06/30/2010 08:06 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

How NYC Can Date LeBron James

It's a well-known and oft-used strategy in the dating world: when you get a girl's (or a guy's) phone number, you really shouldn't make the call for at least 48 hours. Nobody wants to go out with someone who comes across as desperate. So you wait, play a little hard to get. This is basic stuff, people.

Which brings us to LeBron James and New York City.

At the risk of wearing out the metaphor, the NBA superstar and free agent-to-be is the hottest girl in the club. The Knicks, somehow, managed to get her number. Then they went home and called her that same night, at like 4 AM, and woke her up. No way she's going out with you now. Ever. What I'm trying to say is, stop drunk-dialing LeBron James, New York!

Really. Again today, Mayor Bloomberg was publicly pandering away, saying James could play and live here in New York and still live a "normal" life. With all due respect to His Mayor-ship, that is not remotely true, and LeBron knows it. It's not even a good strategy; what single, world famous gazillionaire wants to come to New York to have a normal life? If it's normal he wants, James will, by definition, stay in Cleveland. I've been to Cleveland, and I'm from Ohio, and I'm telling you, both are very normal. But these are the kinds of things desperate people will say.

Our unseemly wooing of Mr. James feels very... I don't know... non-New York-ish. Is the "Greatest City in the World" really reduced now to begging for an athlete to play here? That is so Boston. Pride up, NYC! If LeBron James doesn't want to play here, it's his loss. (Returning to our theme, that's what my mother used to say to me when I was unable to get dates with girls I liked, like Rhonda Goldstein: "Well, it's her loss." To which I wanted to respond, "she certainly seems to be taking it very well.")

So here's my advice to whatever high-level delegation from the city and the Knicks goes to meet with LeBron: first, be 20-minutes late. Make it 30. You'll get his attention. Second, start off by belittling his skills and his lack of any championship hardware. Ascribe his success in the league so far to "luck," but seem willing to take him if he insists. Finally, try to talk up New York's fine restaurants and theater choices, but make as little mention of the Knicks as possible. They're an awful team.

There's still time to land this guy. But enough with the "please come, LeBron" videos and signs and sports talk show pleadings. I want to see signs saying "LeBron James? Hmmm. You might fit in here, but if you don't want to.... IT'S YOUR LOSS, RHONDA!"

I mean LeBron...