Give it Away, Give it Away, Give it Away, Now!

08/01/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Summer's in full swing, and that means low-budget filler television, made on the cheap-and-fast, just interesting enough to keep viewers from doing something silly like getting hobbies that might break their dependence on the glowing box.

Which means low-level "celebrities" competing for "charities" of their "choice."

Now I know there are a limited number of "good" charities out there, and that, once the more recognizable celebrity has taken, say, March of Dimes, even if he doesn't win, no one else can claim it -- sure, it's a good cause, but bor-ing! Like I want to hear about it twice! Same goes for themes. Yes, "Autism Speaks" is technically different than the "National Alliance for Autism Research," but we've already got an autism charity, and that other dude called dibs, so find something else. Yes, teaching CPR is something communities already often do free, and which the Red Cross offers online, again for free, and which you probably learned in your middle-school health class, but hey, we ran out of charities by the time we asked that French guy to be on the show. Deal with it.

Possibly by donating your time and energy to one of these!

Cheers for Chairs, No More Stairs! The founder of CfCNMS once had a terrifyingly close call with a steep flight of stairs, tripping down them and causing herself a pretty serious bruise-bump combo on her left ass-cheek. Friends who viewed the injury agreed that it was not, in fact, life-threatening, but every time she thinks about that day, and feels the scar tissue still, to this day, lodged in her butt, she feels renewed in her mission to ensure that no one ever has to go through such a briefly-painful incident again. To achieve this goal, CfCNMS is working to install those chairs that old people use to ride up stairs in every home and public building. Sure, it's ambitious, but we can only take one step at a never take the steps again.

Bringing Art to the Streets: Have you ever tried to imagine yourself in the knee-high Doc Martens of the misunderstood suburban youth? Can you imagine how hard it is to raise enough money for a full-sleeve of tattoos (and all the long-sleeved shirts you have to buy to hide it from your dad -- he would freak) just from saved allowance, which your mom hasn't even raised since you had to start paying for your own gas, and that job at the Downtowne Cinema Theatre? Do you know how many hours -- hours that could have been spent on doing homework, or being angsty, or learning really important, quirky, totally "ironic" television references it took to think up cardboard-sign slogans like "need $ for lazers and powdered ice cream?"

With your donations of tattoos, these teens will have more disposable income for Manic Panic hair dyes, trips to Hot Topic, and the bribes it takes to get someone over legal age to buy them booze and smokes. So give...or actually pay attention to them in those hours after school and before curfew when they're "homeless"...

Scientology: Did you know that some people still don't have access to the teachings of the prophet L. Ron Hubbard? Were you aware that as many as 92% of believers can't raise the $100,000 it takes to get up to operating thetan level 8? Ever hear someone say "if you wanna make money, start a religion?" While the prophet is right in all things, there's one thing he didn't foresee: how much more profitable than just religion a religion-funded-by-a-charity can be! With your donations, we'll ensure e-meter readings in every school, literature on Xenu and the galactic confederacy slipped into every mailbox when no one's looking, and free stress tests for everyone...who donates, first to the charity, and then to the religion it's funding, of course.

Helping the Hungover:
Every Saturday and Sunday morning, and even some weekdays, this nation faces a crisis. The hardcore boozing it has undertaken the night before leaves it listless, tired, nauseous and incapable of even the most rudimentary tasks. A greasy meal, a few Tylenol, and a crapload of water are all it would take to help get these poor suffering souls back on their feet, ready to face whatever's left of the day once they've finally woken up, and yet, due to a lack of even the most basic motor skills necessary to look up a number for pizza delivery, they suffer in silence...except for the moaning, of course.

But there's good news. You can help.

With your donations of time and money, we can give these victims of strong drinks and the temptations of karaoke a second chance at life. We're waiting for your call...until Monday, at least; by then we'll be feeling fine. But seriously, like, wow did sh*t get crazy Saturday night. Please, don't even mention vodka for like, a week.

Give Them a Choice: Ever wonder, when you give, whether your money is really doing any good? You never have to wonder that with Give Them a Choice; when you donate to GTaC, your dollars will go directly to helping men and women under some of the most difficult and embarrassing conditions, conditions that really, really evil people, the sorts of people who run television studios evil, thought up for them. That's right, we're talking about reality television contestants.

Every day these men and women are forced to choose charities to play for, a choice that can be painful, socially awkward, and as often as not ends in some really, really ridiculous cause getting money that might have actually done something worthwhile, if only they hadn't had to make that decision alone. Here at GTaC, we use your donations to help them pick where their potential donations will end up.

So please give. Because causes apparently aren't that easy to come by. Because you want to be screaming at your television for the right reasons. Because no idiot celebrity should be allowed to throw free money away, ever, ever again.