Don't Eat At The Mall: What To Avoid When You Return Your Gifts

During this cold, depressing time of year, when holiday festivities are over and you have a bunch of useless junk to return, the local mall takes over for many of us as the town square of yesteryear. We head there nearly every weekend looking for fun, entertainment, camaraderie and nourishment. Well, you can find a lot of these things at the mall these days, but nourishment is not one of them. The mall is in fact probably the second worst place on earth to buy food, the first being any type of local fair. We don't care where you live - every mall in America seems to have the exact same vendors, and these jerks are taking advantage of their monopoly by selling us the worst crap imaginable for approximately five times what they're worth. Below, we have listed a sampling of the most evil kinds of mall food in an effort to convince you to find your sustenance elsewhere.

1. Cinnabon

You may have already heard us rant about Cinnabon, but we will risk redundancy if it means drilling it into your heads one more time to never, ever eat Cinnabon! These things have 800 calories each, which is by far more calories than you should consume in a typical meal, not to mention a snack. We know they smell like delicious cinnamon heaven, but so do those obnoxious candles they sell in makeshift carts in the middle of the mall, and those are fat-free. One more reason to never eat Cinnabon - they are beyond messy, sticky and gooey. The frosting has the consistency of glue, and that is the last thing you need all over your hands before you go try on clothes. Save the sticky fingers for another time.

2. The Cheesecake Factory

Lots of malls want to offer you real food, too, and so they stick a giant Cheesecake Factory in there. Thanks a lot. Have you ever noticed that no matter what time of day it is or how empty the restaurant may be, you still have to wait at least an hour to be seated at any Cheesecake Factory? We think it is a conspiracy to make them look cooler, and we don't like it one bit. Plus, of course, their food is completely ridiculous. Their new "weight management" salads have about 600 calories each. We don't even want to know what's in the other fun salads. You've all heard about their carrot cake that has more calories than a Big Mac, but we also want to tell you that one slice of their chocolate mousse cheesecake has 780 calories and a piece of their Southern Pecan Cake has 960. So do your shopping and then go have dinner outside of the mall. Your body will thank you.

3. Auntie Anne's Pretzels

We don't know whose aunt Anne is, but we feel bad for him or her. No, these pretzels are not as bad for you as a Cinnabon, but they do have (on average) 350-450 calories each, and that's before you add dipping sauces or any of that nonsense. This is way more calories than a pretzel should ever have. Plus, they never really taste as great as you expect, do they? They've always been sitting out a bit too long, or at least they taste like they have. We'd rather spend the same amount of money on an entire bag of pretzels at the supermarket, because that giant bag will also have the same amount of calories as just one of Anne's. Oh, and we're not going to even waste our time talking about their pretzel dogs, because you already know better than that.

4. Fake Chinese Food

The brands vary coast to coast but you know exactly what we're talking about here - the fake Asian cuisine that is really fast food. It may be fast Chinese food, but it is still fast food, and that means you shouldn't eat it. This stuff is just coated with oil and grease, not to mention even scarier ingredients like MSG and high fructose everything. After we eat this stuff, we always want to take either a shower or a nap and the mall is not a good place for either of these things. You've been warned.

5. Orange Julius

We're not picking on this Julius kid - every juice or smoothie chain out there is guilty of the same thing. They trick you into thinking that you're being good to your body by ordering a giant Styrofoam cup filled with slushy sugar, and it's just not true. The drinks at Orange Julius run from 200 calories for a small OJ to 800 for a large strawberry banana. Someone please tell us why you would want to waste all those calories on a beverage! You'll still be hungry the minute you find the restroom and pee it all out, so do us all a favor and eat a freaking piece of fruit when you get home from the mall, instead.

For more tips, pick up a copy of How To Eat Like A Hot Chick: Eat What You Love, Love How You Feel by Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent. In stores everywhere from Collins books.

Comments

[QueenCeleste]

Great observation about the Cheesecake Factory lines! I once visited a grand monstrosity of a CF with obscene waits, at least during my one ill considered foray. After a couple watery gin and tonics in their bar, I'd had my fill, forever.

[Sciguy]

Ah, I do miss the Orange Julius. They don't have those here (my small town in Kentucky). I'm 52, and I've had 2 of those in my entire life - one that my Dad bought me when I was a little kid Up North, and one a few years ago when I went to a mall Up North.

I used to be skinny, and now I'm fat. This is not the fault of mall fast food, which I don't eat when I do get to a mall. It's my fault. When I go grocery shopping, nobody makes me buy candy - I do it. Nobody makes me buy cookies, either - yep, me again. Those yummy brownies at WalMart? Yeah, I buy those - I actually go to the bakery section to look for them.

The foods mentioned in the article can also be prepared at home, with WAY fewer calories. For example, fried rice made from a recipe in my Chinese-English cookbook has very little fat - you just don't need much oil to stir-fry the mix. If you're craving cinnamon, you can make Bisquick biscuits with fewer calories, and pour on as much cinnamon (with a touch of sugar, no frosting!) as you want. Now, if only I could stick to home-made foods and quit buying chocolate.­..

[billyjoe]

Too bad the people most susceptible to high-caloric places like Orange Julius, fast food Chinese, and The Cheesecake Factory will not be reading Jodi and Cerina's posting, nor do they even know about sites like The Huffington Post.

