Hot Chicks Q&A: Ups And Downs Of Ultimatums

Our second book, HOW TO LOVE LIKE A HOT CHICK: The Girlfriend to Girlfriend Guide to Getting the Love You Deserve, will be released this January, and we are already getting flooded with emails from Hot Chicks of all ages who are looking for some fun, uplifting advice on love, dating, and relationships. We've received a few emails specifically about engagements and marriage ultimatums, such as the one below. So many women in relationships are faced with a loudly ticking biological clock and don't know how to get to the next step in their relationship without giving their man a nasty ultimatum. It's hard to find the balance between saying what you want with love and putting so much pressure on your man that he ends up running in the other direction faster than Michael Phelps swims the butterfly. Since this seems to be such a common issue among women, we wanted to share our response with all of you in hopes that one more Hot Chick can stop stressing about having a ring on her finger and start enjoying her relationship.

Q: I know your next book out is "How to Love Like a Hot Chick." I need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 ½ years (I'm 27) and I want to take things to the next level. I want to be engaged. We've discussed it, and that's where he wants to head, as well, but not at the same time as me. I told him about 9 months ago that I see myself engaged to him by the end of the year, or else I'm afraid I have to move on, because I want to be married! I know he's been looking at rings recently. However, we just spoke about it last night, and he said he's not sure he's going to be ready, and he's shocked that I put a time limit on it, etc. But mutual friends and family feel as if he is headed in that direction. I want to stick firm to what I said, so he takes me seriously, but I am so confused. What do I do?!

A: First of all, let us remind you that you are a total Hot Chick, and a very important part of being a Hot Chick is being able to know what you want and be honest about it. We commend you for being clear with yourself, the universe and your boyfriend about what you want! Now let's help you get it...

First of all, we want to make absolutely sure that this is the guy that you really want to marry. It's not that we don't trust you, but we know lots of girls who want so badly to be married that they settle for someone who isn't worthy of them. We don't want you to do that and it doesn't sound like you are, but we want you first to check in with yourself to make sure. Once you're positive, we want you to relax a little bit - what a wonderful thing to know you've met the guy you want to marry! Just enjoy that knowledge for a moment. It sounds to us like you and your boyfriend are both on the same page, and it's just your fear that it's not gonna happen that is causing you anxiety. You have to let that go. You have said what you want. You have been very clear. He knows what you want. And you may not like it, but we think you have to let it go. Stop stressing and counting down the days until your ultimatum is up, and instead put your energy into nurturing yourself and your relationship.

Sometimes guys move at a different speed than us. It takes some of them a bit more time to completely get behind the idea of "forever," but you can't let that make you feel insecure. It's not about you; it's about him figuring out what he wants out of life just like you did. He knows what you want, and now you just need to let him get there. That will be more fun for both of you! Let him surprise you. Let him get excited about the idea of picking out a ring and getting down on one knee. Let him enjoy the process of getting engaged and we think it will all go a lot more smoothly. Of course, you don't have to wait for a proposal - you can propose to him! But you have to decide what is honestly more important to you: making the engagement happen yourself right now or having the experience of being proposed to by the man you love. Only you know which one of those will feel more right to you.

We have totally been through this and we know how frustrating it is. We've also seen many of our friends give their men ultimatums; sometimes it works out, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes men do need a little kick in the pants to get them moving, but the truth is that you've already done that. You did your job, and unless you want to be the one doing the proposing, you really just need to let it go and focus on your relationship. Focus on your intimacy and friendship, have fun together, and just stop worrying about getting married. You're young and you have plenty of time to get married one day, and we promise that it will happen when the time is right.

Now, if a lot of time goes by and your boyfriend doesn't come around, you will know what to do. You have to trust yourself and your intuition. You will know when the time is right to move on. But if you really, truly love him and if this man is really truly the one for you, you will not be able to walk away from the relationship--and neither will he. Don't worry that you will make the wrong decision. Just focus on your love and trust that everything will happen at the right time.

We wish you all the love and luck in the world. Keep us posted, and keep the questions coming!

Comments

[Badbone]

Dear hot chicks, My relationship is going great! We are happy in every way. But now I want to move it into an artificial and conforming construct for no good reason. He doesn't want that. How do I force him?

Sarcasm aside, let me be clear here. If you are in a relationship for 8+ years, you are for all intents and purposes married. A ring doesn't make a marriage. Love and commitement does. But insistance on a ring can break it up.

