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Jilly Gagnon Headshot

New Movies From Mattel

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To the Dreamworks production staff,

We're so pleased to see that our Rock'em Sock'em Robots movie has done so well! Some people said a movie about a vague future where Hugh Jackman plays Wii boxing with massive metal robots was sure to be terrible, but then some people prefer UNO classic to UNO Flash and UNO Attack -- there's obviously no accounting for taste!

We're sending along a few more original treatments for your consideration -- enjoy!

*Deep Hunger in association with Hasbro

A rugged-looking Robert Downey Jr. -- his jeans will probably be pretty frayed -- is lost in the jungle with his sheltered nephew, Christopher (we're seeing Jude Law?), and no access to a jetpack programmed towards "civilization,'" over-the-counter allergy medicine or more than 2G cell-speeds.

Needless to say, the heartwarming relationship between these two is undergoing some strain. As well as some mild throat irritation and dry eyes.

That is until the hippos -- all of whom will be played by Tyler Perry as Madea as a hippo -- attack the village where RDJ and Christopher have been buying their nutrition packs, gobbling up villagers insatiably.

The orange and pink hippos aren't eating quite as many villagers -- which should lead to a pretty hilarious Madea riff! -- but they're all hungry. These are hungry, hungry hippos.

Eventually, RDJ finds some land mines and feeds the hippos those -- end on a close-shot of Madippo grunting "I'm full to bursting," then BOOM. Incapacitated by raging indigestion, the result of eating too fast.

* A Dreamhouse for Two

From the outside, it looks like Barbie and Ken have the perfect life together. He has brilliant careers as a doctor, male model, race car driver, and guy with frosted-tips, she can regrow her hair whenever she wants.

But inside the hard-plastic shell of their picturesque lives, things aren't so perfect as they seem.

They don't have genitals.

Remember Revolutionary Road? We should make sure to imply this is a lot like that.

* M. Night Shyamalan Presents: The Tube

One night Sam Worthington goes to bed a regular, healthy, almost forgettable-looking construction worker, the next he wakes up inside "the tube," a sterile, curved world of translucent purple plastic and possible death-by-crushing!

A Saw type figure, played by Tyler Perry as Madea in a horrific Richard Nixon mask, taunts the survivors with his eerie song "kerplunk kerplunk, marbles on your head, I pull out another stick, and you'll be dead."

But urban-sounding, like a "rap."

The survivors only have two choices -- turn upon one another in a frenzy that threatens them just as surely as the massive spheroids trapped in a web of flimsy supports just over their heads, or use the outer wall as a guide to find the exit.

But here's the catch -- just as they're about to make it to the freedom of a life lived outside purple walls, we cut to the hospital where Sam Worthington, fever-dreaming in an MRI machine, lies paralyzed, the tragic result of an accident with a dropped wrecking ball at a construction site.

The sticks which make up the web may be straight but that's one hell of a twist, right?

* High School Musical The Game: The Movie

Your favorite singing stars are back in this movie about a trivia championship about their time in high school, emceed by Tyler Perry, as played by Martin Lawrence.

Simultaneously a meta-narrative reminiscent of Buñuel or Godard at their most abstract, and a High School Musical movie, reminiscent of millions upon millions of dollars in merchandising opportunities (Zac Efron has already signed on to voice the part of the buzzer in a High School Musical The Game: The Movie: The Game game!) this is sure to be a hit with kids and parents who would rather give their kids $20 to spend on High School Musical products than sit through another High School Musical movie alike!