The article will only make the beautiful people in West Los Angeles feel even more superior that they avoid such eateries as a rule.

In fact, I'll bet a lot of them are a nightmare to wait on, what with their endless questions about ingredients and their penchant for requesting substitutions and special orders.

[avicenna]

I guess mall food epitomizes what a mall is - a consumer heaven. Probably the best thing you can do for yourself is not frequenting that beacon of bacon too often (if you have to at all). I am a member of the CSPI (Centre for Science for Public Interest: http://www.cspinet.org/) who work towards better informing people about what's in their food as well as urging policy makers to make it easier for people to lead a healthy life. The CSPI put out the Restaurant Confidential - a must have for people who eat out a lot.
In regards to not having a good option (at the mall or otherwise) - bullocks! Are there "Souplantation" type vendors out there? No Japanese food retailers where one can pick up a simple snack of steamed edamame beans with miso soup? There is often a deli like place where you make your own sandwich - using whole grain bread, holding the mayo, and bulking up on the veggies. There is always a choice - it is upto you to be informed as to what a good choice would be - and wanting to treat yourself well by keeping the crap out of your system.

[meeneecat]

That burger in the picture (on the front page) looks so gross! I guess that's why I don't eat meat.

[samuraijack]

That hamburger is as big as that kid's head. I think meals should be proportional to body weight, like less than 10% weight ratio.

[ShockandAutism]

it's a mall. you deserve what you get.

you can deep fry turds, stick a toothpick in 'em and every limp lidded loser that warbles by in some Abercrombie & Cliche cap will pop them in their pie holes without a moments thought.

they use casino mentality which is why buffets in Vegas are basically sewage troughs with spoons.

and remember like casinos the house always wins.

[schmuckwithearlaps]

You ladies may be receiving an interesting note from the Cheesecake Factory's legal department.
Why single them out to bash over waiting times?
Have you got your facts right, or is all based on one bad experience? Regarding the calories in the big desserts, I would like to think that anyone who orders a big slab of chocy cake is hardly being blindsided by the restaurant.
Yes, we should all adopt lifestyles in which we eat right and never order monster desserts. But please do not blame our mistakes on a anyone but ourselves.

[werbenjagermanjensen]

Thanks for the warning about "fast food Chinese." I had some vegetable fried rice at the train station not long ago and thought I was being so smart.

[mpgarr]

Well--everything in moderation---if one only has something like a funnel cake, a mall hot pretzel or a Cinnnabon once every so often-then why not---but to make it a regluar thing--of course not--but the truth be told--99.9­9 percent of the foods the food industry sells us is killing us--it is time we bring these folks to accountability too---they are just as guilty of having blood on their hands as are those like Bush/Chene­y/Rumsfeld­/Wolfowitz­/Kristol and their ilk who sold us this shitty war and the rapid murder of over 3,000 of our troops--those who sell us shitty food are guilty of the slow murder of just about everyone in America and many places beyond...

[sherifffruitfly]

Though they're certainly not haute cuisine, I have no problem with any of those foods. Of course, I'm a 6'2" 180lb male athlete, which gives me a lot wider range of food options than perhaps some other folks.

[starboymikey]

Geez, ladies, you've left out the most guilty mall pleasure of them all ... the quarter pounder with cheese, accompanied by a large order of fries and a chocolate shake.

Any clue how many calories and how much fat this undeniably yummy lunch contains?

And one other question, does it help my heart if I have a small side-salad with (not instead of) the above?

[gala1]

Has it ever occurred to anyone that fast food NEVER tastes as good as it smells?
If there were ever a way to illustrate the difference between ideal and reality, over-processed swill on plastic would have to be it.

The truest thing you can say a about fast food is after a few bites, you are, at the very least, gagged out by the sugar and grease and sorry you've eaten it.

So why not take advantage of the fact that these things are generally way too big and split it in half. Or preferably thirds.
And have a non-sugary drink with it to fill the rest of you up . Hot drinks make you feel a lot fuller than cold. Wait five minutes before thinking about eating the other half and you very probably won't.

The long-ago summer I learned how to drink tea - hot or iced- unsweetened as a default beverage was the best thing I have ever done for my body.
Over the years I must have avoided putting millions of empty calories onto my body.

You can't work off the calories in a whole whatever while at the mall, but you can probably work off the better part of a third.

Ask the counter help to cut it up and either share it or take it home for daylight the next day. You don't want to eat the rest of that at night when you can't work it off.

It's a thriftily sensible way of having your Cinnibun and eating it, too.

Favorite Swill is one of life's cheaper pleasures. It's how much and how often you end up eating it that really matters.

So don't eat it unless it's something you really love and try eating before you go to the mall to save your money and your body.
It's like finding an extra $5.00 to 10.00 more to spend on the things you really do want.

gala

[Crowhaul]

Great article. :)

The basic rule in living well is to avoid all Corporate Food. Period.

Hell, I even bake my own bread nowadays to avoid the preservative-laden crap in the stores...

[UnionJok]

When starving, I recommend trying the hors d'oeuvre tray outside the Lucky Wok to stave off hunger. The price is right, as is the tasty marmalade sauce on the dark meat chicken.