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Scientists Cite Uselessness as Reason Unused 90% of Human Brain Not Used

09/03/2010 04:39 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The mysterious ninety percent of our brains that we don't use is not used because it is useless, a scientific panel announced this week. Said project leader Dr. Antoine Abalone of the panel's findings: "After two years of round the clock scientific investigation, we have determined that we only use ten percent of our brain because the rest of it is a pile of junk. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's definitely just a functionless heap of gray matter. I suppose one could postulate all sorts of theoretical adaptive purposes for so much worthless cranial filler -- one might, for example, have a slightly better chance of surviving a brain-eating zombie attack where the essential elements represent only ten rather than a hundred percent of the total brain mass. Whatever the explanation, we can all stop fantasizing about becoming a race of telepathic super beings -- we're at capacity now, folks. Oh, there was a tiny flicker of activity in the unused portion when our test subjects were engaged in light summer reading, but otherwise squat. Not exactly a champagne moment."

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