Marriage is not the "next level". You are already on the highest level you can be. Love.

[rockyersocksoff]

I wanna get married
Yes, I need a spouse
I want a nice Leave it to Beaverish
Golden retriever and a little white house
I wanna get married
I need to cook meals
I wanna pack you cute little lunches
For my Brady bunches
Then read Danielle Steele
I wanna escape
This rat race I've created
I'm feelin' enervated
I don't care if I make it
I just want to bake a sugar cake for you
To take to work in the morn
And I'll stay home cleaning the dishes
And keeping your wishes all warm
I wanna get married
That's why I was born

I wanna partake in bake sales for the classroom
I wanna hear the sweet tune
Of Sally's little vroom-vroom
As she zooms around my broom
As I exhume the gloom
Of my shallow life
I wanna be simple and honest and dimpled
'cause I am your wife
I will never tarry
I'm not even torn
I wanna get married
That's why I was born

"I Wanna Get Married" Nellie McKay

YouTube - watch her on The View

[Paradym]

It's the 21st century now, we need to start moving on in regards to marriage paradigms.

If marriage is that important to you then find someone who shares that value. Many people are realizing that marriage - the ring, the wedding, honeymoon, etc. - is a shallow and expensive endeavor. Add to that the expectations that marriage is about true love and it should last upwards of 70 years is a relatively new phenomena and is completely unrealistic.

If this woman loves this man, and he loves her, and their relationship is solid and good, then that should be all that matters. Like aFlyoverzperson stated, live your life, work towards your goals, and if he is there with you then excellent, and if not then move on. This is your one shot at life, and this is his, so stop thinking you have to live it a certain way and stop expecting him to share your desires in that regard. Be original, be authentic and live truthfully.

[rlugbill]

Up until about 50 years ago, men wanted to get married. Women were wooed and beautiful women had many offers of marriage.

Now, sex is easy to come by. That's certainly not a reason to marry any more. And single guys see the lack of freedom in their married friends. Or, ex-friends, since once you get married, there's no time to spend with your friends anymore.

And, they see what happens to most marriages- divorce. And the guy is not only stuck without the house or the kids- he's stuck with the bill- child support and alimony and lawyer's fees. Who would want to enter an institution where you would probably end up losing everything you worked for at the end of it?

[OtayPanky]

OMG I missed you guys SOOO MUCH!

Us hot chicks - us REALLY hot chicks - need all the hot advice we can get because we deserve the best, we want the best and we ARE the best!

You go, girlfriends. Keep telling us everything we need to hear so we can live our lives at maxi-hotness.

[robXdion]

First piece of advice. . . . forget that you are so hot and men accept you more as a human being instead of the trophy you present yourself as. Many women need to have better self-awareness of what they say and how they come off. You wouldn't like your attitude coming from a man, it's probably a good bet the men wouldn't like it coming from you either.

[OtayPanky]

robXdion: First piece of advice

===

From The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce:

ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.

"The man was in such deep distress,"
Said Tom, "that I could do no less
Than give him good advice."

Said Jim: "If less could have been done for him
I know you well enough, my son,
To know that's what you would have done."

[DRaymond]

Lately there has been such a big deal about elaborate proposals (coming in no small part from later marriages) that it has created a kind of performance anxiety among men, that their proposal won't measure up to the tales that her girlfriends tell about their proposals. The same can also be said about the need for a big diamond in the ring and a fairy-tale extravaganza at the wedding.

So reduce his anxiety by sayin that he doesn't have to impress you with a showy proposal, you are already impressed enough.

[Eek909]

If they have different priorities (which seems to be the case), she should move on.

[aFlyoverPerson]

Oh, good grief. So much focus on a ring. Looking back, I'd say:

A. Never depend on someone else to make you happy. You are in charge of that.
B. Don't wait on someone else to make life's decisions. Move ahead with your education, career, child bearing on a schedule that fits you. If a man decides to become part of it, fine. You might be lucky to find one that will, but don't derail yourself waiting on him.
C. Expect him to do the same for himself.
D. Remember that none of us, even the therapists and advice-givers, are 100% perfect at this relationship thing. You are in good company.

[mommadona]

*WTF?

Girl, I didn't fight for over 30 years for a regress to the '50s.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[classykaren]

This is bad advise she has waisted 8 years of her life with a man that can not even get engaged???It is time for her to move on if not engaged by christmas