Spring Break Wisdom

Unless you live in Arizona or screw it up like we often do, your clocks will spring ahead this weekend. And that hour of extra sunlight means that (yay) it's almost spring. The start of spring gets us excited about eating pastel-colored eggs, bunny-shaped chocolates, or the slightly less pretty haroses and gefilte fish. But it also makes us think about a more impious tradition associated with spring - spring break.

The closest we ever came to spring break was a weekend in Vermont eating Ben & Jerry's by the fire. We just never had the money or an entire week to spare on nothing but senseless debauchery. We're kind of sad that we missed out, but if you're like us and you're thinking about joining your little sister and her friends this year to make up for lost time, we want to remind you that spring break is meant exclusively for undergrads. Anyone over the age of 25 doesn't have the immune system, liver capacity and/or patience to sleep six to a room after spending all day in the sun sucking on the business end of a keg. A friend of ours proved this recently by contracting meningitis when he tagged along on spring break with a bunch of kids 10 years his junior.

So if you are in college, remember that this is your one and only chance to live it up! Enjoy spring break for all it's worth and make some ridiculous memories. But please take some advice from your elders. First of all, the key to not doing anything you'll totally regret when you're our age is to not get too drunk. Don't get us wrong - you can get drunk, just not too drunk. Go ahead and down mixed drinks, but match each one with a glass (sorry, a giant red plastic cup) of water. The only double fisting you should do (of any kind) is with water. Also remember that the crazier your drink's name, the more sugar and high fructose B.S. it has added to it. So skip the "Surfer on Acid," and you'll be less likely to accidentally wake up next to an actual surfer on acid.

If you're a beer-chugging type of co-ed, we'll allow it, since you're in college. But girls, remember that the only time you don't have to keep up with the guys is when it comes to beer. We think that a girl who drinks too many beers with the guys is kind of like the guy who's a little bit too willing to go shoe shopping. It's suspicious. Also remember how very important food is when it comes to alcohol. It can make the difference between puking your guts out alone in your room and making out on the beach with the guy who twitterpated you all semester. Just don't take clues from him about what to eat. The college male's body was built to run on beer bongs and Long Island Ice Teas on an empty stomach, followed by death dogs swallowed whole at 4:00 a.m. But you girls should try to eat at least one meal your mom would approve of for every day you're on spring break.

If you follow these rules, use condoms religiously and don't fall for some Girls Gone Wild knockoff, you're on your way to the remorse-free spring break that you surely deserve after working so hard all semester. Ahem.

But if you missed spring break, that doesn't mean you have to miss out. If you don't have a lot of time and money, turn your extra hour into a special happy hour - go with some friends to an extra-cool hotel bar and sip expensive, high calorie drinks by the pool. Or if you have some extra cash, plan a weekend getaway with some friends or your sweetie and have a grown-up spring break. Go somewhere cheaper and more relaxing than Cancun or Daytona and lie in the sun, order room-service, get a massage, read that book you've meaning to get around to, have sex with someone you actually like, turn off your frankenberry and just take the "break" in spring break literally. Then give yourself a real break and thank your body (with all its flaws) for forcing you to grow up and take care of it.

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For more tips, visit www.heydayproductions.com or pick up a copy of HOW TO EAT LIKE A HOT CHICK: Eat What You Love, Love How You Feel, by Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent.

Comments

[VivaZapata]

Spring Break Wisdom is a good example of oxymoronic.

[aigeanta]

I think Spring Break is nasty. But nobody cares what I think.

[dora rice]

Go for it.!!

[blewkarma]

Sounds like consensus here is mo' sex, drugs and rock & roll, then go out and build a Habitat for Humanity. LOL

[PeaceLoveVote]

Not saying this wasn't fun, or needed, but the "old" spring break of the 50's 60's 70's and 80's are being replaced with the newest generation of today.
Out with the vile drinking and immorality.
In with the rebuilding of the poor neighborhoods and lending their young hands to peaceful and non traditional types of spring break. Kids have changed. Not drastically, but DEFINITELY noticeably!

Yes, things have changed in the kids of today.
If you look closely, there are millions and millions teaming up to lend their abundant education and caring souls to help those that are in need, come spring break!
20 years ago their were no signs of these activities at spring break.
I was in Ft. Lauderdale through the late 80's and the things that went on were quite vile, and NEVER ENDING!
I was 20 then.
I joined the activities once or twice but didnt like the trouble, so I moved west.

