Politically Correct Sex (For Women)

A confession: I do not watch the Oprah Winfrey show. I can't receive it at home in France, and when I'm wintering in Florida it never occurs to me to turn it on.

Obviously, I'm missing something. And I missed something important last week: Oprah's discussion with Dr. Christiane Northrup about female
masturbation.

Sorry -- I meant to say female self-cultivation. Because, while it's perfectly all right for men to "masturbate," women doing approximately the same thing are now "cultivating" themselves, according to the good doctor.

This sounds like more than political correctness: It's smarmy Victorian prudery combined with post-Freudian egomania.

When men get horny, they can jerk off. Why can't women? Can you imagine any man you know saying that he "cultivated" himself?

Dr. Northrup further complicates the subject by advising women to take 30 minutes three times a week to "self-cultivate." Okay -- when do you do it? During your lunch break, before the kids come home from school, while dinner is simmering on the stove, after hubby has fallen asleep on the couch? Most likely, you're already doing 30 minutes on the treadmill, or 20 minutes of Pilates, or 10 minutes of deep breathing....and now you need an hour and a half a week to discover and develop your erogenous zones?

There seems to be some confusion here, and it comes from the fact that Dr. Northrup is lumping together three distinct issues: Knowing what turns you on, doing what turns you on, and getting it off.

For most women (and many men, too) candlelight, good music, a good meal, a little wine, are almost sure-fire aphrodisiacs. An erotic film or book, provocative conversation, suggestive clothing and heady scents can get the hormones moving, too. Those are the stimuli, the ingredients. You know very well what works for you. (And sometimes a new ingredient will delightfully surprise you!)

Doing what turns you on -- or having someone do it to you -- is the second issue. It's what we used to call foreplay, but Dr. Northrup has turned it into self-examination because we're doing it to ourselves. Are we really so ignorant and ashamed of our erogenous zones? When there is nobody around to nuzzle our neck, lick our ear, or stroke our back, don't we know how to massage our own breasts and tummy and groin?

Getting it off is where we want to end up, sooner or later, and Dr. Northrup makes it very much later. She doesn't acknowledge that sometimes women, like men, are simply hyped-up or stressed-out and need a quick fix to release the tension. To hell with candlelight and to hell with foreplay. Bring on the dildo and the vibrator.

"Self-cultivation" is another example of how we love to complicate the simple facts of life. Just as good nutrition has been subverted and obfuscated by innumerable diet plans and theories, so too has sex. These pseudo-sciences are not making our lives happier or easier -- they are just confounding the issues and wasting our time, and making money for the self-appointed "experts."

Werner Erhard, the founder of est, said it best: When you're hot you're hot, when you're not you're not. It's as simple as that.

Comments

[cylindar]

My wife likes to do it on the highway when she is going to work and especially if she sees sexy road crew type guys that she can drive by while she is doing it. By the way, she does not watch Oprah

[lungfish]

I am not sure when it became "perfectly ok for men to masturbate".... I don't think it ever did. I recall "self-cultivation" being one of several derogatory comments that one could endure in highschool, the implication being that only losers and sickos did it...
and nobody talked about women doing it. In fact, as I recall a lot of this kind of verbal abuse came from women..
So this idea that it is somehow ok for men and not for women doesn't seem to have much merit. Heck, in the British perspective a "wanker" isn't a nice thing to call someone...

[wildflowermaven]

I think you were missing the point. The topic came up when one woman asked what to do since she hadn't enjoyed sex w her husband in about 1 1/2 years, and another woman said she had no sex drive since her hysterectomy. The whole cultivate yourself wasn't so much about the act itself but how to feel sexy and turned on, aka how to generate energy down there. Dr. Northrup suggested chi kung --smile inwardly to your heart and your vagina. You can act superior and think everyone knows this stuff, but I think you're out of touch w the mainstream of women.

[TheMiddleman]

Damn!!!

The guy down the road just told me he bought a cultivator to use in his wife's "garden." Now what the hell am I supposed to think?

