THE BLOG
10/14/2011 01:43 pm ET | Updated Dec 14, 2011

New Movies From Mattel

To the Dreamworks production staff,

We're so pleased to see that our Rock'em Sock'em Robots movie has done so well! Some people said a movie about a vague future where Hugh Jackman plays Wii boxing with massive metal robots was sure to be terrible, but then some people prefer UNO classic to UNO Flash and UNO Attack -- there's obviously no accounting for taste!

We're sending along a few more original treatments for your consideration -- enjoy!

*Deep Hunger in association with Hasbro

A rugged-looking Robert Downey Jr. -- his jeans will probably be pretty frayed -- is lost in the jungle with his sheltered nephew, Christopher (we're seeing Jude Law?), and no access to a jetpack programmed towards "civilization,'" over-the-counter allergy medicine or more than 2G cell-speeds.

Needless to say, the heartwarming relationship between these two is undergoing some strain. As well as some mild throat irritation and dry eyes.

That is until the hippos -- all of whom will be played by Tyler Perry as Madea as a hippo -- attack the village where RDJ and Christopher have been buying their nutrition packs, gobbling up villagers insatiably.

The orange and pink hippos aren't eating quite as many villagers -- which should lead to a pretty hilarious Madea riff! -- but they're all hungry. These are hungry, hungry hippos.

Eventually, RDJ finds some land mines and feeds the hippos those -- end on a close-shot of Madippo grunting "I'm full to bursting," then BOOM. Incapacitated by raging indigestion, the result of eating too fast.

* A Dreamhouse for Two

From the outside, it looks like Barbie and Ken have the perfect life together. He has brilliant careers as a doctor, male model, race car driver, and guy with frosted-tips, she can regrow her hair whenever she wants.

But inside the hard-plastic shell of their picturesque lives, things aren't so perfect as they seem.

They don't have genitals.

Remember Revolutionary Road? We should make sure to imply this is a lot like that.

* M. Night Shyamalan Presents: The Tube

One night Sam Worthington goes to bed a regular, healthy, almost forgettable-looking construction worker, the next he wakes up inside "the tube," a sterile, curved world of translucent purple plastic and possible death-by-crushing!

A Saw type figure, played by Tyler Perry as Madea in a horrific Richard Nixon mask, taunts the survivors with his eerie song "kerplunk kerplunk, marbles on your head, I pull out another stick, and you'll be dead."

But urban-sounding, like a "rap."

The survivors only have two choices -- turn upon one another in a frenzy that threatens them just as surely as the massive spheroids trapped in a web of flimsy supports just over their heads, or use the outer wall as a guide to find the exit.

But here's the catch -- just as they're about to make it to the freedom of a life lived outside purple walls, we cut to the hospital where Sam Worthington, fever-dreaming in an MRI machine, lies paralyzed, the tragic result of an accident with a dropped wrecking ball at a construction site.

The sticks which make up the web may be straight but that's one hell of a twist, right?

* High School Musical The Game: The Movie

Your favorite singing stars are back in this movie about a trivia championship about their time in high school, emceed by Tyler Perry, as played by Martin Lawrence.

Simultaneously a meta-narrative reminiscent of Buñuel or Godard at their most abstract, and a High School Musical movie, reminiscent of millions upon millions of dollars in merchandising opportunities (Zac Efron has already signed on to voice the part of the buzzer in a High School Musical The Game: The Movie: The Game game!) this is sure to be a hit with kids and parents who would rather give their kids $20 to spend on High School Musical products than sit through another High School Musical movie alike!