07/08/2011 06:45 pm ET | Updated Sep 07, 2011

Hyper-Competitive Daycare Interviews

Welcome to the Warren Day Preparatory Pre-Pre-Preschool for gifted infants. If you come right this way we can start the interview.

Incidentally, I see you're carrying little Hazel in a Baby Bjorn. Of course that won't hurt her chances of acceptance today, but I'll let you know that if Hazel is accepted, we prefer our parents use only ERGObaby brand carriers. It's mainly for consistency, and to ensure that the carrier wasn't purchased at a store like Target, which of course we have nothing against, but refuse, as a school, to support. I'm sure you understand.

Alright, so let's get started. First we're going to be evaluating where Hazel is developmentally.

Has she started teething yet? We pride ourselves on admitting only the most tooth-filled infants into our extremely-early education programs. Really -- do you mind pulling her lips back so I can confirm that? I'm sure you understand that with a program as competitive as ours, we occasionally see parents trying to inflate the number of teeth their children have managed to grow.

I've personally caught several dozen who inserted bridges, dentures and, in one case, Chiclets, loosely glued with what I believe was frosting, into their childrens' mouths. As though we're so easily fooled -- our school doesn't have the highest rate of matriculation to the city's so-called Ivy League of pre-preschools thanks to our pretty faces.

Wonderful -- you must feel so proud to have such an advanced dentent in the family.

If you could just pull back Hazel's sunhat so we could see her hair levels...wonderful. As I'm sure you know, Warren Day is no refuge for the bald. Really, so thick right when she came out? I'll have to confirm that with photos, of course, but that does sound promising. We are always looking to nurture precocious youngsters.

Now I hope you won't take offense at this, Ms. Wilson, but I must say that even with the hair and teeth, Hazel does still look a bit like Winston Churchill. Ideally, we like to weed out those infants with "fat old heads of state" looks; to us, it indicates a still juvenile understanding of facial structure. But in this case it's not a severe resemblance -- we won't make any decisions solely based on that likeness, I assure you.

Alright, now I'm going to ask Hazel to perform a series of diagnostic tests to gauge her general intelligence. Feel free to stay in the room, but I have to warn you that if I see any coaching, I'm going to have to end the interview and deny Hazel's application.

So first we're going to give her this teething ring. She has five minutes, starting... now.

Oh, my, I have never seen an infant applicant put the ring in her mouth so fast. Between you, me and the bed-post, I have seen several infants just this week who didn't even pick up the ring within the time limit, let alone divine its purpose. Though, of course, one of those same infants turned out to have a mouth full of Chiclets.

Moving on, I'm going to ask you to follow me over here, just out of sight. Okay, now when I point at you, I want you to call out to your daughter. Ready? Now.

Look at that -- she looked right at you! Her parental and/or name and/or loud sound recognition levels must be very advanced indeed. Right Hazel? Right? Hazel? Can you look over here? Hazel?

Oh well, anyway, on the official test, she did very well.

Finally, I'm going to have to ask you for the stool samples we requested you bring along. We'll analyze these to determine Hazel's secondary IQ, or "intestinal quotients."

Are there any other achievements of Hazel's you'd like to tell me about before I conclude the interview? Really, a whole jar of strained beef at one sitting? Let me ask you, has she ever shown any brand preference? Only eats the organics, you say? Wonderful. That is just the sort of discernment we look for in our students' bodies.

Well, thank you again for coming by. I can't say anything for sure, especially since we won't have lab results back on this sample for at least a week, but I'll tell you, even with the Churchilliness, I think Hazel's chances are very good. If things go the way I expect they will, I see Hazel going far at Warren Day. As soon as she starts walking, that is.