03/29/2008 01:19 pm ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

5 Ways To Mess Up With Bread

We hate that stupid idiot Atkins and are so sick of people who are scared to death of a sandwich or pizza or a freaking animal cracker. It never ceases to amaze us when we come across a person who is still ordering a bacon cheeseburger with no bun for lunch and then eating spoonfuls of cream cheese as a snack. We are so happy that the Atkins fad is finally fading and that some of you former disciples are rediscovering the joys of flour. Bread is our friend, everybody. God didn't give us wheat fields just to play hide and go seek in. Bread is delicious, nutritious, gives us energy. However, you can't just mainline carbs all day long if you want to feel and look your best. Atkins was right about certain things, albeit very few, and the foremost one is that there are good carbs and bad. You already know that Wonder Bread is bullshit, but we're here to remind you of a few other bread products that we'd like to bury along with Dr. Atkins.

Bread Ban #1 - Flour Tortillas

Regular flour tortillas actually have more calories than an equivalent slice of bread. To make matters worse, they are completely bland and tasteless, adding nothing to your food other than a holder. It's bad enough to eat these things around a burrito, but at least you know that you're splurging when you go out for Mexican. What makes us madder is when people eat a giant tortilla wrap thinking that it's healthy. We've even see people avoid sandwiches (Atkins remnant) and order wraps instead, thinking that they're healthier! Don't kid yourself. That Caesar salad wrap or smoked tofu wrap now has upwards of 200 extra calories thanks to the very thing that's holding it all together. Order your wraps unwrapped (have you heard of a salad?) or make the easy switch to corn tortillas at the Mexican restaurant! Corn has more flavor and less than half the calories.

Bread Ban #2 - Croutons

This is another example of bread products that are just not worth it. You may think that adding croutons to your soup or salad is a good idea, but croutons are actually little chunks of fried, buttered bread! Who needs that? Wouldn't you rather save those calories and eat a yummy piece of garlic bread at dinner or some fun carb-y snack if you get hungry before then? Keep your healthy foods healthy and you'll have more room to splurge when it really counts.

Bread Ban #3 - Focaccia

Focaccia bread can be really delicious and we're not saying that you shouldn't eat it, but think twice before making or ordering sandwiches on focaccia bread. Focaccia dough has almost the exact same recipe as pizza dough. Would you make a sandwich out of two slices of pizza? Well, we hope not. Anyway, save the fancy focaccia to have alongside your meal the next time you're out at the Olive Garden and leave it off your everyday lunch. It'll save you over 200 calories a sandwich.

Bread Ban #4 - Ritz

Nabisco says, "They're buttery and are going to melt in your mouth." Yes, indeed, Ritz crackers are buttery, but somehow they create that buttery, melt-in-your-mouth sensation without any real butter. Instead, the main ingredients in Ritz are soybean oil, sugar, partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil, and high fructose corn syrup. Yum. Even more horrifying is what Nabisco wants you to do with your Ritz. Their website has tons of recipes, each filed under a different occasion. We searched under "Winter Fun" and the recipe that caught our eye was "Deluxe Cheesy Tuna Mac" - a tuna casserole that includes a package of Kraft Deluxe Macaroni and Cheese Dinner, a can of tuna, milk, a cup of Kraft Cheddar Cheese, crushed Ritz and butter. We think we just gained five pounds by typing that out.

Bread Ban #5 - Low Carb Breads

Unless you are diabetic or there is some other medical reason for you to be on a low carb diet, there is no need to eat low carb bagels or other breads. They usually have the same amount of calories as regular breads (and sometimes even more), but they taste weird and mess with your stomach. If you want to eat healthy bread, go for that Ezekiel flourless, whole grain stuff. It is full of healthy, complex carbs, fiber, and even protein. There is a happy medium in between the two extremes of Wonder Bread and weird, chemical diet bread and we encourage you to find it.

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