07/23/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

What Else "Wouldn't" He Hurt? On Flies and Presidents...

From the beginning, President Obama has been just set on offending everyone he could. Even before taking office he had an Islamic middle name that made good Amurricans nervous, then he wouldn't start being president, even when we asked really nicely, just because some other guy was still in office, and now, he's murdering defenseless, beautiful, souled creatures on camera, with absolutely no remorse whatsoever!

He may have a charming off-hand manner, an intellect that rivals the combined IQs of his predecessor and predecessor's cabinet taken en masse (which, incidentally, was the name of the uniquely anti-individual school of thought history will remember them for), and a hot wife, but this is a man who would hurt a fly, with impunity.

Thankfully, PETA has nothing better to do than look after the welfare of individual flies, and they weren't asleep on the "job" during Obama's most recent murderous, bloodthirsty act (word on the street is that while vacationing in Hawaii, he may have killed as many as seven mosquitos. Makes you wonder what else the Secret Service covers up). But PETA is so full of well-connected, logical, not-so-ridiculous-as-to-be-their-own-satirization members that they were able to get the word out; other horrifying abuses of executive power have been brushed under the rug before you, the Amurrican public, even got to be appalled by them.

So listen up, freedom lovers, it's truth-spewing time. And grab a mere moments you'll be shivering to think that this sort of thing can happen in a freedom-loving country, one with a 24-hour news cycle in which FOX "news" participates, and not make its way to our hungry, desperately hungry, ears...

The Infamous Burger - You'll all remember when the grey pou-president showed his true colors at Ray's Hell Burgers, an Arlington, VA staple, implicitly mocking those of us with real, down-home, non-elitist values with his preference for brown mustard over yellow. What you probably didn't realize was that his choice of "basic cheddar" cheese was equivalent to him personally spitting on the mothers of truly American cheeses, like Velveeta and Kraft. Tragically, at the time, the voices of little guys like these were drowned out by Sean Hannity's incessant stream of mustard gas.

No love for NAMBLA - Sure, Obama claims to love his daughters "more than [they] will ever know," but if kids are really so important to him, then he should recognize organizations that love kids even more than anyone ever wants to know, organizations like NAMBLA. His failure to do so shows that the real bigot in this last election wasn't the southern voter, but the man said voter refused, vehemently, to ever, ever, ever vote for. Fortunately for the president, his bigotry has yet to be outed, as all the press conferences that NAMBLA has held have ended poorly. For some inexplicable reason no members of the association can be found to publicly read their previously issued press statements.

Living in a Fantasy World - Rumor has it that Obama has told friends in the press corps that he actually preferred the Lord of the Rings movies to the books! I know, I know, I felt the same way, but just breathe, I promise it will be okay. As there seems to be no plausible reason that treasonous speech like this wouldn't draw significant media interest, one begins to agree with the theories advanced on "LOTR for LIFE! The Unofficial Fan Site for All Things of the Ring" by thewhitewizzard245, supported with research from proudFEET12, that this lack of coverage proves that the president is in fact paying off all the major news outlets so that he has complete control of his image, and that, like, there's clearly a conspiracy and it goes to, like, the highest levels.

Don't Make Me MADD - Mothers Against Drunk Driving would like to issue a statement that they're angry about lots of things the kids are doing these days, not just the drinking. For one, all of you should know that just because the president does it does not mean that occasional cigarette-smoking is cool. In fact it makes you look like a fool. Shame on you, Mr. Obama! And what with the cost of cigarettes just skyrocketing these days, thanks in part to the really cool guys around Washington -- you know who we mean, the Senators!! Why don't you act more like that nice John Kerry? He never sasses back to his mother -- smoking doesn't just say "I totally don't care about my health, dying is for old people," it also says "I just have so much money I can afford to throw it away on anything, silly things." Now is that the message you want to send about yourself, young man? Is it?

Out of my cold, dead hands - Early in the campaign, it became clear that Obama has not shot even one wolf from a plane, or used a decoy to trick a duck into landing close enough to shoot him between the eyes, nor does he in any way shape or form seem to interpret "well-regulated militia" to mean "me, my buddies, any and all firearms we can find at the local Wal-mart, and a case of Bud each." The NRA has regularly issued press releases which attempt to draw some attention to this lack of presidential sensitivity to our constitutional rights, but for some reason or other the only people who seem to understand the severity of the problem are already on the mailing list. Of course now that he's learned the thrill that the hunt can provide on the insect scale, there's a pretty good chance that Obama's eyes will finally be opened. I mean, it's not like someone might swat at a common housefly and not end up on the road to ever-deepening, frenzied bloodlust, you know?