Let's Monetize that High School!

04/27/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

School districts across the country are facing budget cuts and layoffs, but enterprising teachers, like Jeb Harrison in Idaho, are finding selling adspace on their tests! Here's a few other ways to make sure your school still keeps offering top-notch education...almost as top notch as the flavors you'll find at Pizza Hut!

In the Classroom:
Selling your body as a permanent billboard, courtesy of tattoo artists, is old news. Which is why the history and economics departments should be required to do so to bring their subjects to life! Involve the math department by reminding them that, if x is the minimum budget required to pay teachers' salaries this year and y is the revenue increase that body tattoos could offer, you can bring z, the number of teachers fired (which corresponds 1 to 1 with the number of teachers forced to teach extra subjects they don't know anything about) down to zero! The English department can make sure all ads are grammatically correct, including the ones on their foreheads! The art department...well let's be real, if you haven't already cut them, they're hardly going to need any convincing on this one. Hippies.

On the Playing Field:
Sure, you've already rented out the pointless white space on your scoreboard, bleachers, gym floor, football field, and uniforms to local businesses, but why not make the players do their part, too? After all, there's no "poor" in team, now is there? Encourage individuals to find sponsorships - if they get a national campaign, they're sure to make varsity!

Honor(ary) Roll:
In real life, the more money you give to an organization, the more worthy of higher-ups' personal attention you are. See: funding for public television, lists of contributors to the opera, NAMBLA. Introduce a new option to teach real-life lessons with the honor...ary roll! Families that contribute $250 this year not only get a tax write-off, they get to drop Billy's lowest grade when averages are being worked out. Silver circle status, more résumé worthy than any number of A-honor rolls, can be your son or daughter's for as little as $5000!

Dress Codes:
Dress codes have been shown to lead to increased discipline and better focus amongst students...and now they can be a source of revenue, too! Every infraction of school-determined 'decency' codes will cost you a mere $5, with a discount rate of $20 a week to wear whatever you please, year-round! Put the high disposable income-rates of your teen population to' it!

In the Cafeteria:
Anorexia is a horrible disease that affects as many as a quarter of young men and women by the time they reach their twenties...and just think of what a kick in the bottom line that is for your lunch service! Treat this problem by hanging "aspirational" photos of celebrities like John Goodman, Rosie O'Donnell, and those twins on motorcycles from the Guinness book of world records around the lunchroom, and, just in case kids don't get the message, quadruple the cost of diet sodas as a stopgap. Maybe consider selling select major-name cigarette brands at the register (undoubtedly you could work out a deal to get these donated - pure profit!)...of course with strict oversight in place so that no underage students encounter sinful, deadly tobacco. Even just 50% of the bribes the sophomores offer would keep your whole lunch staff employed for years to come!