Antichrist: Thy Name is MySpace

Like many a performer, internet junkie or just an idiot with too much spare time, I was lured into creating a MySpace account. You know, that "networking" site where you can potentially link to millions, all of whom are your "friends." I'd heard it was a great way to publicize oneself without actually having anything to publicize but your ass cheeks. Dane Cook shrewdly capitalized on this new phenomenon and was the first comedian to develop an audience based on his computer skills.

Before I knew it, after becoming "friends" with an assortment of people I actually knew, I was getting requests from total strangers to be my "friend." I could see their profile, pictures, and other friends, and could then approve or deny their friend request if I liked their face. Sort of like a postmodern country club, where the membership applicants provide homemade porn.

At first, it was fascinating to see who was connected to whom, as well peruse their pictures and watch their videos. I confess to one late night four hour marathon of mind-numbing, addictive MySpace hell. I am flabbergasted at just how much personal information people are willing to post for the entire world to see. Vacation pictures, family photos, and previously secret X-rated fantasies are no longer for the album hidden under the bed.

The first warning signal was when Rupert Murdoch bought MySpace in yet another attempt at world domination. Big Brother is not just watching, we're providing him the stuff to watch. I trust Rupert Murdoch about as much as I trust herpes. I became instantly uneasy about one of the world's largest media empires knowing who my "friends" are, or having access to pictures of me on the beach or dressed in drag at a Halloween party. Remember the scenes in classic thrillers where someone would get an anonymous letter or phone call saying, "We know who you are and we know who your friends are"? Now they DO, and can find out in the brief moment you're away from your computer on the toilet, which is probably the only private "My Space" left.

The second warning signal was receiving all these annoying MySpace emails like "Wonder Rectum wants to be your friend!" And it was more than a little scary when I was performing in Las Vegas and three drunken biker chicks, who looked like they came to see me because Criss Angel "Mindfreak" was sold out, showed up after a show and screamed, 'JIM!!! WE'RE YOU'RE MYSPACE FRIENDS!!! HEY, BUDDY!!!" I wanted to say, "Buddy? I don't believe I've had the pleasure, madam." After I declined their invitation to hop on one of their cycles, drink Wild Turkey and go "tear up this motherfucking town," they refused to leave and had to be yanked out by the security guards, who were anxious to kick some butt and grateful for the exercise. I actually felt a twinge of guilt about treating my "friends" this way, which made it clear that the world has gone completely mental and I had just crossed over into the Twilight Zone.

Another warning occurred when assorted strangers who had taken a photo with me at an event suddenly posted them on the site, forwarding them to God knows how many people. I'm not the world's most photogenic creature, so imagine my horror viewing pictures of me looking like Don Knotts after a gang rape. I thought, wait a minute, idiot, this was just for your personal keepsake, not some pedophile hiding out in Thailand. I henceforth vow to become a control freak regulating every picture of me available to the world. Just like Barbra Streisand's, the right side of my face will be as visible as the dark side of the moon.

The Internet is convenient, dangerous, and now a part of our lives whether we like it or not, like cell phones or staph infections. It's very disconcerting that my personal information, previously available only to, well, me, is now potentially in the hands of everyone on the planet with hacking skills. It's TOO MUCH INFORMATION IN THE HANDS OF TOO MANY PEOPLE. Yes, it's wonderful to be having an argument with someone and then just be able to Google it and say, "See, you're wrong, Mitt Romney did flip-flop." But there's something really sick about being able to have instant access to a naked picture of some bozo in Waukegan, Illinois.

The straw that broke the MySpace back came when some maniac hacked into my profile and started sending out mass emails, as me, inviting people to some porn hook-up site. Aside from the embarrassment, I would have hoped that my real "friends' would realize that if I was inviting them to a porn site, the people would be a hell of a lot better looking.

After contacting MySpace and receiving instructions about as useful as Bush's war plan, I deleted my entire profile, a process only slightly less difficult than changing my entire identity. I have now left this fifth circle of Internet hell. If you are a MySpace member, pause for a moment and consider that you are friends with someone who is friends with someone who is friends with someone who wants to be the next Charles Manson. They can find you. The world may not have been as convenient and connected a few years ago, but we all had a little thing called "privacy," and in order to be famous, one had to have a little thing called "talent."

From now on, if you want to know who my "friends" are, you will just have to be invited to my Christmas party. Good luck with that.

Comments

[chrislarry]

Wow, what a bunch of paranoid old farts...

[eddiestardust]

With all this new technology, wouldn't you think that our service providers would have both the decency and common sense to shield us from these creeps?

I think it's time to DEMAND of our local governments that THEY tell these folks it's part of their obligation to shield us ...or else!

[HeyFella]

Myspace, still a great way to get laid.

[FogBelter]

Mr David, There are many ways to amuse oneself on the Internet ... most of which don't result in chafing.

But MySpace? For me? No way!

I can sum up my reasoning in two words ...

Penis Puppet.

[ryanjones2006]

There are a lot of net plusses, example the Virginia Tech shootings when students created groups called "I'm Ok At VT", and etc.
If you want a certain thing about you private, you can simply choose not to post it on the world wide web, or make your profile "private"... or use the new myspace rules for adding friends, for example knowing your last name or email address.
I say, give it a try. I've found, as a college sophomore, it's a nice way to keep in touch with friends from high school and get to know teachers on a more level platform.

[RumiSouth]

The winner in "Web 2.0" will be the company that creates a MySpace-type environment that *I* control, that allows me the privacy level *I* want, and from which *I* share the revenue.

A few months ago I realized that my MySpace blog was bringing almost a thousand blog hits a week, and Tom was sharing the ad profits not with me, but with Rupert Murdoch. I was literally WORKING for Rupert Murdoch.

[speakyourmind]

I will NEVER join any of those "friend" websites. Never have, never will. Just too stupid for words.

[Crowhaul]

The entire 'social networking web 2.0' concept is the equivalent of a dog licking his own balls: You do it because all the other dogs do it, and it somehow feels appropriate, right up until that point where you realize 'wait a second...i've been sitting here for hours licking my own balls. WTF?!!'

All things told, Myspace, Facebook, et. al., are a HUGE waste of time and I truly feel sorry for those who continue to indulge in that crap.

[Newfycrat]

Thank God you heeded your red flags and no harm came to you.
My experience is that if you warn people about sharing all their information on line, they tell you to mind your own business and think you are un-cool. People unfortunately many times have to learn by experience.
I wonder if this sharing culture really is a function of the time or if it is a function of age (experience). I'll be curious to see how strong it will be in 20 years for the then forty year olds.
I fear the every day non famous person can have some horrible experiences with strangers getting a hold of their information.
I talk from experience but most people would call me a chicken little.

[Ben Dixon]

The world may not have been as convenient and connected a few years ago, but we all had a little thing called "privacy,"

We still do, just don't go joining sites like Myspace.

[SILVANUS]

True, it's crap.

[hopeless277]

Hey Jim, you know that vase in your living room? It's a camera. MySpace automatically sends Homeland Security to your home to wire it for audio and video so your 'friends' can see what you're up to 24/7. Isn't that thoughtful of them?

[duggie]

Can anyone tell me how to stop Google from sending me 47,000 blooger emails a day?

[liberalrebuttal]

That's frightening. I have a My Space account with only a few friends. I don't accept everyone. I always look at the Profile before saying yes. If they seem strange, I reject them. I only use it for Politics anyway.

Good luck to you though. I'm sorry you had a bad experience but I'm also glad you shared so that I can proceed with caution when I venture onto My Space in the future.

Thanks again,