04/30/2008 02:17 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

An Open Letter to All $#@%&$! Pundits

Dear Mr. Blitzer, Mr. Hannity, Mr. Colmes, Mr. O'Reilly, Ms. Ingraham, Mr. King, Mr. Hume, and anyone else paying attention:

Since I travel for work and spend more hours in hotel rooms than a $5 hooker, I know the reason windows in hotels don't open anymore--so people like me won't leap onto the pavement below after watching more CNN, MSNBC and FOX than any normal person should. I watch you pundits blather until you can blather no more, then you blather some more. You have turned me from a fun loving party boy into the Tasmanian Devil.

Maybe I should visit the headquarters of FOX and set myself on fire like a crazed Buddhist monk. I watch you guys for five minutes and I want to beat my face in with a golf shoe. If I kill myself, I want it to be on your head. I want you to have a good long think about how you're all satanic game show hosts in the endless series, Who Wants to Screw America?

You talk gossip, innuendo, rumor. You talk dog food. Opinions masquerade as facts. The world has already gone to hell in a hand basket, and you offer zero solutions as to how to fix it. All you care about is your own agenda, which, by the way, has nothing to do with us either. One of you actually spent valuable airtime talking about how people CURSE TOO MUCH. All right, I won't curse.

All of you spend 80,000 #@$%&#$ hours discussing the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, who is just another preacher with a messiah complex and about as relevant to the future of the Republic as Ben Stein's dingleberry, while more American soldiers and Iraqis die in that cluster$#%@ the Chimp-In -Chief got us into. We continue to borrow billions a week from the #@$%&#$ Chinese, money we will never be able to pay off, ever, and you all yammer on about Miley Cyrus showing her boobies. Gas was $1.46 a gallon when Bush took office and is well on its way to $10, and you're letting the oil company executives sit there like Jabba The Hutt laughing their $#@%&*$ tails off at us.

Don't give me this $#%@ about Barack Obama being "elite" and "out of touch." If anybody is $%#@&*^ elite, it's you clowns. When was the last time any of you waited in line at a #$@#%^&$ bank or at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles?

Nobody cares about Jeremiah &^%$#@% Wright or the pink shade of Bill Clinton's face when he gets mad. People care about not losing their %$#@!^& retirement and having to spend their golden years at McDonald's, or as a $#@%^&* Wal-Mart greeter. They want to be able to travel to Europe again without having to pay three times as much. In Amsterdam, a friend told me they won't even take American dollars anymore. Say what?

Jimmy Carter has the moxie to speak to Hamas, and all you do is trash him because you don't like him. Carter brokered the first peace treaty, EVER, between Israel and an Arab neighbor, in this case Egypt. Remember that? Of course not. I'd trust Carter to move the peace process forward waaaaay before I'd trust any of you %$^$#$s.

And you hang out at that %$##$%^ White House Correspondent's Dinner, hobnobbing with the very suspects you should be exposing. What has that stupid affair become anyway, Connie Corleone's wedding?

Until you can actually help solve some problems and not continue to masturbate to the sound of your own voice, play some Green Acres reruns and SHUT THE %$#@ UP. There, I didn't curse.