Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Jim O'Grady Headshot

Vuvuzela to Soccer Fans: Blow Me

Posted: Updated:

Noting how viewers of the World Cup love the song of the vuvuzela, FIFA has decided that future tournaments will encourage fans of the host nation to indulge their own local customs inside stadiums during matches.

Though the sound of the vuvuzela has been described as atonality meeting OCD, the World Cup governing body insists that letting thousands of mental defectives blow the horns throughout a match serves a larger purpose.

"What does it matter that your team was thrashed 3-0 by Paraguay," said FIFA secretary general Jerome Valcke of host South Africa's latest defeat, "when you've had the joy of using a cheap bit of tubular plastic to give a billion global viewers the sense that a swarm of science fiction mosquitoes has been gnawing on their nervous systems?"

FIFA then released a sample list of vuvuzela-like activities that may occur in the background during future World Cup matches.

Peru - pan-piping
Spain - bull-running
Germany - Oktoberfesting
Japan - Seppuku
United States - gunplay
Brazil (host of the 2014 World Cup) - extra-judicial killings

Valcke added that FIFA is open to further suggestions. "The only requirement is that the activity is appalling yet causes outsiders to support it on grounds of cultural sensitivity," he said. "Which reminds me, expect cows on the pitch when the Cup goes to Mumbai--and widow-burning!"