Southern Leadership Conference Kills My Beer Buzz

So I'm walking through the lobby of the Peabody Hotel in Memphis on my way to the Flying Saucer, where I like to go to write my blog stuff during my lunch hour. I pass by the fountain and the ducks (it's a Peabody thing. They have indoor ducks), and then I pass Mitt Romney. Hmm. That seems weird. Then John McCain walks by with his entourage. Oh, I know what this is. This is that dream I had the last time I ordered the double-hot Pad Thai chicken from Mosa. Any minute now Charlize Theron will show up and slap me with a frozen waffle.

After a few waffle/Theron-less minutes I start to worry that maybe this isn't a dream. Good thing I didn't try to hold my breath and fly from the second floor balcony (I don't know why, but for some reason I can only fly in my dreams if I'm holding my breath). It wasn't until I walked by a sleeping Chris Matthews slumped in a chair that I realized this wasn't a dream. Chris Matthews isn't allowed in any of my dreams regardless of what I ate the night before--a rule I have successfully enforced since 2004.

So if it isn't a dream that can only mean one thing. It's a nightmare. I checked the local fish wrap (the Commercial Appeal), and sure enough it turned out we had been invaded. For some inexplicable reason the GOP had decided to have it's Southern Leadership Conference here. In my home town. Where Kerry beat Bush by over 50,000 votes.

Okay guys, well, you know, 'welcome' I guess. Now what the Hell are you doing here?

Mostly they came to do the same thing they always do - blame Democrats for all their problems. I don't know exactly what sort of power we actually wield, but they appear to think we wield all of it. I guess being the minority party for 40 years has given them something of an inferiority complex. That should come in real handy when we make them the minority party again in November.

But this Southern Leadership Conference was about more than just bitching about how ineffective they have made government. It was also about picking a new leader, and judging by the title I guess they thought they had to pick a southern one. That's the only explanation I can come up with for the results of the GOP's first Presidential straw poll which was won by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist.

Reading the results of the straw poll left me simultaneously thrilled and confused. I was thrilled because if Frist is the GOP's nominee then we can safely run an inanimate carbon rod and we'll pick up the Presidency. Frist, like Romney, ran for office as a moderate, but then turned into a wingnut as soon as he was elected. Then he started touring the country saying how easy it is for a wingnut to get elected. He's such an ineffective leader that he has a hard time getting stuff done with 55 freaking Republicans in the Senate! How bad is that!? There are members of as-yet undiscovered tribes in the Peruvian rain forest that have a better shot at being President than Frist.

But I was confused because the fourth-place finisher, behind Mitt Romney and George Allen, was President Bush. My first thought was that maybe these high-ranking Republicans knew something about the Constitution that I didn't. But given that their understanding of the powers of the chief executive extend to the range of 'unlimited,' that didn't seem likely. After reading the AP news story on the conference this result made slightly more sense. McCain suggest that people vote for Bush rather than him to show solidarity for the President during W's pronounced period of tough political sledding.

And this is why McCain never wins primaries--he is completely out of touch with his own party. If there is one thing that Republicans will NOT be doing during this election season, it's showing solidarity with the President. His is not a record to run on, it's a record to run away from. That's been true for years now, but this time Republican jobs are on the line, and the previous strategy of campaigning on a platform of "OH MY GOD THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND US!!!" doesn't really resonate anymore.

No, this year's campaign slogan is going to be "throwing Bush under the bus," and nowhere was this more apparent than in the results of the straw poll. It seems like Sean Hannity should be screeching about how inappropriate it is for Republicans to undermine the authority of the President during a time of war, but somehow I don't see that happening. Truth be told, it's the only option they have. Democrats are going to make the 2006 election a referendum on holding Bush accountable (If I were them I'd be dusting off Bush's quote that "my accountability moment has passed," and my national campaign slogan would be "It's Judgment Day, Bitch"...which probably helps to explain why I don't work in politics). The only choice for Republicans is to say "Hey, we can do that for you. Don't worry about it! We foxes can guard the henhouse just fine!"

I promise you that we will see this all year long. Tough talk from Republicans, which the MSM will eat up and report as "Fractures forming within the GOP" or "Repubs get all up in Bush's grill." But it's a paper tiger, every bit as much an internal 'wink and a nod' as the "Don't worry, John Roberts is a moderate" campaign. Democrat-less committees will be convened, doors will be closed, Partagas Sabroso's will be smoked, doors will open, and Pat Roberts will dutifully play the role of Keystone Kop assuring us that there's "nothing to see here, folks...move along" while standing in front of the burning, exploding fireworks factory.

I hope that someone on the left is anticipating this (other than me, of course. We've already established why I can't/shouldn't work in politics), and is ready to play offense. After 2004 we need to get our defense off the field for a little while.

Well, it looks like I've got to go. Charlize just showed up with a box of Eggos. Good. Maybe this whole thing was just a dream. A terrible, horrible dream.