Circa 250 B.C.:
Archimedes: Eureka! I have finally discovered the solution. EUREKA!!!
Cop: Everything all right over here sir?
Archimedes: Alright? It's brilliant! I've discovered not only a way to solve the king's particular problem, but a new scientific principle altogether! The world will forever remember this day!
Cop: Alright, sir, and when you were discovering... [looks down at notebook] "a new scientific principle," did you take the time to discover your pants?
Archimedes: [looking down, confusedly] Oh. Oh my, I suppose I didn't even... in my excitement I neglected to dress, you're right.
Cop: "In your excitement?" I assume that excitement was of age and consenting? Or at the very least your personal catamite? We don't take kindly to catamite-poaching in this neck of Syracuse.
Archimedes: No, no, you misunderstand me, it wasn't like that at all. I was merely sitting in my bath, contemplating...
Cop: Sir, the rules of our public baths are posted in the facilities, and they clearly state that no catamitery is to be engaged in between the hours of...
Archimedes: But I told you, I wasn't with my catamite
Cop: IF you'll let me finish. Furthermore, towels and/or loincloths are to be worn at all times, in order to ensure the cleanliness of the baths for all future visitors, as well as to prevent Diogenes imitators from clouding the waters.
Archimedes: [exasperated] Yes, yes, I know all that -- I wasn't in a public bath, I was in my own tub at home.
Cop: And you ran outside, from your home, stark naked. You expect me to believe that?
Archimedes: It's the truth! The thrill of discovery was so great, I...
Cop: I'm gonna need you to come with me, sir. And put this around you [tosses a back-toga-pocket bandana]
Archimedes: But I'm only doing the king's work! He specifically asked me to...
Cop: You and every other loony I pick up. This way, sir.
Three days later, he made bail.
Michelangelo: [brightly, with flair] It's FIN-ished! Take a look at your brand-new ceiling!
Pope Julius II: Oh it's... it's... very detailed.
Michelangelo: Well, glorying God deserves a little extra effort, if you ask me.
Pope Julius II: [squirming a bit] And so... imaginative.
Michelangelo: Is something wrong?
Pope Julius II: No, no, not wrong, it's just...
Michelangelo: Spit it out. What do you want to say?
Pope Julius II: Well, that part right there -- you see where I'm pointing?
Michelangelo: Of course, it's my central image. God touches Adam to give him life.
Pope Julius II: Doesn't that read a little... well... gay to you?
Michelangelo: What? Oh my GOD, are you serious? It is a metaphor for the creation for Christ's sake! I thought churchmen were supposed to have cleaner minds.
Pope Julius II: The metaphor is beautiful, I love the idea -- really -- but... well come on, does he have to be touching him there?
Michelangelo: Um, "multiply and go forth" ring a bell? How do you think that happens, pixie dust?
Pope Julius II: No, of course not, I just...
Michelangelo: [mocking] You just, you just -- you know what, how about I just redo the whole Goddammed thing, how's that sound?
Pope Julius II: I didn't say that, really, the more I look at it...
Michelangelo: No, I insist. I wouldn't want "his holiness" to be plagued by something so impure.
Pope Julius II: Mike, calm down, I didn't mean to off...
Michelangelo: No, you know what? Just stop. Damage done. But I'm telling you right now that I'm gonna be pretty busy whenever you get around to finally doing that whole "Moroccan" theme you've been talking about for the guest bedroom. Pretty busy indeed.
Alexander Graham Bell: [into a phone mouthpiece] Mr Watson -- come here -- I want to see you.
Watson: [enters through a door off to the left] Yes?
AGB: Wait, wait, did you hear that?
Watson: Of course. That's why I'm here.
AGB: Not through the door, though -- on the telephone machine?
AGB: [giddy] Then we've done it! Huzzah! [They gambol about in delight. They are interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing in the other room]
AGB: Is that the phone? You'd better get it, Watson!
Watson [on his phone] Hello?
On Phone: I know what you're wearing.
On Phone: Under your clothes. Do you want to know what I'm wearing under mine?
Watson: [hangs up and runs into the adjoining room, where AGB is sitting peacefully, reading a book]
AGB: Who was it, Watson?
Watson: Well, obviously it was you -- why did you say that stuff? Are you alright?
AGB: [nonplussed] I have absolutely no idea to what you refer.
Watson: [doubtful] But I...
AGB: [rings sound in the other room] The phone, Watson. Be so kind as to run and pick it up.
Watson: [frowning slightly] Hello?
On Phone: I'm taking off my left stocking-garter. Oooh! And now my right. It feels so deliciously naughty...
Watson: [slams down phone and runs into other room] What are you talking about taking off stockings for? Are you... do you need to tell me something?
AGB: Stockings? My stockings seem in good repair, do you find fault with them?
Watson: But I heard you! On the phone!
AGB: I don't know what you're talking about my man, but I must say it's beginning to annoy me.
Watson: But there's no one who...
AGB: Not another word. And Watson?
AGB: You owe me $4.99 for the first minute, and $0.99 for each minute after that, payable immediately by check or money order.
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