Quiz: Which Gothic Novel Are You In?

2008 was a dark and stormy year, full of desperate men and women, and horrible, unspeakable (Um, okay, wow, apparently they are speakable) deeds. But under just which heavy pall of gothically-tinged-greys are you living? Take this handy quiz and see which evil puppeteer's stage you've been thrust onto...and make sure to plan accordingly!

1. First things first: what's your name?

A.) Something descriptive of you as a person, like Picknose, or Jerkfaise, or Burnhard Madman...er, Madoff.. Alternately, your name is one syllable...but you still don't know how to spell it.
B.) The weight of sorrow crushing down on your spirit since your beloved cousin-child-wife died leaves you incapable of bothering with such futile endeavors as names.
C.) Mostly you just go by "Father."
D.) Pick up a nearby Farmer's Almanac - the 1902 edition will do just fine. Most popular baby names of the year: Agnes, Wendorf, Rosalind, and First & Second Samuel. Take your pick!
E.) Think of your favorite number, take the math-class root, and add a latin-sounding suffix. Septimus. Hexatrice. Dodecahedsar. And your nemesis will be...Johnathan.

2. What's your financial portfolio look like lately?

A.) Abject with a touch of galloping consumption, but cheery. No, really!
B.) A portrait of great wealth...decayed.
C.) Tithes ain't what they used to be.
D.) It's looking like the only one in its sector not to be completely drained dry...
E.) You live off the life blood of the faithful, pulling a few into a select inner circle to do the same to others. Where that leaves you is...unclear

3. You are a tireless crusader...

A.) Against Midwestern child labor laws
B.) Against the incredibly narrow definition of marriage. Just push it a little further. A little further yet...
C.) Against the Bush administration's torture regime - an inquisitor as grand as Cheney should wield his power openly, the better to govern through fear. Also, you're pushing the incest agenda.
D.) Against meat-eating...well, of a sort...
E.) Against the waste from people who don't live in passive houses, very passive, and very, very tightly sealed houses.

4. Next year you resolve to...

A.) Get out of this street life once and for all. As long as Ol' Missus Johnston doesn't chase you down and drag you back into a life of crime!
B.) Root out the corruption pulsing at the base of your manse...by force, if necessary.
C.) Not impregnate your sister or murder family members...or at least not get caught doing it.
D.) Grow your damned HAIR BACK!
E.) Ease up on the news media - that vein has been tapped dry.

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY...

A's - You have three or four personality traits, like "fidgety" or "long-winded" or "asshole," and you display them every time you appear on the scene - why bother with shades of grey when black and white is so much simpler? This, and your sexy, waifish, gruel-thin figure makes you Dickensian! Enjoy it...until you die of a wasting disease.

B's - Nevermore? More like welcome back, Mr. Poe. For reference: when burying your former lovers, use money - it's more durable, and damning, than dirt, floorboards, or collapsing dynasties.

C's - You may not have heard of The Monk, or even met a monk, but I bet you're wanting to read it now, right?

D's - Oh the smouldering, the deep, dark smoulderingness of teen awakening...as written by a Mormon. Yup - you're in Twilight. Also, you're smouldering.

E's - Your bloodsucking is unparalleled, which has done you as well in this economy as it has in your Transylvanian past, Dracula. Now if only you could FIND a hundred virgins to slice open and fill your bathtub with these days - I tell ya', the times they are a changin.

Comments

[Tallulah Morehead - Huffpost Blogger]

Well my answers were:

1. A.
2. B.
3. B.
4. D,

What does that mean? My third husband was Count Vlad Tepes. Does that count towards my score? It only lasted one night. He got so drunk on the high alcohol content of my blood that he forgot to go back to his coffin, and dizzolved when the sun rose. It was very tragic. I gave the castle to Renfield, and returned to Hollywood, now as Countess Tallulah. It's in my book.
Cheers darling.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

Probably for the best - think of waking up next to him for eternity. And NOT being able to process martinis! Unacceptable.

[ErvinA]

Oh, God, I'm stuck in TWILIGHT. Somebody please kill me and make it messy, blood spurting from my bitten neck as if from a fountain...that kind of bloody; nothing worse than a bloodless vampire tale. And can I please get some Hammer Horror BRIDES OF DRACULA style bosomy vampire vixens to take off their tops and seduce all the men AND women? Please, I'm begging you, help. If I'm stuck in PG13 vampire land, I need to rescuing! There's no fate worse than TWILIGHT. Eeep!

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

You mean you don't love relatively insipid characters spouting repeated adjectives and fainting a lot? Why not?

[jillsond]

Jeez, really! Can you counsel my daughter on the non-qualities of the Twilight series? I'm afraid its a gateway to Harlequin Romances.

[JenAVD]

Okay, so I'm smouldering in the deep, dark smoulderingness of teen awakening (ah, such fond memories) but really, must I read Twilight?

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

No one will force that on you. NO ONE.

[TMLong]

Oh Poe... how I love thee.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

Do you still have all your teeth? Or is your marriage becoming Poe-esque?

[jillsond]

Always suspected I was an A hole! Thanks for confirming my suspicions!

That was wickedly fun. Thanks for the post.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

thank you for reading it! To A-holes!

[Dan Sweeney - Huffpost Blogger]

I'm Dickensian. But that's to be expected. This is after all, the best of times, and the worst of times. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to visit my local barber so he can apply some leeches before I meet my death from dropsy.

Also, wow, that Twilight book was phenomenally bad. Remind me why that's a best seller again?

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

Because phenomenally bad WRITING and phenomenally bad PLOT are two different things. Almost. See: the davinci code.

[janiemay]

So basically I'm a vampire, but I can't drink, smoke, or eat cheeseburgers? Not that cool.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

you CAN do all these things. Buffy is an unmentioned "alternate" option.

[KentPM]

I'll take the Buffy option. And David Boreanaz definitely smouldered. I believe my exact words were when I first saw the show were "My God that boy smoulders."

So much better than this Twilight nonsense.

[pandanose]

I think I need more options. Do I really have to be smoldering? I'd rather be in a slightly less embarrassing vampire novel. Oh, wait...

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

What's embarrassing about deeply sexy 17 year olds? Oh, wait...

[kparadis]

Very Nice. I am a vampire. Clearly. I think my name would be something like Elizabeth or Octimus (though that might be taken). Also my cult would be gorgeous queer men and women who prey on....oooo dear I am thinking WAY to much about this! Great piece! Keep up the awesome-ness!

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks! I WISH i would be a vampire, for obvious reasons like vanity, but would probably end up a background-player-chimney sweep in Oliver Twist...

[bgrotto]

Great piece! Very well-done!

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks so much! I had fun with it...