As women have moved into the workforce, many dads -- some by choice, others by necessity -- have begun to be more active at home. No longer able to rely on the traditional roles, 'man the breadwinner/woman the caretaker,' modern dads and moms have an unprecedented opportunity to redefine a more involved and healthier version of fatherhood for generations to come.
Whether it means leaving work early to make a performance, joining the parent organization at school, becoming a stay-at-home parent, many modern dads are determined to show up for our families in ways that our own fathers could not or did not. However, we're also just discovering what most mothers have known for years: doing it all ain't so easy.
Unfortunately, the emerging discussion about modern fatherhood -- as it relates to work-life balance, gender roles, parenting, and women's issues -- is already devolving into 'who's got it worse or who is less appreciated, mom or dad?' I was disheartened to see so many unproductive responses to both a recent Boston College study detailing the challenges men face in a mostly father-unfriendly workplace and the NY Times Magazine article, Now Dad Feels As Stressed as Mom.
If modern dads are going to step fully into parenting, we as a society must:
Take the challenges modern dads face more seriously -- whether that's a work-life conflict or an increase in stress due to the increasing demands of home life. Moms' challenges matter too; this is not a zero-sum game.
Acknowledge how radically and quickly the identity and expectations for men today are changing. For a man who grew up believing his self-worth is measured by his success at work, doing most of the childcare because his wife's earns more, could plausibly lead to his experiencing strong feelings of shame, anger, and failure. If not addressed, his health and the well-being of his family could suffer.
Show boys and men (girls, women too) what the potential payoff of being a fully involved dad actually looks like. Leading parenting workshops in schools over the last decade, I've heard dads become more vocal about their desire to have closer relationships at home; I wrote a very practical book, The Modern Dad's Dilemma: How To Stay Connected With Your Kids In A Rapidly Changing World (New World Library) to inspire men with stories of everyday dads who are successfully -- not without challenges -- building emotionally connected relationships with their kids and their wives/partners.
To put a human face on the real challenges of modern dads -- as well the potential payoff for more involved parenting - I give you LeWayne Jones. LeWayne, one of dads featured in my new book, is a great example of a modern dad stepping out of his comfort zone and more fully into fatherhood.
What is there to learn from this short video clip of LeWayne Jones?
How one dad deals with the new, initially uncomfortable reality that his wife earns more money than he does. LeWayne's identity, like millions of american men, appears to be more rooted in breadwinning than caretaking. Yet, despite having to shift in his seat during the converstion about his wife earning more than him, LeWayne describes how the "motherly things" he does benefit his family.
Why becoming a better dad and a better man requires stepping out of your comfort zone. Instead of resisting his changing role in family life, LeWayne views it as an opportunity to support his wife and show up for his kids in new, but unfamiliar ways. For instance, realizing that he needed better listening skills, he actively practices listening not fixing. It should be noted that many women have also stepped out of their comfort zones to become breadwinners or business owners.
What unforeseen benefits dads can discover by taking on the 'second shift,' or doing what has historically been referred to as 'women's work' -- housework and childcare; In LeWayne's case, he details how his involvement has led to him developing a much deeper emotional connection with his daughter ... the kind of relationship he wanted with his own dad. He has also developed a stronger partnership with his wife, Renea.
As women have moved into the workforce, many dads -- some by choice, others by necessity -- have begun to be more active at home. No longer able to rely on the traditional roles, 'man the breadwinner/...
As women have moved into the workforce, many dads -- some by choice, others by necessity -- have begun to be more active at home. No longer able to rely on the traditional roles, 'man the breadwinner/...
President Obama spent a few moments of his Father's Day speaking at the Town Hall Education Arts & Recreation Campus in Anacostia, Washington D.C. The...
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama is extending Father's Day by one day. He is starting Monday by discussing the importance of responsible fatherhood and mentoring...
After speaking with dozens of working dads, one thing is blazingly clear: working dads of today are feeling the stress of work/family balance in ways that previous generations never experienced.
