07/30/2009 09:15 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Much Ado About...

"Jackie Kennedy had a four-year love affair with Bobby Kennedy that began not long after JFK's explosive new book claims. [...socialite Mary] Harrington recalled 'I was shocked. It was clear that Bobby was sleeping with his sister-in-law.'" -The New York Post

Everyone's always thought of JFK's presidency as a golden time, but recent revelations about the sex-life of his former wife indicate that we weren't living in the Arthurian legend we thought we were. Camelot? More like Ham-a...let.

But even more shocking than the fact that you now have to try to picture Jackie as a "Gertrude," (that name has cankles) is the fact that long before JFK, presidents were unwittingly patterning their lives after the words of the immortal bard.

Titus Andron-missus

Nowadays James Madison's presidency is mostly remembered for coming after Jefferson's, but back in the day he was known as a ruthless man who would stop at nothing to vanquish his social and political foes.

Though it was never reported in the legitimate press at the time, it was widely rumored that Madison once revenged himself on a young man who insulted his wife, refusing to dance with her at a ball of state, claiming "verily, she is an fattie," by killing the man's fiancé. It was Dolly's idea to bake her remains into what she dubbed "a chick-pot-pie" and serve it as a 'peace offering' to the man in question.

The founders of the Dolly Madison bakery corporation actually meant to reference this legend with their choice of name, but fortunately for them, people just assumed they were referring to the junk in Dolly's trunk.

A Mid-bummer's Night's Dream

Rutherford B. Hayes had one of the biggest beards of any president, but it wasn't his wife's fault; she had a gland problem. Not that ol' Ruthie, who liked to call himself the "King of the Faeries," noticed, as he spent all his time turning his "head" into the "ass" of a "Bottom," if you get my drift...


Calvin Coolidge may have been dubbed "Silent Cal" by friends and enemies alike, but beneath the still waters of his exterior was a frothing sea of jealousy. His first three wives' bodies have never been recovered, but...

Wait, what's that? You just assumed this one was gonna be about Obama? You know, racism makes the spirit of Calvin Coolidge very, very angry...

The Comedy of Pair-ers!

Millard Fillmore's wife was one of a pair of identical twins, a fact that was hilariously revealed to him when said wife found him in bed with her sister, which led to Millard's hilarious quip "looks like I sure got to fill-more tonight, eh? Eh?"

Apparently his wife didn't have such a good laugh about it the second through thirty-seventh times that this incident reoccurred.

Tempest in a Teapot

Martin VanBuren was often referred to as "The Little Magician," a fact which historians explain as a dual reference to his secretive nature and miniscule stature.

In reality, he was a warlock who was able to channel the powerful hatred of all the deformed, bitter slaves he owned (why he was so into amputees is another question for another time, of course) and turn it against his opponent through the use of his magical abilities. How else can you explain such a wee, sneaky little man ever becoming president?

Twelfth Night, or What he Wore

Lincoln was a regular cross-dresser, and, despite his incredible height and chimney-brush beard, fooled at least a few people when he was en femme, most notably John Wilkes Booth, who was not a very good sport about it.