The New York April Fools' Committee Announces:
New York City's 29th Annual April Fools' Day Parade
"Everybody Must Get Stoned"
For three decades, New York City's Annual April Fools' Day Parade has offered the public an opportunity to express, in a comical way, its outrage against the foolishness of mankind. Thousands of participants in look-alike costumes with satirical floats creatively mock the thoughtless, corrupt and selfish acts of the past year. Kicking off at noon on Tuesday, April 1, the parade will march down 5th Avenue from 59th Street to Washington Square Park where revelers will party down. It will conclude with the annual crowning of the King of Fools. Spread the word!
The 29th Annual April Fools' Day Parade will begin at Fifth Avenue and 59th Street at 12 noon, Tuesday, April 1, 2014. Rain or shine, the parade will march down Fifth Avenue to Washington Square Park for the climactic selection of the King of Fools from the costumed marching look-alikes.
The New York April Fools' Day Parade was created in 1986 to remedy a glaring omission in the long list of New York's ethnic and holiday parades. These events fail to recognize the importance of April 1st, the day designated to commemorate the folly of mankind. In an attempt to bridge this gap and bring people back in touch with their inherent foolishness, the parade annually crowns a King or Queen of Fools from parading look-alikes.
The theme for this year's parade is "Everybody Must Get Stoned." The parade blasts off with Bob Dylan's hit song by the same name sung by the U.S. Congress Marching Band. Grand Marshall Barack Obama marches toward the ever moving "red line." He will be joined by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford trying to march unassisted. Color commentary will be provided by Dennis Rodman.
The first float will be the U.S. Land-Based Nuclear Missile float with all participants either stoned or sleeping. This will be followed by President Ken Hamm with his Creationist Museum Flintstone float featuring Barney & Wilma and Dino the Dinosaur. Then comes the Westboro Baptist float. Bystanders beware: the Baptists misunderstood the theme of the parade and will be stoning other marchers and spectators. Then there will be a Commercial Airplane float looking for the right place to land. Mike Huckabee's Vagina float will provide educational material on the physical and political function of the vagina. Pushing the limits of float size this year will be the Discovery Channel's Megaladon Monster Shark float, which will explain any peculiar parade odors. Expect an intentional gridlock at 34th Street and 5th Avenue as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie supporters slowly make their way cross town to the Lincoln Tunnel.
Marching celebrity look-alikes will include the shirtless Russian President Vladimir Putin shouting anti-gay slurs; Carlos Danger, a.k.a. Anthony Weiner texting selfies; Fox News's Megyn Kelly shouting "Santa is white. So is Jesus. Just get over it!" while San Diego Mayor Bob Filner tries to cop a feel and a kiss. Also see weathercaster Al Roker pitching his new Depends line to a twerking Miley Cyrus; Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson quoting from his duck bible; celebrity chef Paula Deen with her mouth taped shut; and Geraldo Rivera and Arizona's Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio teaming up to find suspicious-looking people wearing hoodies or carrying backpacks. Bringing up the rear will be the 2013 King of Fools Ted Cruz shouting, "Shut it down, shut it down!".
As the parade enters Washington Square Park, the festivities will begin. Food concessions will include a salmonella-infected chicken tasting; 10 million pounds of McDonald's mighty wings; recalled Chobani GM yogurt; and lab-cloned hamburgers. All will have caffeine added to provide an energy boost to speed your way to the hospital. There will also be a Fukushima glow-in-the-dark sushi bar. Beyond food concessions, there will be an NSA Booth, manned by Dir. of National Intelligence James R. Clapper, where you can get free transcripts of your important phone calls and emails; a Get-Your-Measles-Here booth courtesy of Televangelist Kenneth Copland; and a Target Customer Service booth where you can reclaim your identity. Come prepared with your Social Security and PIN numbers. The Obamacare Sign-up booth will be temporarily down.
This year's parade will be televised live by Fox News. London's recently extracted 15-ton Monster Blob sewage of congealed fat and baby wipes will be rolled down 5th Avenue to clean up after the parade, then ceremoniously set aflame.
The public is encouraged to participate, in or out of costume, with or without floats, and may join the procession at any point along the parade route. Floats can be no wider than 10′ and no longer than 30′. They can be self-propelled, towed, pushed or pulled. Customized bicycles, tricycles, baby carriages and aerial balloons are welcome. All participants are costumed look-alikes, and the Parade Committee assumes no liability for damages caused by satire. Parade floats and marchers must be at 59th Street and Fifth Ave no later than 11:30am.
We are grateful for the generous support of billionaires Sheldon Adelson and the Koch Brothers and for an Anonymous donation of Bitcoins. Free food and drinks, plus luxury hotel room gift certificates will be provided by the IRS.
The King of Fools will be chosen based on the loudest cheers at Washington Square Park. The winner will reign through March 31, 2015.
Follow Joey Skaggs on Twitter: www.twitter.com/artoftheprank