My younger brother is Mr Mom, he also runs his own business from home, and tailors his hours of work to fit his child care duties. His wife works outside the home and makes a substantial income, his income is decent, since he does car interiors for a living and people book to have him do so, which helps him to control his time and be able to put the children first. They have been doing this since before the kids came and were lucky enough to have my brother's ability to fit his job to the duties. So being a stay-home dad is not a bad thing, and you can do something else on the side, like many stay-home moms have done for ever to bring in extra cash.
ruchild: My younger brother is Mr Mom, he also runs his
Apart from one issue, this is old news - there are over 2 million single dads in the US, for instance.
That issue is unmarried or divorced fathers, and the bigotry and discrimination they face in the eyes of the family court.
Your article is all well and good, but until the discrimination against fathers ends, men have very little incentive to put their futures and freedom on the line to dive wholeheartedly into faherhood.
Your failure to address single fathers and the discrimination men face in family court is a glaring flaw that minimizes the impact of your article.
TheParson: Apart from one issue, this is old news - there
I wonder if, should more men become caregivers, child rearing will finally become a respected occupation. It always bugged me that my military experience was considered an asset in a job search (even though my experience there had no practical application to the job I was applying for) but my experiences as a stay at home mom were almost shameful, something that had to be explained over as a gap in employment history. I found the experiences of raising kids involved problem solving, budget management and communication skills that were extremely useful to me in the workplace. Far more than the skills I learned in the military - which mainly involved learning how to follow orders and keep my mouth shut.
If childrearing can attain a more masculine reputation, my bet is people would start to respect it more.
ExitZero: I wonder if, should more men become caregivers, child rearing
What an interesting perspective...the assumptions employers made about your military service versus your parenting experiences are unfortunately not surprising. I believe that modern fatherhood has tremendous potential to transform masculinity; as more dads engage in care giving, they normalize those qualities for other boys and men. My hope is that over the next generation care giving qualities become integrated into an expanding definition of masculinity...then perhaps we will see more respect for caregiving from both men and women.
john
hp_blogger_John Badalament: What an interesting perspective...the assumptions employers made about your military
For some of us, this story is old news. I wrote about being a work-at-home/stay-at-home Dad 25 years ago for Working Mothers’ Magazine’s section called “The Guilt Department,” when I started working outside of the home for then NY State Governor Mario M. Cuomo. Tell me something I don’t already know, and haven’t already experienced. Some of us just did what came naturally, without any fanfare, and we paid no attention to the shrunken-souled soreheads who were jealous of us, and questioned our masculinity. Just do it, and don’t whine about how tough it is. Of course its tough--you’re fully responsible for another human life, or two, or three. It’s narcissistic to think otherwise, or, to put it more melodically, “I bet you think this song is about you."
Steve_Villano: For some of us, this story is old news. I
Steve...I have to say that while I appreciate the general thoughts that for some people this isn't new and that, of course, it's going to be tough, I think the tone of your comment does a discredit to the conversation at hand. I think it is fair to have an open dialog about changing roles in American families. I give you much credit for having done this all before and in a time when it wasn't celebrated nor was there a support system of like parents. That still doesn't give you carte blanche to respond with such scorn or resentment to the author. What I agree with most about your comment is that some people, myself included, just do what comes naturally regardless of what reactions we get. As long as your focus is on the welfare of your children and your family, you get nothing but +1 in my book.
Timothy_Daloisio: Steve...I have to say that while I appreciate the general
Thank you Steve, I really appreciated your post. You captured a great balance of gratitude for those who have been raising this issue for decades and firm conviction about the importance of this dialogue. Again, thank you.
john
hp_blogger_John Badalament: Thank you Steve, I really appreciated your post. You captured
Eminem Defends Taylor Swift, Discusses Fatherhood
The only problem being that her salary is much lower than his was when he was working.
That issue is unmarried or divorced fathers, and the bigotry and discrimination they face in the eyes of the family court.
Your article is all well and good, but until the discrimination against fathers ends, men have very little incentive to put their futures and freedom on the line to dive wholeheartedly into faherhood.
Your failure to address single fathers and the discrimination men face in family court is a glaring flaw that minimizes the impact of your article.
If childrearing can attain a more masculine reputation, my bet is people would start to respect it more.
john
john