Joel Schwartzberg is an award-winning humor/personal essayist and screenwriter whose work has appeared in Newsweek, The New York Times Magazine, New Jersey Monthly, The New York Post, The New York Daily News, The Star Ledger, Babble.com, and in the flimsy pages of regional parenting magazines around the country.

A collection of his essays, The 40-Year-Old Version, was released by Wyatt/McKenzie Publishing in June, 2009.

A former Nickelodeon producer & head writer, law school dropout, doomed Wheel-of-Fortune contestant, and father of three, Joel maintains a personal portfolio at www.joelschwartzberg.net

Blog Entries by Joel Schwartzberg

Last-Minute Holi-Deals: How Far Will E-tailers Go?

Posted December 23, 2009 | 12:03 PM (EST)


"There's STILL TIME!" an retailer's email is probably screaming at you from your inbox. And it's not the only one begging you for consideration is it?

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Frantic e-tailers know it's desperation time to collect your holiday dollars, and they're pulling out all the stops:...

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School Criticized for "Safe Shakes" Campaign

Posted December 8, 2009 | 05:12 PM (EST)


Utah's Joycelyn Elders Elementary School has become ground zero in a debate over "safe shakes education" -- a campaign encouraging prophylactic measures to protect hand-shaking kids from transmittable viruses.

Created by the school's student council, the safe shakes education program includes posters, flyers, free distribution of hand-sanitizers, and cautionary video...

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What Remarried Dads Owe Their Stepmom Wives

4 Comments | Posted December 1, 2009 | 11:19 PM (EST)


2009-12-02-aaarings.jpgWhen Hollywood superstar Sandra Bullock married TV celebrity Jesse James, she took on the most challenging part of her life - not just his wife, but stepmother to his five-year-old daughter Sunny.

Fresh from playing a reluctant romantic partner in The Proposal, Bullock...

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A Remarried Dad's View of Thanksgiving

Posted November 24, 2009 | 10:02 PM (EST)


I'm looking at a photo of myself topless.

I'm five years old, playing the role of an Indian in my kindergarten Thanksgiving Day play, red war paint on my chest and cheeks, and a paper feather painfully stuck in my head. I remember being much more concerned about exposing my...

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You've Scared Me Away From Movies

7 Comments | Posted October 21, 2009 | 03:46 PM (EST)


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Ever since my parents threw my brother and me into the back seat of the station wagon for films like Benji and The Bad News Bears, I've loved going to the movies. My particular fascination: horror films.

I saw Burnt Offerings at...

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How to Be a Divorced Dad on the First Day of School

1 Comments | Posted September 2, 2009 | 01:37 PM (EST)


2009-09-02-aaaclass.jpgThe night before the first day of school was always the longest night of my life.

I'd lie wide awake for hours, wondering about my locker location, who my lunch table neighbors would be, what my teachers would be like, and whether my Trapper Keeper...

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Top Ten Things Divorced Dads Need to Realize

10 Comments | Posted July 23, 2009 | 04:08 PM (EST)


It seems like a new celebrity father gets divorced every week. Recent divorced dads include Jon Gosselin, Robin Williams, Usher, Mel Gibson, Bradley Whitford, Edward Furlong, and Thomas Jane -- and those are just the famous ones. Roughly half of all American marriages...

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Inspiration or Wince-piration: What Will Kid Movies Be Based on Next?

1 Comments | Posted June 14, 2009 | 02:38 PM (EST)


Now that Hollywood's drawn kid movie inspiration from books, cartoons, and, now, TOYS ("Transformers", "G.I. Joe", and ummmmm, "My Little Pony"), one must ask: What's left to be scraped at the bottom of the kids media barrel?

Consider the following ideas that may or may not be sitting on...

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Is Hugging Bad for Teens?

2 Comments | Posted May 29, 2009 | 02:09 PM (EST)



Today's New York Times reports on the crazy, aberrant, corrupting, ban-worthy teen behavior known as... hugging.

