11/24/2010 12:49 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

A TEA Party Thanksgiving

Gather round, children. I'm going to tell you the tale of the very first Thanksgiving.

Long, long ago, there lived a group of people who called themselves the Pilgrims. Some think they called themselves that because they'd rather take long trips, or "pilgrimages," to generally unknown places than be told what to do. Some think they were the first true death-metal devotees, and that the name of their favorite band, "Grim Pills" has come down to us somewhat mangled over the centuries.

But the real reason behind their name was that these original patriots were Protesting Indispensable Levies on Generally Reasonable Items and Maintenance.

They stood up for their right not to pay for either John the Murder-Rapist's drawing and quartering or his gaol, or for the costs of instituting a unified disposal system for night-soil, or to lay new roads that they couldn't be absolutely certain they would use.

Why? Because they loved freedom, that's why.

Also, England was a pretty homosexual place around that time. I mean, the boys ran around in tights, for goodness' sake.

It's not that the PILGRIMs were prejudiced or anything -- they were more than happy to have anyone join their movement. The party didn't even have any official position on how the state should define a union between a codpiece and some trunk-hose.

Most of the members just personally didn't think those choosing a codpiece lifestyle should be allowed to have opinions, or rights, or any more delays between themselves and the final punishment an angry God was certain to pass upon them, soon.

Also, they didn't want to have to see them.

Also, they didn't want them thinking they could join their movement.

So they did the only manly, freedom-loving, true protester thing they could do: they got on a ship and ran away to America.

That first winter was hard on the PILGRIMs. Many of them fell ill with a mysterious sickness that for some reason didn't respond to their ardent belief that they shouldn't have to fund universal blood-letting programs, nor did it respond to the expensive uninsured individual blood-lettings they each paid for upon falling ill. On top of that, it was bitterly cold, and helping each other build houses seemed pretty damned socialist to these true patriots.

There were also several suicides by members of the group that realized that they themselves were, in fact, undocumented immigrants.

But some people lived anyway, which of course the PILGRIMs knew was a sign of their own superiority, as well as the righteousness of their cause. Accordingly, they spent the summer yelling a lot, not sharing, and staging elaborate hoaxes intended to convince any ships full of potential immigrants that the entire country was haunted.

In this way, they used up almost their entire store of pulley-systems, iridescent paint, and food. Haunting ships is hungry work, after all.

Luckily, that fall, a few Indians realized the superiority of the PILGRIM way and stopped in to offer their support. The PILGRIMs, of course, welcomed them with open arms, because as we've noted, they welcomed anyone and everyone into their movement. In fact, their arms were open extra-wide to carry all the blankets they gave to the Indians to show their good will.

Reports that these blankets were infected with smallpox have never been proven. If you can provide video evidence that these blankets were actually given out in the way you claim, the PILGRIMs will gladly donate $100,000 to whatever Indian group you like. Anyway, even if there were a few smallpox blankets, those were just liberal plants trying to discredit the PILGRIMs.

Having allowed the Indians to join them, the PILGRIMs celebrated the first thanksgiving, sharing the bounty of their own harvest, as well as the much bigger bounty that the Indians brought with them

The day after, the suicide rate spiked severely again. After all, Thanksgiving dinner is a hell of a lot like socialism.