08/03/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Vatican Investigating American Nuns; Dan Brown to "Write" Novel About It

Recently, Cardinal Franc Rode ordered a large-scale investigation of some hundreds of American religious orders in an effort to determine whether modern-day brides of Christ are, in fact, living up to their wifely duties.

Some hours after the Vatican's announcement, Dan Brown issued a press release indicating that he plans to address the topic in a new novel.

"The depth of Catholic cruelty and conspiracy has not yet been plumbed" Brown said, in a 'written' statement delivered to USA Today's "USA Weekend" magazine, an outlet Brown considers a perfect venue to reach his readership . "If you think that The DaVinci Code was revealing, wait until you see what I have no doubt I will manage to uncover for my new book, tentatively titled Get Thee Away From a Nunnery."

The fact that the investigation around which his new novel will be based has not yet taken place did not seem to faze Brown. "This is just a modern instance of a church cover-up that I can guarantee my research will imply goes back centuries, ever since the early nuns all lezzed out together in Renaissance Europe. I intend to trace that cover-up back to its scintillating roots, where I expect to find loads of lies, murders, and whips. Loads of whips."

The Vatican issued a statement that "this is in fact a doctrinal investigation attempting to uncover whether nuns' lifestyles are still in line with church teachings," adding that "it will mostly consist of voluntary mail-in questionnaires."

"Brides of Christ," Brown added, eyebrow raised, "or brides of small animals, routinely subjecting said vermin, themselves, and anyone else foolish enough to come into their 'folds,' to sexually ritualized sadomasochistic torture techniques, capable even of killing to protect their deep, deep blood secrets?" Nodding slowly, he added "I just lay out the 'facts' as I see fit to interpret them. You can judge for yourself."

Though the novel is not yet finished, Ron Howard has agreed to direct the movie adaptation of it. Sources say that his contract was signed in some strange, coagulated red ink, and was spotted with what appeared to be tears.