I'd Never Lie(bel) to You!

07/23/2009 12:29 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

"Actress Kate Beckinsale accepted 20,000 pounds in libel damages...over a story in Britain's Daily Express newspaper that she was set to miss out on her dream role as Barbarella.... Beckinsale was never in discussions about the film role and there was never a possibility she would be part of the project. It followed that she had not been passed the story claimed...Her solicitor, Graham Atkins, [said] the story...was entirely false and had caused considerable embarrassment and harm." - Reuters, 7/9/09

Other actions it is rumored Ms. Beckinsale has pending: (the author would like to make sure everyone noticed that she put "rumored" in there. She is not a reporter, and does not lay claim to factual accuracy in this, or any of her works. In fact, she lays claim to total inaccuracy. Ms. Beckinsale, the author really hopes you're listening...)

* In the comments section to a Rotten Tomatoes article, user EaTmE10389 claimed that "Kate Beckinsale's pretty bone-worthy, but she ain't got nothing on Keira Knightley. Even just seeing her name makes me have to go change my pants..." Ms. Beckinsale's attorney responded with a civil suit, noting that the statement caused considerable emotional damage, and that "Ms. Knightley is a blonde, whereas Ms. Beckinsale is a brunette, so even comparing their sexual appeal is, we believe, a false dichotomy."

* Though her attorneys couldn't be reached, it's rumored Ms. Beckinsale is considering action against online celebrity and film database,, for listing her height as 5'7". According to medical records she intends to procure, she is 5'7½" tall, a half-inch which she and her legal team believe is a determining factor in her ability to work on projects of her choice in the future.

* Ms. Beckinsale may currently be suing United Airlines. On a recent flight, on which she traveled first class, she distinctly saw the gentleman in the row in front of her eating cookies, but when the attendant came to her seat, all she had to choose from was pretzels or peanuts. Ms. Beckinsale feels that, due to her British accent, this American-based airline discriminated against her. A United spokesman responded "we tried to explain to her that we ran out of cookies, but she just wouldn't listen."

Ms. Beckinsale has indicated that if, in fact, she follows through with the suit, it would only be so that more people become aware of the difficulties incredibly attractive, wealthy, famous women from the Western world face on a daily basis.

* On a May 2009 elevator ride in Los Angeles, Ms. Beckinsale boarded only to find that it smelled like really, really, really bad bean-induced gas. As there was only one gentleman on the elevator at the time, Ms. Beckinsale assumed he was the dealer of said gas, and attempted to politely endure the rest of her ride.

Unfortunately, on the fourth floor, the elevator opened and let in two more riders. As there was not good circulation, the smell had lingered, and, when one of the new riders made a slight face, Ms. Beckinsale saw the man originally on the elevator point discreetly towards her.


* According to Ms. Beckinsale's attorney, a recent photo shoot for Diesel jeans "made her ass look unrealistically fat. Her ass is at least three inches smaller than it appears in those images, and the damage the misrepresentation has caused is irreversible." That said, Ms. Beckinsale has indicated she will accept a few thousand dollars.

* Ms. Beckinsale recently purchased multiple cases of Sunny Delight in order to quickly prepare for a role in which her naturally pale skin needed to take on a sun-kissed hue. Unfortunately, their claim that they've been "bottling sunshine since 1964" did not deliver as effectively as Ms. Beckinsale believed it would.

Double sued.

* Unconfirmed rumors indicate that Ms. Beckinsale's attorney is filing suit against this