Henry Paulson said, grinning, his upper lip beading slightly with sweat. "You just invest a few trillion dollars -- and what's that, it's beans! -- and this thing will pay you back a thousand-fold! I guarantee it!"

"I don't know,"...

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The Angry Birds Deal With Post-Traumatic Stress

(0) Comments | Posted August 1, 2011 | 3:48 PM

Yellow Bird: Sometimes I find myself dive-bombing other cars on the highway, just because they haven't noticed the light switched.
Doctor: Have you ever questioned where this anger comes from, Yellow Bird?
Yellow Bird: From the Green Pigs. They stole our eggs, and so we're angry.
Doctor:...

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Hyper-Competitive Daycare Interviews

(5) Comments | Posted July 8, 2011 | 6:44 PM

Welcome to the Warren Day Preparatory Pre-Pre-Preschool for gifted infants. If you come right this way we can start the interview.

Incidentally, I see you're carrying little Hazel in a Baby Bjorn. Of course that won't hurt her chances of acceptance today, but I'll let you know...

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Bacon It Better

(9) Comments | Posted June 23, 2011 | 4:56 PM

Try adding bacon to even more of your favorites, because bacon makes everything better!

Bacon-Wrapped Marriage Counseling
-1 pound bacon
-your favorite go-to dinner recipe

1.) Prepare recipe as usual. Top with fried bacon.
2.) Serve to your partner. Explain that you see your recent cosmetic...

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