Congratulations, Graduate!

06/08/2010 11:22 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Congratulations, class of 2010! Very soon you will be college graduates, ready to embark on a new adventure, one with many twists and turns, ups and downs, and absolutely no end in sight. How exciting!

As you head out into the big, wide, uncaring world, the Office of Career Services would like to offer the following information to help you best decide what direction in which to take your life -- after all, out in the real world, good advice rarely comes free!*

Please carefully read over the following materials, and feel free to stop into the OCS during regular hours if you have any questions.**

* For those of you currently enjoying one of our generous financial aid or loan packages, you will soon discover that this advice was not, in fact, "free" either.

** Regular hours will not be resumed until the 2010-2011 academic year. Alumni are welcome to visit, but use of any and all OCS services is reserved to current undergraduates.

Career Options:

Many of you plan on entering the workforce upon graduation. If you haven't already lined up a job by now, consider the following appealing† options!

  • One of the most important takeaways of your time as an undergraduate is the network you've built up here. Do you have any friends in industries that sound interesting?‡ Call them up and see if you can't wrangle an interview at their companies, even for a low-level position -- putting in your time at the bottom of the ladder is a sure way to rise! After the conversation, make sure to do the smart professional thing, and send a condolence card for your friend's recent job loss - you never know when these relationships will help you in the future, so leave a good taste in their mouths!
  • Formed a valuable relationship with a professor or school administrator? Realistically speaking, the school's budget does not allow for new hiring at this time, so just cross your fingers that a "really nice recommendation" from him or her is going to be your "x-factor" at a future interview.§
  • If neither of those turn up likely options, consider blackmail. It's amazing how many people will work a little harder to get their boss to interview you when they hear you plan on publishing photos of all the "experimentation" you did together during school to said boss's facebook wall! Like we've always said, only a fraction of your undergraduate education takes place in the classroom!
  • What about the family business? It's almost like they have to give you a job there. No such family business available to you? It's amazing how faulty contraception, even when used "100% correctly," can be. If this does not lead to a new family connection of your own, we know a few families who would pay a lot for babies of a certain genetic profile...
  • The world will always need ditch-diggers.⁺ Why not a few who can quote Proust extensively?

Appeal, of course, is relative. In this context, it should be seen as being weighed against indefinite residence in your parents' basement.

Despite sounding interesting, the OCS does not recommend petitioning friends in the following industries: journalism, finance, old media, new media, material goods, technology/information, and anything related to automobiles.

§The OCS does not want to give the impression that this will, in fact, be much help in an interview.

As of press time, the world was not, to the university's knowledge, hiring for any "ditch digging" positions.


Another perennially popular choice upon graduation is taking some time off to travel the world! If this sounds appealing to you, consider applying for one of the University's post-graduate travel grants.⁑

Doing it on your own? Our alumni clubs are located all around the world. There, at a cost comparable to hotels in the area, you can stay in the company of other alums, in the sorts of accommodations you've become accustomed to during your undergraduate dormitory days!^

Travel grants have been suspended at this time.

^Rates are subject to membership in local alumni club. In most major cities, this membership is no more than $1000 annually.

Continuing Education:

In today's competitive job market, degrees beyond your bachelor's are highly recommended, and, lucky for you, we can help you with your application to continue your education right here, in the place you've learned to call "home" over the last four years!º

While the university does not offer financial aid for our higher-degree programs, we can tell you that your Masters or Doctorate will certainly pay for itself -- after all, have you ever heard of an out-of-work graduate student?***

º Graduate-program tuition fees do not include a "home," as such.

*** The university is aware that the answer to this question is "yes."