12/13/2007 10:40 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

GOP Debate Consensus: Kiss My Ass, Alan

At the GOP debate in Iowa, Mitt Romney's performance was proof he belongs in a dinner theater production of The Music Man as the shyster Harold Hill, who convinces the Iowa yokels they need a marching band when he has no intention of providing the instruments. If he gets elected president I'm going to become a suicidal alcoholic.

Mike Huckabee wants to be the pastor of the nation. He would be a great guy to get counseling from if I become a suicidal alcoholic.

Fred Thompson is like your folksy farmer uncle who would sit you down and tell you a good ol' tale over a hot toddy. I can see him gathering the leaders of the world around a fire, sharing stories and getting hammered. Then when they passed out he would shoot them with a sawed-off shotgun.

Ron Paul is this year's model of the candidate most people secretly agree with but wouldn't vote for in a million years. Maybe because more and more he seems to be channeling Dr. Emmett Brown of Back To The Future, and we suspect that he drove the Delorean to the 1950s and brought back Tom Tancredo.

John McCain has served his country more admirably than any of the others, has actually tried to make a difference, and nobody cares anymore. Maybe they're tired of him playing the Hanoi Hilton card, or resent that in 2000, after Karl Rove spread rumors that he fathered a black bastard, he didn't personally find Rove and break his kneecaps.

Speaking of kneecaps, Duncan Hunter looks like the Mafioso who would put a gun to your head in the back of a black sedan and say, "You got two choices, pal."

Rudy Giuliani told the debate's biggest lie: how he went around asking the advice of New Yorkers. If he did, he wouldn't have lost over 20 first amendment civil rights cases filed against him. Rudy doesn't take advice, he gives orders. He takes advice about as well as Ann Coulter douches.

Alan Keyes appears out of nowhere to annoy you, like an unreachable lesion on your back that won't stop itching. He's about as welcome as a TV Land marathon of Benson. Every other Republican candidate, as well as everyone in the entire country, just wants him to go away. Every time he spoke you could feel the candidates' eyes rolling back in their heads. It's amazing there was room on stage for his ego. Keyes is so full of it, someday he will sanctimoniously combust. Our self-appointed moral watchdog, he's so moral that when his daughter came out as a lesbian he denied her college tuition. She is now attending college courtesy of the Point Foundation, a charity for gay kids who find themselves thrown out of the house. Alan, behold our plump waiting butt cheeks.