To my friends and family,

Pardon the mass e-mail; it seemed incredibly tedious to copy, paste, and re-address this countless, maybe even 14 ½, times (Mikes Pelham and Stein being a nominal "two-fer"). Like all of you, I have things to do - or not do, as you'll soon find...

The escalating crisis over horse meat in beef products in Europe claimed another big retail victim Monday when the Swedish furniture giant, Ikea, withdrew meatballs from sale in 14 European countries. -- The New York Times

To Our Valued Customers,

We wanted to reach out today to...

"Already actions like steering, braking and accelerating are increasingly handled by computer software rather than the driver. 'People don't realize that when you step on antilock brakes it's simply a suggestion for the car to stop'.... How and when the car stops is left to the system." - the

Oh, thanks for offering, but no, I can't. I'm really trying to be careful about what I eat during the holidays, and I know that wouldn't do my waistline any favors!

Well, if you insist, I suppose I could try just one little bite. Just to get...

O'Flaherty's bar last Saturday -- m4w -- 48 (greater Quincy area)

I should have come over and sat with you, but instead, we both sat alone, me with my several Schlitzes, you with your rocks glass of crème de menthe.

We probably don't...

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A recent study by the infectious disease division of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's microbiology department has indicated that STD rates among the nation's Dungeons and Dragons, or D&D, players is holding steady at 0 percent.

"This new data is right in line with previous assessments of...

PALO ALTO, CA -- A new book from a team of psychologists and sociologists out of Stanford University is recommending parents replace a sense of personal responsibility regarding the behavior and character of their growing children with generalized anger at the intolerance of the world.

"The book arose out...

"Representative Paul Ryan, the chairman of the House Budget Committee, requires that staffers read Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged," -- Paul Krugman in The New York Times

Welcome back, staffers! We're going to start this session with a short quiz to make sure you've completed your...

DALLAS, TEXAS -- In conjunction with their controversial recent decision to pull funding from Planned Parenthood clinics, the Susan G. Komen For The Cure Breast Cancer Foundation today announced a new screening policy for providers, meant to detect and help save only "the most worthwhile" lives, which included a new...

The international community marked the 197th anniversary of the birth of Canada's first Prime Minister, John A. Macdonald yesterday, by completely ignoring the man as well as the country he headed.

"Oh yeah, Canada -- you sorta forget about Canada, you know?" said Pierre Chirant, assistant to the...

Morning, ma'am, I hear you're having a few problems with your toilet? Lead the way, and I'll take a look, and perhaps more importantly, a listen.

If there's one thing we at Psychoplumbalysis Plumbers do better than any of our competitors, it's listening.

...

To the Dreamworks production staff,

We're so pleased to see that our Rock'em Sock'em Robots movie has done so well! Some people said a movie about a vague future where Hugh Jackman plays Wii boxing with massive metal robots was sure to be terrible, but then some people prefer UNO...

Welcome to the Presidential Fitness challenge: adult edition! To determine whether you're maintaining average adult levels of fitness, please test yourself in each of the following areas:

The Stretch and Look

Can you touch your toes? What about if you bend your knees a little...

"This is foolproof, I tell ya, foolproof," Henry Paulson said, grinning, his upper lip beading slightly with sweat. "You just invest a few trillion dollars -- and what's that, it's beans! -- and this thing will pay you back a thousand-fold! I guarantee it!"

"I don't know,"...

Yellow Bird: Sometimes I find myself dive-bombing other cars on the highway, just because they haven't noticed the light switched.
Doctor: Have you ever questioned where this anger comes from, Yellow Bird?
Yellow Bird: From the Green Pigs. They stole our eggs, and so we're angry.
Doctor:...

Welcome to the Warren Day Preparatory Pre-Pre-Preschool for gifted infants. If you come right this way we can start the interview.

Incidentally, I see you're carrying little Hazel in a Baby Bjorn. Of course that won't hurt her chances of acceptance today, but I'll let you know...

Try adding bacon to even more of your favorites, because bacon makes everything better!

Bacon-Wrapped Marriage Counseling
-1 pound bacon
-your favorite go-to dinner recipe
1.) Prepare recipe as usual. Top with fried bacon.
2.) Serve to your partner. Explain that you see your recent cosmetic...

* I don't care who you are, everyone needs a nice pair of basic khakis in their wardrobe. You can dress them up, or dress them down, they go with every color under the sun -- really, you can't go wrong with a nice pair of khakis.

...

Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes

Okay, head, shoul-hey, buddy, my face is up here. You know, the part with the eyes and ears and mouth and nose?

And if you keep looking at them that way, I promise that you will not like...

Hey, baby, how you doin'? Good? Because you sure are lookin' good, with that brushed-metal finish, and that sassy little cord poking out from behind, a treasure trail to electric pleasures, and those dials smack dab in the center of your dress, teasing me with their simplicity, begging me to...