THE BLOG
03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

1-800-U-R-N-HELL

Hello, and thank you for calling Hell! To hear this message in English, please press one, por Español ...

Great! If you have a question about billing, please press 1. If you have a question about a child who has been possessed by the dark lord himself, please press 2. If you have a question about the nature of your enduring, ironically fitting punishment, please press 3. If you have a question about the nature of Hell, its hours, the religions we serve, or anything else that doesn't fit in another category, please press 4. To repeat this menu, please press...

You've been directed to our "about us" department. If you would like to hear our hours, please press 1. If you would like to find out whether your religion or sect is on the "doomed to eternal damnation because of minor theological differences with the one true path to enlightenment" list, please press 2. Please note that we cannot disclose which religion or religions are "right" due to binding legal agreements with Heaven. If you would like to learn about how Hell got started, and how we're working our hardest to make eternity harder for you, please press 3. If you have another question, or if you have been directed to this message in error, please press 4.

ERROR MESSAGE 3125: The number you have dialed is no longer available. Please hang up and try your call again. The number you have dialed is no longer...

Hello, and thank you for ...

Great! If you have a question about billing, please press ...

You've been directed to our punishments department. If you would like to find out more about how punishments are handed out, please press 1. If you are already being punished for the sins of your earthly life, please press 2. If you would like to find out what you can do to end your current punishment, please press 3.

You've chosen to find out how to end your current punishment. Unfortunately, due to a restructuring of our payments plan, in compliance with federal law 412bxHell, we are currently unable to consider new requests for trades, bargains, or risky but potentially brilliantly successful relationships with Satan or other demons in return for a shortening of, change of, or cessation of punishment. Please call back soon to find out if and when we will be able to continue this service. If you have been directed to this message in error, or if you still have a question for Hell, please hang up and dial again.

Hello, and thank you for ...

Great! If you have ...

You've been directed to our punish ...

You have indicated that you are already being punished eternally for the sins of your earthly life. If your punishment involves eating of any or all parts of the body by oneself or others, please press 1. If your punishment involves mental or physical distress, induced by an inability to reach the one thing you desire, which is always in view, but just beyond your grasp, please press 2. If your punishment is more of a spiritual thing, please press 3. If you are located below circle five, please press 4. If you have been directed to this message in error, please hang up and ...

Sorry, we don't recognize which department you're trying to reach. To repeat the last message, press 1, otherwise please hang up ...

Sorry, I still didn't get that. Perhaps you're trying to go back? If so, please hang up and dial ...

I'm still not understanding you. Please wait on the line while I redirect you to one of our fiendly customer service representatives.

Your call will be answered in the order it was received. Current wait time is estimated at 372 years, six months, four days and change. We want you to know your call is important to us, and that we value your time, which is why waiting on the line is currently being considered as an acceptable alternate form of punishment for all current members of Hell above circle five. While you wait, please enjoy this Peruvian flute soft-rock medley interpretation of Barry Manilow's greatest hits, as sung by Barbra Streisand, Celine Dion, and a tortured cat, to be played on repeat until we can get to your call.

If you have decided that you do not need to reach an operator, please enjoy the rest of your eternity of punishment, and thank you for calling Hell!