America's Top Presidential Model

On a recent edition of Hardball With Chris Matthews, while discussing a possible presidential run by former senator (R-TN) and current actor Fred Thompson (Law & Order - NY) Matthews said that Thompson "looks like a movie star" and that "people like movie stars - maybe we will get Harrison Ford next time." Matthews was speaking with liberal columnist Margaret Carlson (Bloomberg - NY) and conservative columnist Pat Buchanan (R - Hell).

Matthews said of Thompson: "If there ever was a guy that looked like the daddy party, the Republican." Carlson said that Thompson "does look like the dad - he's handsome, he's charming, he sounds like a president, he looks like a president."

Ronald Reagan's destruction of our political system is now complete. Never mind the staggering national debt, the rise of the Christian Right, the gap between rich and poor, environmental chaos, the spread of AIDS or world Imperialism - "looking like a president" is the real legacy of Reagan. Reagan was the first president who, as a former actor, perfected the art of performing presidential, qualifications be damned, resembling a cross between John Wayne and Bob Barker. Reagan was a ruinous president, but he was a very good Host.

Republicans everywhere are salivating at the prospect of a Thompson run. Never mind that we have no idea where he stands on a damn thing, never mind that he jettisoned politics for a return to showbiz. It doesn't matter. He's on Law and Fucking Order.

In this ludicrously shallow US Weekly age of showbiz surfaces, all that matters is that every president Looks Like One. Not only that, they have to have stand-up comedy skills for the Correspondent's Dinner shenanigans (Karl Rove's recent "MC Rove" rap performance will go down in history as our most revolting Nero fiddling while Rome burns moment yet).

With that in mind, we should just forget elections all together and launch America's Top Presidential Model. All of the candidates could sashay down the runway in designer presidential togs, and America votes for the hottest, despite the fact that, after the 2004 election, America should never be allowed to vote for anything ever again, especially "Last Comic Standing."

I volunteer my services as play-by-play fashion show announcer:

"First up on the runway, it's daddy's boy, George W. Bush, so hot he's burning a hole in the ozone in his compassionate conservative Dale Evans day-glo swimsuit. Whether it's clearing brush in Crawford or a hoedown in Houston, George is hotter than a burning Iraqi oil field!

Surrender, Dorothy! Here's that conehead from Kansas, Sam Brownback, to the extreme right of the runway. America's favorite fashion fascist is putting America first with his Mussolini Camouflage Combat gear, from For Heteros Only by Adolfo Hitler! Christian right? You got that right!

Here's the former governor of New York, that wacky lackey, George Pataki, in his tacky kakis by Bob Mackie!

And look, it's Al Gore, the Botany 500 poster boy, environmentally correct in his spotted owl Smokey The Bear forest ranger flap jacket! He's accompanied by lovely wife Tipper, tipping the light fantastic in her topless Tennessee hoop skirt with Parental Advisory pasties!

Stop, in the name of love! It's Barack Obama! Is he black? Is he white? Is he Muslim? Whatever he is, he's stunning in his rainbow coalition burka with matching heels, from Diana of Detroit, with a special opening for that megawatt smile! And papa's got a brand new hand bag! Set us free, why don't'cha babe?

Here's Hillary Clinton, that little gal from Little Rock, not about to let a wayward presidential penis get her down! She's sexy and scandalous in her Arkansas State Trooper Gennifer Flowers inspired legal briefs, with extra material for universal coverage. The right wing conspiracy be damned, Hillary looks fabulous! That'll teach them to fuck with us!

It's Mitt Romney! Would you buy a used car from this man? Take about traditional values - he's the Man in the Gray Flannel Suit circa 1956, but these fashionable flip flops from Portia's Pander Palace tell the real story!

It's America's Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, in his Ground Zero firefighter fantasia - - and that's not toilet paper trailing those shows, it's the Bill of Rights!

Here's that blond bimbo of the Right, who really wants to rule, Ann Coulter - anorexic Annie features the Basic Instinct "I've been fucked all night" miniskirt, and if you don't like it, you're a treasonous traitor to taste! No doubt about it, Ann puts the "cont" in "contemporary!"

And look who's dying to get back in power, it's Newt Gingrich, tossing those family values aside and showing us his true colors, in his Robert Mapplethorpe catwoman dominatrix outfit, with matching whip and stiletto heels - whip me, beat me, tell me I'm cheap, Newt!

And remember him? It's David Duke, that bozo from the Bayou, fresh from the JC Penny white sale, in a stunning floor length floral Klu Klux Klan ensemble, with matching swastika, crucifix, and baseball bat, for the white supremacist on the go! These fashionable sheets cover everything, especially your past! That's right David - burn, baby, burn!"