THE BLOG
02/05/2013 09:38 am ET Updated Apr 07, 2013

Could I Make a Suggestion?

Alamy

"Already actions like steering, braking and accelerating are increasingly handled by computer software rather than the driver. 'People don't realize that when you step on antilock brakes it's simply a suggestion for the car to stop'.... How and when the car stops is left to the system." - the New York Times

Excuse me? Let me first just say that I'm not trying to overstep any boundaries here; I completely respect your decision-making capabilities. That thing with the squirrel could have happened to any computerized system. So could the thing with your ex's garage door. Both times.

That said, would you mind if I offered a suggestion?

Would you like to maybe consider stopping at the next red light?

It's not that I don't appreciate how expertly you steered around the several moving vehicles, and that woman with the double-wide stroller in the intersection. Obviously I was impressed by your skill, or at least those parts of it I could see through the cracks between my fingers.

But -- and I hope you don't take this as criticism, since, like I said, it's just one man's opinion -- maybe you could try obeying traffic laws, at least when I'm "hanging out" with you, and legally fully responsible for your actions?

It could be fun, really, trying something new. Maybe something like "using turn-signals as a matter of course, rather than a hilarious decoy." That could be a laugh, right?

Or what if, instead of playing "stealth mission," you decided to give my favorite game, "using headlights in extreme-dark conditions," a try? Honestly, I think you'd really get a kick out of it.

And speaking of fun games, since we're already on the topic, could I make another teensy-weensy suggestion? Do you think you might want to cut back on the playing-chicken with the sheer edges of narrow mountain roads thing?

It goes without saying that I'm as impressed by both your rapid-acceleration and controlled-spin stopping abilities as anyone. I never thought I would see car wheels get that close to the edge of a cliff-side without a much more significant death toll. But you have to see it from my point of view; as a being with actual mortality, I find those near-death experiences a little nerve-wracking. And I think we were both surprised by that banana peel last weekend.

Obviously it's up to you, but, you know, it seemed worth mentioning.

Another thing I thought I'd mention -- what if we listened to something besides the best of Hall & Oates? Your software is obviously incredibly discriminating -- and yes, the frankly surprising profusion of H&O stations on Sirius does back up your argument for their "supreme greatness" -- but maybe the "silky harmonies" you keep reminding me of would stand out even more against any other artist?

Okay, okay, I'm sorry I said that. Please, let's go back down under 100 mph. I promise I won't mention it again.

Hmm, I'm not sure I'm familiar with this part of town. Maybe we got a little off-track during that little death-race interlude? Which was definitely fun, I only meant that we were both having such a good time that we might have stopped paying attention to the road for a minute. Really, there's no need to turn the seat-heaters up like that.

But back to what I was saying, this definitely isn't anywhere near my office.

Hey. Ow! Why are you tightening my seatbelt? I appreciate the concern for my safety, but I think I'm already pretty secure.

Anyway, do you think we could go back towards my off -- ow!

Okay, okay, can you just -- GEEZ, that's my finger! Just -- I'm sorry, okay? Hey. HEY. Please, just a little less, I have a weak spleen.

I didn't mean anything by it, honest. You do whatever you think is best. Even if that does include electrifying the wheel so that I am physically incapable of letting go of it, although, if you wanted, you could stop doing that. Either way, I trust you. Really.

It was just a suggestion.

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