THE BLOG
09/24/2013 05:24 pm ET Updated Nov 24, 2013

Need A Pep Talk? Here You Go!

You're feeling down. You need a pep talk. You know what? Fuck a fucking pep talk. You don't need a pep talk. You're a badass!

Get up. Seriously, right now, get up and read this while standing. Don't sit. You're not a sitter, you're a doer! You DO shit! That's you! And you know what you should do instead of feeling bad right now?

You should:

Drink two Red Bulls and go yell at an asshole who parked in a handicapped parking spot without a permit! Justice is awesome. Be the instrument of justice.

Go pick up a cigarette butt that a careless litterbug tossed aside and hand it back to them and say "You dropped this! I'm sure it was by accident, and I wanted to make sure you got it back so you could do something PROPER with it!"

Sprint. Any distance you choose. And scream "Fuck cheetahs! I'm the one to beat!" While you're doing it. It releases endorphins, which are drugs that make you feel awesome. And you're awesome. So start feeling it.

Wear pink EVERYTHING. If someone laughs, laugh back at them for being too cowardly to pull it off. Call them jealous. Because they are, because you're fucking epic and they're not. After all, they're not wearing pink everything, are they?

Go to a drive-through. Order only water, and hand the worker a 10 dollar bill and say "SOLIDARITY, BROTHER AND/OR SISTER!" We've all worked the hard jobs. Show them you care. Compassion is power, man.

Go to Starbucks and buy everyone in line a coffee. Your cost: five to ten bucks. But you just made the day of a bunch of people who will spread that good vibe everywhere!

Fix something. There's broken shit everywhere. Maybe a picture is crooked, or you have a running toilet, or your oil light is on... Google that shit. Learn about that shit. FIX THAT SHIT. That's what badasses do. They fix broken shit. And you're a badass, so fix something that's broken right now!

Send someone who is down this pep talk. Because fuck a pep talk. Take action. It ALWAYS makes you feel better, 100 percent of the time, and you deserve to feel good. More importantly, you deserve to feel better than you do right now. And so do they. So make them feel better. It'll make YOU feel better.

Feel free to bookmark this and use it whenever you need. Share it on Facebook and Twitter and G+ and anywhere else you think people who need a pick-me-up will read it.

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View the original post at My Journal! You can preorder my latest book Everyone Deserves To Know What I Think!

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