THE BLOG
02/12/2013 12:09 pm ET Updated Apr 14, 2013

Pope a Free Agent at the End of the Month

Pope Benedict XVI, leader of the Roman Catholic Church, has broken his contract with the Holy See. As with married couples, the Pope had a "'til death do us part" clause in his contract. On Monday, the Pope gave his two weeks' notice, stating in Latin that he was tired of dressing like a girl and sniffing incense all the time.

Because the statement was delivered in Latin, a dead language, it took 15 minutes to dig up a dead person to translate what the Benedict was saying.

Benedict talked about the incense addiction he has suffered for over 50 years. "I just got into a 12-step program, and I realize I am powerless in the presence of God. I have been clean for a week and I know it is one day at a time."

Some surprising reactions from married couples to the Pope breaking his contract. One woman was clearly agitated, glanced at her husband before speaking, "I have to live with this overgrown pompous ass. I can't get out because the Church won't let me. But the Pope gets a little old and it's Good-by Charlie. I would be okay with this if they let the rest of us out of the lifetime commitments."

Possible options that await a Free Agent Pope include: giving up all his earthly belongings and converting to Christianity; filling the opening as the Grand Mufti of Egypt; and a longstanding open invitation from Judaism to lead their flock. The New York Jets have also invited Benedict to compete against Tim Tebow for a slot on their God Squad.

Drew Rosenhaus has been tapped as the Pope's agent, so negotiations are going to be tough.

If the Pope does opt for Judaism, the Catholic Church is going to want a piece of the Wailing Wall. A Vatican spokespriest stated, "We can see doing some redecorating there. We plan to take a portion of the wall, paint it blue and insert images of fish, dolphins and yes, whales to make it a real Whaling Wall. It is just too depressing the way it is now. We can spruce that thing up in no time."

That said, the Jews may have an inside track to get the Pope. Judaism does have an advantage over Islam because they actually use better wine than the Catholics. "The Catholics use that cheap muscatel stuff -- we can do better." The Pope has recently been seen jamming on a ram's horn to Miles Davis CDs.

In order to fill the void at the Vatican, some experienced candidates are in the running for the Big Hat. Both Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum have started exploratory committees as part of a "Run to the See."

If elected, Santorum promised to give up the red slippers in favor of sweater vest vestments.

Gingrich is running on a platform to would allow priest to marry as many times as they need -- until they can get it right.

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