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Hot Chicks Q&A: Ups And Downs Of Ultimatums

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Our second book, HOW TO LOVE LIKE A HOT CHICK: The Girlfriend to Girlfriend Guide to Getting the Love You Deserve, will be released this January, and we are already getting flooded with emails from Hot Chicks of all ages who are looking for some fun, uplifting advice on love, dating, and relationships. We've received a few emails specifically about engagements and marriage ultimatums, such as the one below. So many women in relationships are faced with a loudly ticking biological clock and don't know how to get to the next step in their relationship without giving their man a nasty ultimatum. It's hard to find the balance between saying what you want with love and putting so much pressure on your man that he ends up running in the other direction faster than Michael Phelps swims the butterfly. Since this seems to be such a common issue among women, we wanted to share our response with all of you in hopes that one more Hot Chick can stop stressing about having a ring on her finger and start enjoying her relationship.

Q: I know your next book out is "How to Love Like a Hot Chick." I need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 ½ years (I'm 27) and I want to take things to the next level. I want to be engaged. We've discussed it, and that's where he wants to head, as well, but not at the same time as me. I told him about 9 months ago that I see myself engaged to him by the end of the year, or else I'm afraid I have to move on, because I want to be married! I know he's been looking at rings recently. However, we just spoke about it last night, and he said he's not sure he's going to be ready, and he's shocked that I put a time limit on it, etc. But mutual friends and family feel as if he is headed in that direction. I want to stick firm to what I said, so he takes me seriously, but I am so confused. What do I do?!

A: First of all, let us remind you that you are a total Hot Chick, and a very important part of being a Hot Chick is being able to know what you want and be honest about it. We commend you for being clear with yourself, the universe and your boyfriend about what you want! Now let's help you get it...

First of all, we want to make absolutely sure that this is the guy that you really want to marry. It's not that we don't trust you, but we know lots of girls who want so badly to be married that they settle for someone who isn't worthy of them. We don't want you to do that and it doesn't sound like you are, but we want you first to check in with yourself to make sure. Once you're positive, we want you to relax a little bit - what a wonderful thing to know you've met the guy you want to marry! Just enjoy that knowledge for a moment. It sounds to us like you and your boyfriend are both on the same page, and it's just your fear that it's not gonna happen that is causing you anxiety. You have to let that go. You have said what you want. You have been very clear. He knows what you want. And you may not like it, but we think you have to let it go. Stop stressing and counting down the days until your ultimatum is up, and instead put your energy into nurturing yourself and your relationship.

Sometimes guys move at a different speed than us. It takes some of them a bit more time to completely get behind the idea of "forever," but you can't let that make you feel insecure. It's not about you; it's about him figuring out what he wants out of life just like you did. He knows what you want, and now you just need to let him get there. That will be more fun for both of you! Let him surprise you. Let him get excited about the idea of picking out a ring and getting down on one knee. Let him enjoy the process of getting engaged and we think it will all go a lot more smoothly. Of course, you don't have to wait for a proposal - you can propose to him! But you have to decide what is honestly more important to you: making the engagement happen yourself right now or having the experience of being proposed to by the man you love. Only you know which one of those will feel more right to you.

We have totally been through this and we know how frustrating it is. We've also seen many of our friends give their men ultimatums; sometimes it works out, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes men do need a little kick in the pants to get them moving, but the truth is that you've already done that. You did your job, and unless you want to be the one doing the proposing, you really just need to let it go and focus on your relationship. Focus on your intimacy and friendship, have fun together, and just stop worrying about getting married. You're young and you have plenty of time to get married one day, and we promise that it will happen when the time is right.

Now, if a lot of time goes by and your boyfriend doesn't come around, you will know what to do. You have to trust yourself and your intuition. You will know when the time is right to move on. But if you really, truly love him and if this man is really truly the one for you, you will not be able to walk away from the relationship--and neither will he. Don't worry that you will make the wrong decision. Just focus on your love and trust that everything will happen at the right time.

We wish you all the love and luck in the world. Keep us posted, and keep the questions coming!

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