High Fat-shion

06/30/2010 11:01 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

"Plus-Size Revelation: Big Women Have Cash, Too" -- New York Times headline

Recent studies by the fashion industry have shown that large women are not only "people," but that they are people with money!

It may surprise you to learn what else we turned up:

They have "feelings"
-- Though the prevailing theory has long been that the emotions of the fat were buried or even fully smothered under their quadrillions of fat cells, it turns out that just the opposite is true. Indeed, new research is trying to determine whether they may in fact be extra-sensitive, their multitude of flesh serving as a repository for extra nerve receptors.

In keeping with this new finding, it's important to remember that they may respond negatively when referred to as "a fat," "beached whales" or "people I'd rather never have to look at." They likewise do not react well when clothes designed with their multi-roll-needs in mind are referred to as "tarps."

Though it may not come naturally, and may seem almost physically repugnant at first, consider retraining employees and redoing labels and signage to reflect this fact. For example the term "a fat person" humanizes and individualizes those..."people" in a way that's certain to make them buy more of your product.

Their hearing is normal -- Apparently the inner ear is the one area where they don't get bogged down with excess weight!

This little nugget can increase your employee productivity ten-fold, as they'll no longer feel compelled to speak very slowly, and loudly, to fat customers!

Their comprehension is likewise normal
-- Another shocker that's sure to save you time and money!

They can smell -- We were surprised by this one too -- after all, it's common knowledge that the fat smell bad, a result of their inability to maintain proper hygiene in the face of all the folds and dimples, combined with their disinterest in any non-eating activity. Given those facts, we, and likely you, assumed they had simply become totally insensitive to all smells, good and bad, near them.

Not true! Not only can they smell, but their sense of smell very closely mirrors our own, something your fragrance department can use to great advantage. After all, just think how much faster they'll go through one little bottle of perfume with all that surface area!

Though it may seem counter intuitive, resist the urge to create and/or market a specific "for fats" label; you can achieve the same sales in the fat sector through the subtler approach of adding scents with strong bacon-cheeseburger notes to your current line.

They're not contagious -- The only thing that will get fat due to your business's contact with the fat is your wallet! Take their money without fear!

Though it never hurts to have some Purell handy. Better safe than heavy!