01/31/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Quiz: Which Gothic Novel Are You In?

2008 was a dark and stormy year, full of desperate men and women, and horrible, unspeakable (Um, okay, wow, apparently they are speakable) deeds. But under just which heavy pall of gothically-tinged-greys are you living? Take this handy quiz and see which evil puppeteer's stage you've been thrust onto...and make sure to plan accordingly!

1. First things first: what's your name?

A.) Something descriptive of you as a person, like Picknose, or Jerkfaise, or Burnhard, Madoff.. Alternately, your name is one syllable...but you still don't know how to spell it.
B.) The weight of sorrow crushing down on your spirit since your beloved cousin-child-wife died leaves you incapable of bothering with such futile endeavors as names.
C.) Mostly you just go by "Father."
D.) Pick up a nearby Farmer's Almanac - the 1902 edition will do just fine. Most popular baby names of the year: Agnes, Wendorf, Rosalind, and First & Second Samuel. Take your pick!
E.) Think of your favorite number, take the math-class root, and add a latin-sounding suffix. Septimus. Hexatrice. Dodecahedsar. And your nemesis will be...Johnathan.

2. What's your financial portfolio look like lately?

A.) Abject with a touch of galloping consumption, but cheery. No, really!
B.) A portrait of great wealth...decayed.
C.) Tithes ain't what they used to be.
D.) It's looking like the only one in its sector not to be completely drained dry...
E.) You live off the life blood of the faithful, pulling a few into a select inner circle to do the same to others. Where that leaves you is...unclear

3. You are a tireless crusader...

A.) Against Midwestern child labor laws
B.) Against the incredibly narrow definition of marriage. Just push it a little further. A little further yet...
C.) Against the Bush administration's torture regime - an inquisitor as grand as Cheney should wield his power openly, the better to govern through fear. Also, you're pushing the incest agenda.
D.) Against meat-eating...well, of a sort...
E.) Against the waste from people who don't live in passive houses, very passive, and very, very tightly sealed houses.

4. Next year you resolve to...

A.) Get out of this street life once and for all. As long as Ol' Missus Johnston doesn't chase you down and drag you back into a life of crime!
B.) Root out the corruption pulsing at the base of your force, if necessary.
C.) Not impregnate your sister or murder family members...or at least not get caught doing it.
D.) Grow your damned HAIR BACK!
E.) Ease up on the news media - that vein has been tapped dry.


A's - You have three or four personality traits, like "fidgety" or "long-winded" or "asshole," and you display them every time you appear on the scene - why bother with shades of grey when black and white is so much simpler? This, and your sexy, waifish, gruel-thin figure makes you Dickensian! Enjoy it...until you die of a wasting disease.

B's - Nevermore? More like welcome back, Mr. Poe. For reference: when burying your former lovers, use money - it's more durable, and damning, than dirt, floorboards, or collapsing dynasties.

C's - You may not have heard of The Monk, or even met a monk, but I bet you're wanting to read it now, right?

D's - Oh the smouldering, the deep, dark smoulderingness of teen written by a Mormon. Yup - you're in Twilight. Also, you're smouldering.

E's - Your bloodsucking is unparalleled, which has done you as well in this economy as it has in your Transylvanian past, Dracula. Now if only you could FIND a hundred virgins to slice open and fill your bathtub with these days - I tell ya', the times they are a changin.