THE BLOG
09/10/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Mariah's Diary

"Feuding stars Eminem [and] Mariah Carey [are] 'Obsessed' with each other...Long after the stars may or may not have had a brief romantic entanglement, they have been sniping at each other in song. In the latest development, Eminem on Thursday released a new track 'The Warning,' in which he goes into explicit -- often embarrassing -- details about their alleged fling in 2001. (Carey has said it never happened.)" - Reuters

Dear Diary,

I can't believe that my former honey Eminem is still into me. I mean, like, you'd think that a tattoo that represents my dedication to Nick (and is a totally cute butterfly, which shows how much I've flown away from the past, except for the awesome parts, like my great Grammy-winning albums! Duh!) would prove to him that I'm totally over it.

I mean, it's not like that song was really about him. Like, it could have been about anyone who wears hoodies like his and who I used to date and who wrote songs where they try to say total lies about our former relationship. Which no one has even proved happened, so there.

At this rate he'll end up writing more songs about me than he did about Kim! That would be so embarrassing. I think I'll call up Us Weekly and let them know how totally embarrassing that would be, so they know, and more importantly so he knows, how little I care what he thinks! I bet that will work better than sweet, sweet medicine.

- <3 Mimi

Dear Diary,

Oh my god, you won't believe what happened today! My emotions are still all out of whack, I'll probably have to fake snore in at least 3 octaves tonight so Nick thinks I'm asleep! It's so sweet - he stays up watching me until he's sure I'm asleep, and checks my alarm so he can make sure to wake up at least ten minutes before me. Once I woke up in the night to go to the bathroom, and I could have sworn he was awake, watching me, but then he rolled over so I wouldn't know. A-DORable!

Anyway, this morning I woke up and I just had a feeling something was off. I swear, I have a sixth sense or something. That, and it smelled like burning grass.

So I looked out the window and the lawn was on fire! But not just any fire - it spelled out "Bitch" in flames.

That was always Em's nickname for me, so I was pretty sure it was from him (it may have been from Nickie, he likes the whole 'dramatic romantic gesture' thing, like refusing to let me leave my bed all day and bringing me all my meals on a platter, or cutting our phone lines and blowing fuses so that we can only pay attention to each other by candlelight, or cutting my name into his arm with his shaving razor, but he only ever calls me "goddess," so I figured it wasn't him this time)

I mean, pretty flattering, but for god's sake, move on already. ;p

I called his cell phone to tell him that, but he didn't answer, so I texted, and then called his publicist to find out where he was, and she got all up in my face (like, did she know who she was talking to?), so I just called his phone a few more times and left a couple messages to make sure he knew that I was not amused. And to let him know how long it took me to burn out the whole patch so Nick would believe I backfired the lawnmower - he thinks it's so cute when I try and do 'man jobs' like that, especially when I mess them up.

Do you think he'll call me back? Like, I hope he doesn't, because I want him out of my life, not even more obsessed with me, but it would be...satisfying, just to, you know, tell him off.

- <3 Mimi

Dear Diary,

So since last time I may have lit a few bags full of my little snookums's yuckies on Em's doorstep. And I may have arranged them to spell "Slim," which is what he made me call him back in the day.

I just wanted him to know that I knew that it was him who had scorched my lawn! I guess I am a pretty imperfect angel, huh? ;)

I think it worked, though - last night I saw him do an interview on MTV and he totally talked about me, like, four times. He said some really nasty things, about stuff we used to do, and videos he still had and stuff (which I know is a lie - they were only ever on my camera, and I, like, totally erased them, so as far as the world knows, there are no videos. Okay, okay, I can't lie to you diary - I didn't erase all of them. They're on a Zip drive, though, so, like, pretty much as good as erased!), but it totally proves that he can't get me out of his head.

I'm gonna go drive by his house and see if I can see him in there, but just to know whether he's still thinking about me. I'll have to tell Nick I'm getting a milkshake or something. And I'm going to need to find a new place to put you - he's getting just a little too 'loving' lately. I don't mind if he reads my decoy diary to know what to buy me, but he probably wouldn't get how over Em I am if he read you. Guys get so jealous that way.

- <3 Mimi

Dear Diary,

I've been sitting here for an hour and he still won't show up. I just need to see his face, to...to like, I dunno, remind myself how over him I am. Why won't he come outside? Or just pass in front of a window?

I'm going to have to leave soon - I called Nick, and he said some car was sitting outside our house, but that he could see a guy in it, and it made him worried for me, so I can't put that off much longer. Jeez, because one sweet, drunken day you use your whole back for my name I'm supposed to jump whenever you say so?

Oh my god, some woman just pulled into the driveway. Who the hell thinks she can come over here on my watch and get with my ex...I mean, I don't care about him any more, but every tramp he's with makes our time together look cheaper, that's all. Whatever, her ass looks fat in those pants, and I can see that weave from here.

I just need to see him, just once, just so I can let him know how much I totally don't care what he has to say, how annoying it is for him to be so obsessed with me.

God, why won't he take my call?? I'll just try his home phone. And his cell again. Just so he hears it from me that I need him to back off...

- <3 Mimi