Our society has made remarkable progress in the fight for LGBT equality in my lifetime. The repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was completed this year, and most Americans support ending discrimination against LGBT people in the workplace. In 2010, for the first time, two separate polls indicated that a majority of Americans support the freedom of same-sex couples to marry. The well-documented generation gap in support for LGBT rights ensures that anti-equality forces in the United States are ultimately fighting a losing battle.
But as the GOP presidential primary is so vividly reminding us, much work remains to be done in the struggle for LGBT equality. Of course, the usual suspects in the anti-gay pantheon remain the most vocal exponents of homophobia, but even well-meaning, LGBT-affirming individuals can and often do reinforce homophobia and heterosexism without even knowing that they're doing it.
I can't tell you how many times I've found myself in the following situation: a supportive, well-meaning friend or family member is introducing me and my spouse to someone we don't know. This person makes the introduction as follows: "Hi, so-and-so! This is John, and this is his [insert occasional awkward pause here] partner [or 'boyfriend,' or 'lover,' or 'friend'] Michael."
Michael and I have been married for nearly six years. Still, we regularly find ourselves in the situation outlined above. I suspect that people have a wide variety of reasons for using non-marital terms to describe our relationship in social situations. Perhaps they aren't (or are?) aware of the religious or political views of others and wish to sidestep any potential awkwardness that might ensue. Perhaps they themselves, while outwardly professing to support equality, still struggle silently with acceptance of our marriage. Perhaps they wish to save us from embarrassment or retribution. Even LGBT-identified friends of ours slip up on occasion, introducing Michael as my "partner" or asking me whether my "boyfriend" and I will be able to attend their holiday party. I suspect that in these cases especially, force of habit is the culprit: same-sex couples have been excluded from the rights and privileges of marriage for so long that many LGBTs don't even think of committed same-sex relationships in marital terms.
However varied the reasons may be for using less contentious terms to describe our marriage, the result is always the same: it denigrates our love, telling us that our marriage is somehow unworthy of the term, inherently unequal and intrinsically less valuable than the marriages of our straight counterparts. It reinforces the still-powerful cultural taboos surrounding LGBT people and our relationships. It implies that honesty about the nature and definition of our relationship is less important than accommodating the prejudice of others. It tells us that it's best to be silent.
I am not entirely without guilt here, either. Early in our marriage (perhaps due to my Catholic upbringing or the sometimes sadistic nature of Midwestern politeness), I often adapted my own terminology to suit my audience. For friends, family members, and people under 40 I used the term "husband," but for elderly and conservative people, and in work-related situations, I retreated into the relative neutrality of "partner." I'm no longer shy about making universal use of the term "husband," but I've still occasionally been reticent to call others out for neglecting to do so themselves.
No more.
I can no longer concern myself with whether or not my marriage makes others uncomfortable. I have to be true to myself, my husband, and the love that we share. I refuse to make any concessions whatsoever to bigotry; from now on, I will correct anyone who disrespects the way Michael and I define our relationship. I will not allow my marriage to be denigrated in my hearing.
Of course, there are some in the LGBT community who make the conscientious decision not to describe their committed relationships in marital terms. I respect those decisions and would never suggest that those relationships are any less equal, committed, valuable, or meaningful than mine. However, decisions about how to define a couple's relationship are for that couple, and that couple alone, to make. Michael and I define ourselves as husbands (as does the State of Vermont), so referring to us by any other term is a sign of deep disrespect that I, and hopefully others, will no longer tolerate.
This holiday season, when you're introducing your married LGBT friends at a party, remember to respect the way they choose to define their relationship. Michael is my husband. Get used to saying that, because from now on, I'll be correcting you if you don't.
Follow John Becker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/freedom2marry
Brandon Melchior: More Than Just Friends
Thomas Worcester: Vermont: Green Mountain Conversion
and thanks
For those of us that want to ensure we are showing the respect deserved, we need folks to guide us in what it is that you consider to be the most respectful term
This, latinguy, is the new testament and speaks of homosexuals not making heaven.
When you get right down to it, "others [being] uncomfortable" is what's at the root of all efforts to exclude, marginalize, disenfranchise, discriminate against or even abuse LGBT Americans (or those anywhere else, for that matter), and always has been.
Our existence, how we live or even the legal recognition of our unions has no effect on the lives of others, except for the way in which they react. How they do so is entirely up to them, yet we're the ones punished for their reaction when it's a negative one.
My admittedly blunt question to those experiencing that discomfort - whatever the claimed basis for it - is this: why should I and the man with whom I've shared my life for 30 years be made to suffer for the way you happen to feel?
More than once I have been blamed that someone is upset that I stand for marriage equality. And this is my problem how?
Wow. Thirty years! That is wonderful. My love and I have been together 5 years and married for almost 4 and a half. Hope we are together as long as you and your love.
Then remind them what they learned in their childhood about the Golden Rule. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
I find it makes the point rather well, even if I'm not invited back!
Making others wrong for not knowing what you want them to say does not brighten your day: it only lets you feel more smug
If they don't get it, reach into the tool kit for the appropriate size hammer, and fix it.
Small town parents and others have much more respect for married partners
When I propose later this year, I will (hopefully) have to update them to having them call her my fiancee, but I don't expect a problem. I will have to make a plan for communicating our preferences to my sister-in-law but I am conflicted. I love her dearly, have so much respect for her, and never want to make her feel uncomfortable or chastised. However, I also am not her sister's "friend" and saying otherwise rankles me.
Thank you for taking the stand you have and for inspiring others to do the same.
Your future fiancee needs to tell her sister how to refer to you If she has done so, and her wishes are not respected, you and she need to discuss what to do about it.
-- and you need to respect that any unmarried partner may not be considered family by old-fashioned people. However, if the woman has a brother whose female partner she treats differently, then your fiancee needs to land on her sister, hard!
Notice that you write that it is YOUR business to tell HER family what to do -- not the best. I would not want a wife or husband who fought my battles for me, nor would I want a coward who did not handle her family, when she knew I was bothered.
As to your last paragraph, I would respectfully note that you do not know the circumstances of our life or our family dynamic beyond what I wrote above (which was intended to be anecdotal), that I did not say nor do I believe that it is my business to tell her family what to do about anything at all, and that, amongst your final 16 words, you are very near to calling my fiancee a coward, which I find unacceptable.
It is my responsibility to communicate with my fiancee about the issue and it is OUR responsibility to communicate our wishes to her sister in a loving and non-confrontational way.
I appreciate your thoughts on the matter and I celebrate your right to free expression of those thoughts. However, giving advice where none was solicited is a very tricky matter and one that I would counsel you to think twice about in the future. I did not share what I wrote because I was in need of counsel. I shared it as a corroboration of the author's work and to thank him for his inspiration.