Now, a certain law, order and cleanliness have replaced those days.
The crowds are far fewer then ever before and I feel the days of the "partying" spring break are coming to an end.
Millions of college kids hit the campaign trail for Dr. Ron Paul in 07, and gave up their trips to Cancun and Panama City Beach or where ever!

This was not reported in the media but the states of Iowa and New Hampshire had 10's of thousands of Christmas vacationers and college kids ready for change, fighting for him in these first battle ground states.
I know you think, Obama has these kids now.
This is not true.
He has some, but
there are more schools across the country that still support Ron Paul over Mr. Obama, but they are silenced. The "mock" vision of change is STRONG!

They say, Dr. Paul has quit the race.
They do not report on him for 3 months, since the first primaries, but now, when they do report, they tell a complete falsehood saying he "quit" the race.
No such thing has happened!
I know this.
Have you heard the campaign say directly, "Ron is dropping out?"

NO!

YOU HAVENT HEARD THIS!

He will lay low. He is conservative, he will not spend anymore money now. He uses this tactic here in Tx-14 every time he runs.
There are 6 months to election day and he WILL NOT GIVE HIS CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS to the vile MSM during this period, like they were promised from the establishment.
Yes, the MSM are Being screwed out of their deal with the powers that be.
They thought they would be raking in Cash right now in advertizing, but everyone is already broke.
They have spent to much.
Look at their financials.
Do not go by the Media.
They do not subtract what they have spent, only what they have MADE!
PAUL has 6 million COH and this is enough to win a Presidential election.
He knows this.
He is practiced at this!

IT IS NOT OVER UNTIL THE PEOPLE SING!

[cruisepuppy7452a]

As a parent, I and my daughter watched on 20/20, an episode of teens gone wild on spring break. To say we were both disgusted by the behaviors of those kids, the chaparones, hotels, ect. is an understatement. Neither of us are prudes, we love to sunbath, go to the beach, take cruises, and we have a blast. What bothered both of us was the carelessness of the girls, so willing to be sucked in by too much alcohol, poor judgement, a need to fit in. You don't need all of that to have fun. You can still take a cruise, sunbathe, go to thier supervised parties, see sites, with friends, and have fun, without losing your top, virginity, cookies, and reputation. I know what you are thinking, I must be some puritanical parent. Nope, to the contrary. I just know kids fail to realize how thier actions will come back to haunt them, thier families, friends, if things go too far and get too out of hand. Drinking to excess is neither funny or safe. Its dumb and dangerous. Throw in the date rape drug, which may of those clubs have, and its a dissaster. Ya really want to add insult to injury, throw in teen pregnancy. Try to fight that one in court, " the girl was drunk and asking for it." Um, you will not be taken seriously. If just one parent reads this, they need to talk to thier kids about all of this. If not, they have only themselves to blame.

[Libsrule]

Good advice, but you know as well as I do, that the odds are against you as for them taking this advice.

I've tried to explain to my neices that getting drunk is okay, but getting to black out mode is horribly horribly wrong.

And the gorgeous looking guy? Well you know the odds are he's trying to break his record of most girls laid in 24 hours EVERY day, so save yourself the trouble because chances are he's never going to be interested in whether or not you even get close to the Big O.

Sex on Spring break for girls is wildly overrated. Seriously it is.

For the guys however.....

So I tell them to get mildly drunk DANCE A LOT, cuz right along with water that helps to get rid of the alcohol and remember above all.....BOYS LIE!!!

[OpponentProcess]

everyone knows you can't get AIDS on spring break.

[marko77]

"everyone knows you can't get AIDS on spring break" by Opponent Process

Process: You are correct because Spring breakers don't share infected needles and the sex is heterosexual. That being said, Is Spring Break behavior way over the top? Yes.
Is this natural given where most kids are today? yes again. Therefore, is the "advice" by Jodi and Cerena laughable? Absolutely.

[Steambomb]

One word. Condom.

[Orlando]

5 rules of Spring Break

1. Eat too much
2. Drink too much
3. Use Sunscreen
4. Use condoms
5. Go crazy, you only live once!

[marko77]

I like Jody and Cerena's advice:

Don't get totally shit-faced. Go half-way. (As if anyone will listen to these old ladies)

Don't screw 20 people. Limit it to 10. (As if anyone will listen.....)

Don't contract Aids. Be happy with the something penecillin can handle. (As if anyone will listen....)

And if you can't travel to some beach to get high, drunk, and laid, just do it in your own double-wide. (And again, as if anyone....)