That's right, you deserve better.
We all struggle with insecurities, and because of these insecurities, we start to try to justify situations that aren't right for us - whether it's a job, a relationship or a friendship. I myself have (and continue to) struggled with the insecurities brought on by my past. It's more than just physical insecurities, but the idea that sometimes I feel like I'm too damaged -- like I've been through too much in my life.
Maybe I'm just too f*cked up, and thus incapable of being loved because of the struggles of my past. Sometimes I wish my parents had stayed together instead of getting divorced when I was 7 -- maybe then I'd have had a mother to raise me and maybe life would have been different. Maybe if I hadn't been treated like complete sh*t in my past relationship, I wouldn't be so scared to give all of myself to someone again. Maybe if my father hadn't passed away, I'd be less scarred, and I wouldn't get sad seeing a father and daughter on a subway train, or when a father walks his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day.
But all of this doesn't ever get me anywhere but curled up in my bed crying about things that don't matter.
I've realized that you have to learn to let things go -- memories that don't make you smile, things that don't add true value, and people who don't make you feel the way you should -- happy, loved and beautiful.
You have to close the wounds you've been left with -- from whatever relationship, traumatic experience or getting fired from a job you loved/hated -- you have to close these wounds for yourself, and by yourself. Because if you don't, you'll always look back, wishing, wanting and regretting things that weren't meant to be in the first place.
And on those nights when you feel completely alone, like no one will understand you or have the answers to your questions -- remember that loneliness is designed to help you discover who you are -- so that you'll stop looking outside yourself for your worth.
So when that boyfriend, husband, wife, sister, friend constantly takes advantage of you and puts you down -- you'll eventually build the strength to take nothing less than what you deserve. Or when you're working day in and day out at a company that doesn't value your opinion, your eye, your knowledge -- or your boss is a complete d*ck for no apparent reason other than the fact that he/she is unhappy with his/her own miserable life -- you'll have the confidence to seek out a new career and find a company that appreciates and values you as an employee.
People stay in unhappy situations because they're comfortable and/or too scared of what's on the other side. You cannot be one of those people. Because you deserve better. And you'll find someone who will love you through success and failure -- so that you can discover how little life has to do with either.
So when you feel unlucky, or you start to feel bad about yourself -- take a second to see how far you've come. You've been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. Let go of the pity of your past. Because you weren't put on this earth to break even. You're here to break rules, break records, and break through.
People ask me, "How did you do it? How did you change your life? How did you just leave everything behind to travel the world and live the life of your dreams?"
I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like sh*t -- at home, at my job, in my relationship -- anymore, or ever again. So I changed. Just like that.
So I'm writing this letter to you because we all (myself included) need reminders -- gentle reminders that get us up out of bed to take back control of our happiness. Please don't be ashamed of your past. Your scars are what make you beautiful. Your story is one that can and will inspire someone else in this world. You have a purpose to why you exist, why you live, why you breathe, why you were placed in the town or city that you grew up in, to be raised the way that you did. And you deserve better.
Thank you so much for reading. Follow me on instagram for more motivation + inspiration in real time: @greaseandglamour
With love,
Jinna