05/30/2008 01:21 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Disgruntled Former Employees Unite!

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan is channeling his inner Jiminy Cricket and making his mea culpa tour after years of lying to us gullible folks. Already he has been labeled a "disgruntled former employee."

I only hear the word "disgruntled" in combination with the words "former employee," usually in relation to somebody who spills the beans on the White House, Microsoft or Wal-Mart. I never hear it in real life. Neither do you. When was the last time someone said, "Patrick is disgruntled today"?

And "gruntled," a word you never ever ever hear, is listed in the dictionary as "pleased, satisfied, and contented." Nobody who works in the White House is ever gruntled. There's too much pressure, and as a result, most people who work there pretend to be gruntled, but are actually quite disgruntled. You have to kiss ass all day, keep your mouth shut, and not disturb the president's nap. The only gruntled person in the White House is the president. Nothing fazes him since he's a mental midget who will always be taken care of by daddy's buddies. I'd be gruntled, too.

McClellan's successor, Dana Perino, does her best to put on a gruntled face, but you can tell she's going to have nonstop, head-banging, screaming sex for days with either her husband or the first stranger she meets in a D.C. bar the minute she gets out of the White House. Either that, or she has no soul whatsoever. Her forced, pained smile speaks volumes. She will soon be another disgruntled former employee.

Everyone has been a disgruntled former employee. We have all had jobs that sucked. I'm a disgruntled former employee of Burger King. My boss was a bipolar sadistic buck toothed, chain-smoking nympho who would try to seduce all the 16-year-olds, and then turn on us when we said, "No way." If I had told her what I thought of her, I would have been out of there in two seconds, and have forfeited my precious $2.60-an-hour. I have never walked into a Burger King since because I'm sure she'll still be there.

All of McClellan's critics, just like those of Richard Clarke or Paul O'Neill or any other formerly disgruntled former whistle-blowers before them, wonder why none of them spoke up while they worked there. I have a friend who used to work at the White House, and he said the atmosphere is like walking on eggs in the intensive care unit while carrying nitroglycerine. If I wouldn't speak out at freaking Burger King, ain't nobody gonna speak out at the White House. No wonder McClellan kept his mouth shut. Anyone who has disagreed with this president would find a warmer reception in an Eskimo's vagina.

If it weren't for disgruntled former employees, we would never get any of the good dirt.