Contemporary adolescents are apparently more prone to gender-neutral, race-neutral, and attraction-neutral hugging that any generation of Americans in history. Amongst teens, hugging is now as common as showing your underwear in public...

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Why Must Kid Films Demonize Divorce?

6 Comments | Posted May 11, 2009 | 02:48 PM (EST)


2009-05-11-huff_tv.jpgWhen my kids stay with me as part of their weekly custody arrangement, we usually spend Saturday mornings eating my wife's homemade pancakes and watching a movie I taped from either the High School Musical channel or the Sponge Bob channel. My nine-year-old son handles...

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What's in a Nonsense Name?

Posted March 17, 2009 | 08:56 PM (EST)


2009-03-18-syfy2.jpgThe trend in giving your company a nonsense name reached a new high when Sci Fi channel announced it was changing its name to "Syfy."

Sci Fi Channel president Dave Howe explains the change to TV Week:

"It made us feel much cooler,...
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Secret List of Scrapped Book Ideas

Posted March 1, 2009 | 03:48 PM (EST)


Around this time last year, a proposed parenting memoir by Britney Spears' mother was "delayed indefinitely" after her 16 year-old daughter Jamie Lynn announced she was pregnant. Of course, Britney Spears' mom putting out a book about successful parenting is kinda like...like...like...well, it's like Britney Spears' mom putting out...

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My Oscar Moment

Posted February 19, 2009 | 01:51 PM (EST)


I attended the Academy Awards in 1991 and 1992. You may remember them as the years Dances with Wolves and The Silence of the Lambs took home multiple awards, but it's more likely you don't remember them at all.

I didn't go as a nominee -- that kind of...

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Who Took St. Valentine Out of V-Day?

Posted February 13, 2009 | 11:32 AM (EST)


What holiday is less connected to its actual historical roots than Valentine's Day? Jesus gets a reasonably strong shout-out on his birthday. President's Day may be the perfect occasion for an underwear sale, but at least Washington's face graces the newspaper ads. Even Punxsutawney Phil got a movie deal. But...

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Super Bowl Party No-Nos

Posted January 28, 2009 | 02:11 PM (EST)


I've seen about 25 Super Bowls, about a third of them at Super Bowl parties. (I'm defining "party" here as simply not being alone). The oddest was a Super Bowl party/law school study group session in 1991, when the Giants beat the Bills by a single point. We brought cases...

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An End to Name-Calling?

Posted January 26, 2009 | 11:59 AM (EST)


2009-01-23-pin.jpgThe Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) has declared January 26-30 "No Name-Calling Week." They're trying to call attention to the destructive effects of name-calling and its ugly stepsisters: harassment and bullying. Considering how gay Americans are still subject to open harassment and...

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Bernie Madoff: Lightning Rod for Anti-Semitism?

Posted December 23, 2008 | 09:07 AM (EST)


First, full disclosure: Bernard Madoff is in my extended family, and many in my family were victimized by his fraud. While I've shared close airspace with Bernie less than 10 times in my life, I've grown up knowing other headline-making Madoffs, and have always found them to be people of...

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Avoid New Year's PREsolutions

Posted December 22, 2008 | 03:41 PM (EST)


I haven't been so good to my own body lately. I'd like to blame the French toast, the mocha lattes, the pizza, and what I call the vast buffalo wing conspiracy. But the blame really lies within myself. I've developed an eat-it-if-it's-there approach to food that has my bathroom scale...

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Guilt, Gelt, and The Gift of Giving

Posted December 8, 2008 | 01:47 PM (EST)


Somewhere in Africa, there's a goat with an unsuspecting Kenyan family's name on it. I adopted the animal for them after coming across the idea in a holiday catalog from the non-profit group Heifer International. But the gift wasn't only for the Kenyan family; it was also for my...

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I Suffer From Campaign Withdrawal

Posted November 7, 2008 | 12:57 PM (EST)


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After the election, I knew I should be happy. Not only did my side win, but a year's worth of CNN-fueled dread and anxiety had come to a final end, and I had more free time to enjoy pastimes like eating, sleeping, and watching...

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