[WilliePilgrim]

It might be worthwhile keeping in mind that in humans there is a wide diversity in our individual responses to the world. Some is genetic and some environmental and it's probably not accurate to say that it's merely a matter of choice and that all of us should be as comfortable with the same kinds of responses. Humans have a natural preferrence for crypitc behaviors with some biological functions and for some humans that includes sex. To try to meet social expectations that are contrary to one's instintual and natural propensity is a sure way to invite failure and disappointment. Each person should be able to get to know themselves as a unique combination of all these inborn and environmentally induced idiosyncratic responses and get comfortable with them and with how to express them among our fellow monkeys.

[ChimpmasterDJ]

Living in France, you probably don't realize that - at this point in our culture - one shouldn't have sex with an American woman, in America, without first getting her witnessed signature on a 47 page waiver of liability and paternity, affidavit of health and informed consent disclosure memo.
Perusing those documents generally allows the mood to pass, in any case, consequently those self-knowledge skills should become very handy (no pun intended).

[justannesopinion]

"Cultivate" may be a little silly, but "masturbate" is an ugly sounding word with lots of baggage, so if Oprah wants to introduce a new term, it will or won't catch on, but no harm done.

[avicenna]

You may be taking this a bit too personally - you aren't compelled to do anything that Dr. Northrop says - nor is this mandated by the CDC or any other governing health organization. It was a show that spoke to its audience (which, by admission - isn't you on a typical day) - so using euphemisms like "cultivation" may have made it a more palatable program for the women of middle of america who spend their afternoons watching Oprah. They may have 30 minutes to spare on their gardens - which may be more overgrown then yours. There are bigger issues to get riled up about, but Oprah's program exploring masturbation for women is hardly worth such energy (especially given you only have enough to get going on dildo these days).

[csavage]

Get over yourself...these people are trying to reach those who aren't comfortable talking about it, let alone doing it. Whereas I have no problem using a female term for doing it-"rubbing one off" and see no reason to use the distasteful male terms, there's a whole generation of women who can't even do that.
Unless you are EVER asked by an older woman what it feels like to have an orgasm, you really don't get it

[yellowdoggie]

For any of you who missed that Oprah show, it was a hoot! She was literally teaching women how to think happy thoughts while they rubbed their "little heart." I thought I was going to pee myself.

[blueraven]

I have a friend who I've mentioned elsewhere on HuffPo who is not as aware as you assume she is. She's turning 50 and hasn't had an orgasm once in her life. She has no idea what turns her on. Sure, the language being used is silly, but the reality is that there are women who need the information. Attack the terms, not the message, please.

[rektruax]

"When men get horny, they can jerk off. Why can't women? Can you imagine any man you know saying that he "cultivated" himself?"

Women can... They can do anything they wish with themselves. About the only thing stopping them is being overly concerned with what someone else says in the matter. But that's a choice they make.

[PeteBogs]

Because, while it's perfectly all right for men to "masturbate," women doing approximately the same thing are now "cultivating" themselves, according to the good doctor.

When men get horny, they can jerk off. Why can't women? Can you imagine any man you know saying that he "cultivated" himself?

you make it sound as if a man were saying these things... I see no need to contrast with what men are calling it... you are correct in that this was a BS politically correct term... as George Carlin says, changing the word or the amount of words doesn't change the meaning... the term cultivation is pretentious, but why bring men into it? your disagreement is with Dr. Northrup...

[RumiSouth]

"Cultivate"? That's so nakedly "Secret Garden."

[OtayPanky]

While I wouldn't quote ol' Werner to make a point, I couldn't agree with you more.

As soon as I saw the clip, I thought the Northrop comment/ary was something right out of bizarro world.

I mean, really - how can Northrop expect to "normalize" this most natural of body functions (babies do it all the time) if she's going to insist on euphemizing while evangelizing!

[mommadona]

What....no discussion about 'multiples'?
That's the bestest part!
Men stand back in awe......if they're smart.